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Old 03-22-2015, 08:49 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,471,910 times
Reputation: 29071

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Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
Well now, not being either Italian or Japanese, although I lived in Japan for three years and we both love Italian food (made it for dinner last night), I think we'll be OK.

Last edited by Curmudgeon; 03-22-2015 at 09:44 AM..
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Old 03-22-2015, 09:17 AM
 
Location: Location: Location
6,345 posts, read 7,824,201 times
Reputation: 18569
Mamma always said, "For better or worse, but not for lunch!" Unfortunately, when her husband retired, it was due to a terminal illness and the adjustments that had to be made were geared toward the medical and not the "don't get in my way" element.

The OP's spouse was always like this, except that before retirement, he was foisting his opinion(s) onto the people at work. Now, he still feels the need to flex his managerial muscles and she is his only target.

Try telling him that his suggestion sounds like a good one and you'll try it next time. Said with a smile, of course. Or send him to the store and when he returns, tell him you forgot something and send him again. Help him find a hobby he might enjoy. Turn the chore of the laundry over to him.

Or pack a nice lunch, take him on a picnic and while you're both digesting, tell him how you feel when he constantly tries to take over what has long been your bailiwick. Let him know that while you appreciate a suggestion now and then, his constant controlling makes you feel inadequate, despite all the years of handling your household tasks unsupervised.

If none of this helps, get an iPod, stick the headphones in your ears and carry on.
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Old 03-22-2015, 09:28 AM
 
248 posts, read 267,404 times
Reputation: 1043
He must have been a real joy to work with (or for).

If you don't want to spend the next 20 years being a doormat, get a job or volunteer somewhere and get out of the house, or stick up for yourself in no uncertain terms. Because he's not going to change without being forced to and I'd be willing to bet good money that no amount of discussion or explaining on your part will change him. What you're describing is two people that really aren't that compatible but the fact that he was gone most of the time made it so temporarily.
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Old 03-22-2015, 09:42 AM
 
Location: Northern VA
511 posts, read 631,490 times
Reputation: 621
Quote:
Originally Posted by luckyram View Post
Hmmm....a little too easygoing perhaps?

There is another wise saying: "You have to lie yourself down to let someone walk all over you"
You're not even close. Just because I consciously choose not to escalate every minor disagreement into a War of the Roses battle royal doesn't mean my wife walks all over me. My marriage is a partnership between equals .

I think a more appropriate quote would be "you can win the battle but lose the war".
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Old 03-22-2015, 09:52 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,729,443 times
Reputation: 32304
Quote:
Originally Posted by theatergypsy View Post
Mamma always said, "For better or worse, but not for lunch!" Unfortunately, when her husband retired, it was due to a terminal illness and the adjustments that had to be made were geared toward the medical and not the "don't get in my way" element.

The OP's spouse was always like this, except that before retirement, he was foisting his opinion(s) onto the people at work. Now, he still feels the need to flex his managerial muscles and she is his only target.

Try telling him that his suggestion sounds like a good one and you'll try it next time. Said with a smile, of course. Or send him to the store and when he returns, tell him you forgot something and send him again. Help him find a hobby he might enjoy. Turn the chore of the laundry over to him.

Or pack a nice lunch, take him on a picnic and while you're both digesting, tell him how you feel when he constantly tries to take over what has long been your bailiwick. Let him know that while you appreciate a suggestion now and then, his constant controlling makes you feel inadequate, despite all the years of handling your household tasks unsupervised.

If none of this helps, get an iPod, stick the headphones in your ears and carry on.
Your suggestion which I bolded got my attention. It reeks of meanness and pay-back and power-play, not of a way to foster good relationships in a marriage. In addition, it is sneaky and dishonest because the real motive remains hidden.

Last edited by Escort Rider; 03-22-2015 at 10:29 AM..
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Old 03-22-2015, 11:01 AM
 
4,477 posts, read 4,739,984 times
Reputation: 9940
Where is the OP? Jeepers, not even a thanks!
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Old 03-22-2015, 11:05 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,471,910 times
Reputation: 29071
Quote:
Originally Posted by brava4 View Post
Where is the OP? Jeepers, not even a thanks!
I don't think any of us have asked for or expected one. Perhaps she has a real life outside of C-D.
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Old 03-22-2015, 11:28 AM
 
3,492 posts, read 4,953,636 times
Reputation: 5383
Retirement is often too long with too little money since life expectancy hit 84 (up from 63 decades ago) while the retirement age went from 62 to.... 62. Having such a long time after productivity has stopped with so little income leaves people with a need for control and can encourage them to fight with their spouse over a perceived shortage of resources because they have too much time and stopped having income.
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Old 03-22-2015, 11:46 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,969,510 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by brava4 View Post
Where is the OP? Jeepers, not even a thanks!
Once again we renegade posters scared off an OP. We need to take a gentler approach.
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Old 03-22-2015, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,692 posts, read 4,410,496 times
Reputation: 11654
I am back and have been reading -- and laughing a lot -- at the many variations. I have been giving this dynamic a lot of thought. We have a loving and fun marriage of 10 years (me, married 11 yrs. then married 18 yrs & widowed before and he 2x divorced). And all true that the things that get to me always kind of did get under my skin; but now we are spending more time together. In defense of my DH:

*Chores -- he wants to do laundry and vacuuming. And he does.

*His managing me -- yep. He has always been full of suggestions when its clear I am deciding something. And he has some really, really great ideas. And sometimes I actually appreciate them. Sometimes, admittedly, my frustration is that he points out foolish ways I do things and he's right. And then I feel inferior in intelligence. And that's a lot of what happens. This has become so magnified by spending more time together. Sometimes it feels like everything I do is done inferiorly.

I think I need to discontinue sharing ideas i am wrestling with unless I want his input. He is, by nature, a problem solver. So if I say, for example, that I am trying to decide what one-on-one activity would be fun for me to do with the girl gkid, he'll launch into trying to find fun things for me to do with her. And that creates a situation of me feeling pressured to make a decision. I think by just saying I'm thinking about this item, it opens us up to his auto-pilot problem solving and my procratinating.

Last edited by WorldKlas; 03-22-2015 at 01:10 PM..
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