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Old 03-22-2015, 11:52 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
14,364 posts, read 7,913,715 times
Reputation: 53461

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When John retired nearly two years ago I had a very hard time adjusting to him being around all the time. Especially in the morning when I was used to my quiet time, and he's very chatty. It took about 6 months for me to get used to him being there. I became a bigger workaholic and I'm gone a lot of the time with my newly found "me time." We see each other every day but we do not spend 24/7 together most of the time. I'm a lot like your husband WorldKlas. I have that same "strong personality." Okay I'm a bit of a control freak, one of my many character flaws. Your husband needs some honest dialog about loosening his grip. John took over all of the house hold chores when he retired including the cooking. He's pretty good at that now but cleaning is not his strong point. I find myself frustrated living in an environment that is not up to my standard of clean. I've learned to accept it and find other ways to make myself happy. You need to find your "happy place" too WK. Your husband is still the same person you fell in love with, just more of it. Find ways to escape for your own sanity. Staying put and spinning your wheels creates a rut you may find impossible to escape from. I will be retiring in the near future but not until I ease into it with baby steps.
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Old 03-22-2015, 01:09 PM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,686 posts, read 4,410,496 times
Reputation: 11639
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
To me this doesn't sound like a retirement issue; it's a marital issue. You didn't notice it so much when in the work force. It sounds serious though you are at the same time minimizing it. I'd have a sit-down talk and air your views and observe what happens.
Very true!
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Old 03-22-2015, 02:17 PM
 
29,764 posts, read 34,851,819 times
Reputation: 11675
Quote:
Originally Posted by MadManofBethesda View Post
I find it interesting that divorced and otherwise single individuals are giving advice on this thread.

I also find it interesting that the OP has stated that she has been abrupt with her husband lately, she has been rejecting her husband's romantic advances, and she asks whether her issues have to do with trying to adjust to her husband being in her life more since his retirement, and yet the majority of the "advice" is that the husband needs to get a life () be "assigned" () household chores, or otherwise find activities because she is having difficulties interacting with him.
Badddddddaaaaaaa Bing!
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Old 03-22-2015, 02:44 PM
 
4,477 posts, read 4,738,767 times
Reputation: 9940
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
I don't think any of us have asked for or expected one. Perhaps she has a real life outside of C-D.

Umm, it was in jest. Not serious at all.
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Old 03-22-2015, 03:10 PM
 
Location: SoCal desert
8,093 posts, read 13,225,721 times
Reputation: 14870
Quote:
Originally Posted by jghorton View Post
Somehow this reminded me of an article that talked about husbands always leaving the toilet seat up.
Instead of the traditional "how inconsiderate of him" response, it was suggested, "men usually need the seat up and women need it down --- why is it any more difficult for the woman to leave the seat up for the man, than it is for the man to leave it down for the woman .... put on your big girl pants and work with the problem, instead of always expecting your needs to be accommodated first."
Don't see a problem with it at all.

Just go shopping and buy a toilet where the lid lowers automatically after every flush.
This also solves the problem of the dog trying to drink out of the toilet
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Old 03-22-2015, 03:34 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,467,321 times
Reputation: 29071
Quote:
Originally Posted by brava4 View Post
Umm, it was in jest. Not serious at all.
Sorry. Must have had a bad moment, and I hadn't even talked with my wife.
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Old 03-22-2015, 03:48 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,467,321 times
Reputation: 29071
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gandalara View Post
Don't see a problem with it at all.

Just go shopping and buy a toilet where the lid lowers automatically after every flush.
This also solves the problem of the dog trying to drink out of the toilet
Do they really have those? Imagine what would happen if it malfunctioned while occupied, standing or sitting. Could make you hope for an EMP event.
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Old 03-22-2015, 03:55 PM
 
Location: SoCal desert
8,093 posts, read 13,225,721 times
Reputation: 14870
Yup, they've been around for more than a few years.
There's a sensor on it so it won't move while occupied
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Old 03-22-2015, 04:08 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,547 posts, read 17,534,193 times
Reputation: 16771
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
I am back and have been reading -- and laughing a lot -- at the many variations. I have been giving this dynamic a lot of thought. We have a loving and fun marriage of 10 years (me, married 11 yrs. then married 18 yrs & widowed before and he 2x divorced). And all true that the things that get to me always kind of did get under my skin; but now we are spending more time together. In defense of my DH:

*Chores -- he wants to do laundry and vacuuming. And he does.

*His managing me -- yep. He has always been full of suggestions when its clear I am deciding something. And he has some really, really great ideas. And sometimes I actually appreciate them. Sometimes, admittedly, my frustration is that he points out foolish ways I do things and he's right. And then I feel inferior in intelligence. And that's a lot of what happens. This has become so magnified by spending more time together. Sometimes it feels like everything I do is done inferiorly.

I think I need to discontinue sharing ideas i am wrestling with unless I want his input. He is, by nature, a problem solver. So if I say, for example, that I am trying to decide what one-on-one activity would be fun for me to do with the girl gkid, he'll launch into trying to find fun things for me to do with her. And that creates a situation of me feeling pressured to make a decision. I think by just saying I'm thinking about this item, it opens us up to his auto-pilot problem solving and my procratinating.
Since he's so much in need of solving problems, maybe he needs a project. It should be something that's his to work on. I'm sure that's why dad made sure anything he could fix was fixed. Of course being dad's daughter I LOVED watching him fix things. But do you have something around the house which is sufficently challenging, or something he'd need to research which he could do for himself?

I'm more my dad than my mom, and have the problem solving gene. I'm pretty fixated on how to things and watch all the home improvement shows and made some of my own furnature. Mom taught me how to crochet, do stitching and sew and I've always had projects waiting for their time. I found the same set of tools work on figuring out how to put together an origional stitching (I never use patterns) as how to write a computer program. I really loved it after I'd moved and was cutting some wood on the front porch. This woman stopped to say way to go with a smile. I think when you 'retire' its time to not forget what you have but find different ways to use it. I'd go nuts from boredom if I didn't have my projects. So maybe you can think of some need he can activate his brain about and he won't be tripping over you.

The worse thing my dad did was try to help mom cook. She put her foot down on that quick. Claim your ground when you have to. She wasn't one to get mad often, but she was very plain about that.

What would make his problem solving mind happy that he could pour his extra energy into? This works for the couples where its the wife who is driven to solve things and the husband who's not.
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Old 03-22-2015, 04:11 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,967,079 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by djplourd View Post
My son posted this on Facebook the other day and I think it fits here:

"Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband".

I think its funny but I also think there's a lot of truth in it. And it fits with my personal belief that the two most important words in a married man's life are "Yes, Dear". What I mean by that is that with so many little things every day that we could fight about, someone always needs to step back to keep things from escalating. Maybe "don't sweat the small stuff" is a better description.

We've been married for 26 years and still going strong, so I think the philosophy is working well.
On your end, LOL.
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