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Old 03-22-2015, 09:58 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,906 posts, read 14,397,959 times
Reputation: 30801

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Well, my advice came from the bosom of a 40+ marriage, so there is that. However, I did experience some of this in early days of retirement, and I had to make a big adjustment. DH wanted to go everywhere with me! Everywhere. I kind of like it now, but at first it felt odd. He doesn't go on a shopping trip now, although he did a little of that at first. He now says he would just "hold me back" and that is true.

I think both spouses in a marriage do make adjustments after retirement. II think the best motto is "Choose your battles." If it isn't important, then keep quiet. If it is important, then insist.

OP's DH is probably more bored than anything, and he isn't shy about expressing his opinions--so he does. Wife needs to shut him down. Or I guess she could assign him the job he is critiquing. I suppose that would really shut him up. "OK, you can take over here. Here's the cleaner."

I do want to say something about the men vs women thing. Lost in a lot of talk among unhappy women is the fact that for many years men were sole supports of their families, or at least they provided most of the monetary support. Sometimes we forget about the pressures this presents for men. How they worry about the future of the family. How they work to afford the things the kids want. Younger husbands and fathers are lucky to have some of this pressure off their backs, when their wives have careers. But of course, the family will undergo different pressures there. There is never enough time, chores don't get done, etc.

What women hate in their relationships, I think, is not being valued. They hate always being overruled in decisions, or overlooked when they have worked hard for the good of the family. Sometimes women feel that they give, give, give, and get little in return at the end of the day, or at the end of their lives. I don't know about the state of mind of the OP, who seems to have gone AWOL, but it sounds as if she tends to blame herself for the stuff her husband is doing. It would be best if the two talked about this calmly and thoroughly. She gets to have opinions too!
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Old 03-23-2015, 04:29 AM
 
8,204 posts, read 11,921,160 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jghorton View Post
Somehow this reminded me of an article that talked about husbands always leaving the toilet seat up.
Instead of the traditional "how inconsiderate of him" response, it was suggested, "men usually need the seat up and women need it down --- why is it any more difficult for the woman to leave the seat up for the man, than it is for the man to leave it down for the woman .... put on your big girl pants and work with the problem, instead of always expecting your needs to be accommodated first."

I darn well leave the seat up and do whatever I want!!...

.... whenever my wife is off visiting her sister.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AZDesertBrat View Post
LOL...I've never understood the toilet seat thing. Maybe because I grew up with a dad and three brothers but I never thought anything about putting the seat down if I needed to. The worst thing is getting up in the dark, stumbling to the bathroom, sit down and get a cold sitz bath!
Never mind the seat... what I don't understand is why doesn't anyone (besides me) put the lid down on the toilet? Every toilet has one and yet no one ever uses it. Why is that? And if one uses the lid, that eliminates the gender argument completely regarding how the toilet seat should be positioned. Women would always need to lift the lid to use the toilet and men would either just lift the lid or lift both the lid and the seat in one motion. When finished, the toilet lid is returned to its proper closed position by both genders.
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Old 03-23-2015, 04:41 AM
 
1,578 posts, read 2,204,023 times
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Lol ... A guy I used to date would get mad at me for not putting the lid down. At the time I thought that was really weird for a man to be obsessed with a darn toilet lid. After we broke up, to this day, I always make sure the lid is down .. now it just bugs me to leave it up.
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Old 03-23-2015, 05:07 AM
 
511 posts, read 385,026 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
My DH has a very strong personality. I am more easy going. So, I usually let him get his way beause most things that really matter to him I have pretty neutral feelings. Thing is, he pretty much has strong feelings about everything. I mean everything from what restaurant, how/when to do laundry, even when to take the trash to the trash bin. I am exagerating a bit. He just retired in September and until now I have been on my own during his work hours. Also since his retirement, we have bought and sold residences, and vehicles, and planned & gone on trips ..... all with his empathic feelings and me going along on some of the choices but not keenly. We agree on most things, this is not a pre-divorce thing, LOL.

Yesterday morning I was phoning the hair salon trying to make an appt. and I didn't like any of the openings they had available. I hung up the phone and said I'd phone them back. DH recommended a specific time. I didn't make an appt. As the time approached that he had thought was a good time, he reminded me about the appt. I barked at him that I didn't make the appt. Thinking about it, I realize I have been very abrupt with him a lot lately and reject his affection, too. Sooo......is this just an adjustment to him being around all the time? Have others found they have more tension after retirement?
The tone is being set right now. This is not an "adjustment", it is what your life will be if you let it. It's up to you
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Old 03-23-2015, 05:55 AM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,624 posts, read 39,986,663 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
I am back and have been reading -- and laughing a lot -- at the many variations. ...And all true that the things that get to me always kind of did get under my skin; but now we are spending more time together. In defense of my DH:

... I think by just saying I'm thinking about this item, it opens us up to his auto-pilot problem solving and my procratinating.
OP seems to have a good perspective and is not falling off the deep end due to a major life change in her DH ability to boss / solve problems. (thank goodness... keep it in perspective and avoid inadvertently seeking his PLANNING for your life) (Careful what you ask for!) or 'don't ask for, but imply'. Guys are typically 'fixers' and gals like to express ideas and toss around options before landing on a quick solution (generally).

DH will mellow out as he ages into retirement and realizes you don't need a 'Planner' to live your life!
I'm sure he appreciates you handling your stuff so he doesn't HAVE to direct you. He is just responding to your apparent need (while you are just opening up some ideas for decision making / suggestions).

No critical surgery / attention needed, and he will find a 'place' in retirement life.

We spend a LOT of time apart (far more than pre retirement). Both attending to needs (eldercare / needy siblings / friends) and interests. We sometimes vacation separately (with siblings / friends / solo) and meet at spots of mutual interest. There are a lot of very special times together, but we provide a lot of freedom to each other during this particular time of few dictated schedules / needs. (Those will be plentiful in future yrs of care need).

Toilet seat? not sure where that came from (didn't read whole thread)... we have a rule (cuz we had to boys who tinkled)

Got a urinal... stand up, and get it done;
got a toilet seat?... sit down and use it and CLOSE the lid.

Everyone gets a chance to 'clean-up' after our guests / grandparents (that is a messy pain from those who don't ascribe to above).

We all share life in the trenches. (scrub brush in hand)
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Old 03-23-2015, 06:48 AM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,623 posts, read 9,689,321 times
Reputation: 11000
Quote:
Originally Posted by MadManofBethesda View Post
Never mind the seat... what I don't understand is why doesn't anyone (besides me) put the lid down on the toilet? Every toilet has one and yet no one ever uses it. Why is that? And if one uses the lid, that eliminates the gender argument completely regarding how the toilet seat should be positioned. Women would always need to lift the lid to use the toilet and men would either just lift the lid or lift both the lid and the seat in one motion. When finished, the toilet lid is returned to its proper closed position by both genders.
LOL...I guess I wasn't thinking that there's a lid AND a seat! I always close the lid when I flush just because of what I've read about 'spray' so it's always closed when I use it again. I wish my cats would use the toilet but I'd probably have to follow them to put the seat/lid down! lol
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Old 03-23-2015, 08:11 AM
 
29,784 posts, read 34,880,403 times
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So what can we reflect upon at this point in the thread. If downsizing involves fewer bathrooms perhaps the disruption to marital harmony should be considered. I feel comfortable at this point revealing we have 3 1/2 bathrooms with each of us having our own toilet along with a downstairs powder room and a shared Master bath toilet. So I leave my toilet seat as I jolly well please and the shared one during sleep time up as who wants to be half asleep and have to lift and aim at the same time. No complaints from the wife about that.
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Old 03-23-2015, 09:26 AM
 
4,484 posts, read 4,746,514 times
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Well, reading the replies it is easy to see where this thread has ended up. No doubt with the seat up.
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Old 03-23-2015, 09:38 AM
 
29,784 posts, read 34,880,403 times
Reputation: 11710
Quote:
Originally Posted by brava4 View Post
Well, reading the replies it is easy to see where this thread has ended up. No doubt with the seat up.
Yup this thread has ended up in the toilet.

Last edited by TuborgP; 03-23-2015 at 10:21 AM..
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Old 03-23-2015, 10:03 AM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,624 posts, read 39,986,663 times
Reputation: 23780
Quote:
Originally Posted by AZDesertBrat View Post
LOL...I guess I wasn't thinking that there's a lid AND a seat! ... I wish my cats would use the toilet but I'd probably have to follow them to put the seat/lid down! lol
I hear you can train cats to use the toilet, since I have farm cats, they have never seen the inside of the house or a toilet.

Disharmony around the toilet can be an issue when one takes the attitude... "Why bother using a toilet?" There are plenty of trees in our forest, and no need to take off the muddy work boots and overalls.

It is one of those "friction points" that we have learned to mitigate.

As with OP... No Crisis here. (tho occasional 'bossing' required)

Quote:
Yup this thread has ended up in the toilet.
Often the case when one has to 'confront' the issues. Gets derailed.
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