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Old 04-18-2015, 09:07 AM
 
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I can see how it would be tricky...

If the new SIL or DIL, don't ask "what would you like me to call you"....

Then if they start out using you first name. YOU could come off as being snooty, and making a big deal of it by saying "I prefer you call me "XYZ"

So you sort of have to get the jump on it from day one, by saying "just call me XYZ" nice and nonchalantly, no "from the mountain on high" kind of attitude.

I don't see a problem with calling and in law mom or dad...but that's just me.

OP at this point, how long has this gone on that you're uncomfortable about it.
I also think you might get used to it...as time goes on....and you get more comfortable with the person.
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Old 04-18-2015, 09:15 AM
 
Location: I am right here.
4,914 posts, read 4,068,959 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tia 914 View Post
I'm not retired, but I figure many people in this part of the forum are in my age group, and many probably have adult-aged kids who have brought new family members into your lives. So I hope someone has input/advice, or even personal experience.

If your adult-aged sons/daughters have brought you in-laws (their significant others- spouses, etc.) how do those people address you, does it matter to you, and do you have any influence on the topic?

From where I stand:
1. I've always been buggy about what is and isn't appropriate- for people my kids' ages to address me by my first name is out of line;
2. Worse yet, if you have an in-law you really like, care about as a member of your family, it's heartbreaking if they dismiss that relationship and call you "Mary" or "Joe."

It's extreme enough that I sometimes avoid communications because I don't know how to sign emails, cards, etc. I simply don't know how to address the topic without sounding weird.
There's also the additional factor of not wanting to be disrespectful to an in-law's own parents.

Any constructive solutions would be greatly appreciated!!!
My sons are all adults now. When they were younger, their friends called me "Mrs. Salsa". Now, I tell them they can call me by my first name. We are all adults here, even though they may be "a few" years younger than I. When my son introduced his girlfriend to me, she first called me "Mrs. Salsa", but it felt way too formal. I want her to call me by my first name.

I call my MIL and FIL by their first names (at their invitation when I first met them 30 years ago). They were not my "mom" nor my "dad" (I had my own).

So you have to ask yourself....WHY do you feel in is inappropriate and "out of line" (really?) for other ADULTS - even young adults - to address you by your first name?

What are you hoping they call you? (besides standoffish, rigid, and ?)
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Old 04-18-2015, 10:04 AM
 
Location: North Beach, MD on the Chesapeake
33,901 posts, read 42,154,529 times
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They call me the same as people did back in high school except now they preface it with, "Your dad"..... is really an insufferable prick.
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Old 04-18-2015, 10:15 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,497,588 times
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As far as I know, my sons- and daughters-in-law refer to me as "Dad." Of course, that may differ out of earshot. But after time spent in the military and law enforcement I answer to almost anything. I don't make a big thing out of it. They're all adults.

Granted, I preferred the days when respect was more prevalent but it's a brave new world, so they say.
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Old 04-18-2015, 10:33 AM
 
Location: Montana
1,752 posts, read 1,655,917 times
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The southern solution for an inter generational situation like this is the older one is "Mr." Or "Miss" followed by the first name of the person. That has always seemed a bit formal for in-law situations, but works well in other close but not family relationships.
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Old 04-18-2015, 10:41 AM
 
Location: Florida
4,366 posts, read 3,704,692 times
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I think you should try and use first names as this is what the
majority of use do.
If your email address identifies you just sign with your first name or maybe no signature. Otherwise first and last name. No sincerely etc.
Better to communicate than not.
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Old 04-18-2015, 11:17 AM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,225 posts, read 14,940,197 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tuck's Dad View Post
The southern solution for an inter generational situation like this is the older one is "Mr." Or "Miss" followed by the first name of the person. That has always seemed a bit formal for in-law situations, but works well in other close but not family relationships.
I'm from the north, moved here to SW TN 2.5 years ago and I find the "Miss Annie" form of address to be quite endearing, actually. It is less formal than the Mrs or Ms Last Name yet applies in all situations whether someone 20 years younger or 40 years younger, business or social.

Being from the big cities, I wasn't accustomed to the respect that is offered here as a matter of course. It sure does make it easy to address others without being insulting. I notice that in the "duck family", even the boys refer to their mother as Miss Kay. Never any doubt who one is talking to/about.

When I was first a daughter-in-law, I was not sure how to address my in-laws - it worked out easy with my FIL as I called him Chief (of detectives) but my MIL was different. I practiced calling her Mom and it eventually became very easy - and she was a dear sweet woman. We had our differences but we also got along. I miss them both.

Being a MIL now myself, my one DIL calls me "MA", others call me Annie, including my step-daughters and step-son. Personally, I don't care what I'm called, so long as I'm treated with the same respect I give. Funny thing is, my step-son who was only 8 when I came into his life and is now 26, treats me pretty good, so I'm happy.

The grandkids and step-grands call me Grandma, MeMa, or Grammy and the great-grands don't talk yet but they give great smiles.
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Old 04-18-2015, 01:50 PM
 
Location: SoCal desert
8,093 posts, read 13,236,672 times
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This all reminds me of Downton Abby when Mrs. Crawley met the Dowager Countess for the first time.

Isobel Crawley (smiling): What should we call each other?
Violet Crawley, Dowager Countess of Grantham (not smiling): Well, we could always start with Mrs. Crawley and Lady Grantham.
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Old 04-18-2015, 01:56 PM
 
Location: Georgia
4,562 posts, read 4,097,733 times
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My MIL was "Mrs. _____" the first two weeks I met her. She quickly became "(First Name)". Several years later, when her son and I decided to get married, someone asked me what I was going to call her. "Why, (FirstName) -- what else?" I have a much-loved mother -- I didn't need another one. Instead, I have a lovely friend who is one of my best cheerleaders and whom I adore.

She signs cards and letters to us as "(first name)/Mom"

It's not what you're called -- it's how you are loved, respected and admired. THAT'S what defines a relationship -- not a name.
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Old 04-18-2015, 02:24 PM
 
Location: I am right here.
4,914 posts, read 4,068,959 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga View Post
My MIL was "Mrs. _____" the first two weeks I met her. She quickly became "(First Name)". Several years later, when her son and I decided to get married, someone asked me what I was going to call her. "Why, (FirstName) -- what else?" I have a much-loved mother -- I didn't need another one. Instead, I have a lovely friend who is one of my best cheerleaders and whom I adore.

She signs cards and letters to us as "(first name)/Mom"

It's not what you're called -- it's how you are loved, respected and admired. THAT'S what defines a relationship -- not a name.
Beautifully said.
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