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Old 05-04-2015, 12:22 AM
322 posts, read 677,141 times
Reputation: 428


I am 61 and have been under treatment for depression for 20 years. I've come to a place in my life where my life has become unbearable; mostly because I was roped into renting a cardbox box shack with my Section 8 by a "Bait and Switch" scheme by an unethical property mgmt co. I have to be here 11 more months and I can't even begin to make a list of all the terrible things about my apartment, including cockroaches and surrounded completely by dirt.

How do I hang on? How do I move forward? I have a serious brain disease of the blood vessels and a brain tumor, although I have been lucky enough to escape any operations thus far.

I lost interest in dating several years ago. I just stay home and watch TV and surf the web, trying to find other miserable and depressed seniors out there but only the active, positive ones seem to post online. If you understand bipolar 1 depression, you know you can't just pull yourself up by your bootstraps. My next mental health appointment is not for another 3 months because of a shortage of providers.

I am even in debt for getting this horrible place, and so I can't save to get out.

How do I keep putting one foot in front of the other instead of giving up and staying in bed all day long and only going grocery shopping late at night so I don't have to see anyone?

Anyone who criticizes me does not understand clinical depression, anxiety, and panic.

Oh and I have NO FAMILY at all anymore. And very few so called friends. I'm not feeling sorry for myself; just stating the facts because I can't seem to leave my bedroom. I've gotten other helpful answers here before.
Thank you for your understanding.

Last edited by heartfocus; 05-04-2015 at 01:08 AM..

Old 05-04-2015, 12:33 AM
176 posts, read 510,147 times
Reputation: 303
Have you complained to the apartment manager about the dirt and cockroaches? If so and they refuse to do anything contact the housing program office which handles Section 8 and the public health department (which should do something about the cockroach problem). Does the apartment allow pets? If so get one.
Old 05-04-2015, 12:42 AM
322 posts, read 677,141 times
Reputation: 428
Originally Posted by PastTense01 View Post
Have you complained to the apartment manager about the dirt and cockroaches? If so and they refuse to do anything contact the housing program office which handles Section 8 and the public health department (which should do something about the cockroach problem). Does the apartment allow pets? If so get one.
Yes I complained to the Housing Authority and all they do is fail my inspection so that I lose my subsidy so I can't complain to them anymore about it being inhabitable. The dirt can't be complained about because they will never put in a lawn....and it's filthy red dirt that is supposed to be there instead of a lawn. The dirt seeps into my living room and makes it hard to breathe in my living room. This is not a code violation that I can complain about, but if I did, I am pretty sure I would get an eviction on my record for retaliation. The management company is the most unethical and abusive that I have ever encountered in my entire life.

I don't have a dog anymore. I am too depressed to take it for walks, which you must do when you live in an apartment. Everything is a huge effort, I can't describe it. And I'm not a cat person.

Sometimes the only way out is to die, but I'm not doing anything illegal and I'm not in imminent danger that you can report me on here. No plans.
Old 05-04-2015, 01:18 AM
967 posts, read 919,527 times
Reputation: 1890
It can be so hard to keep going when so much is wrong..... I think I can understand that. I am not in as poor a situation as you are, but due to poor health and loneliness, I sometimes feel like it's pointless to keep living. I fought major depressive disorder for most of my life. (I went off medication 3 years ago and take 5HTP instead. I am not recommending this for you, just telling you what I did). I am doing better but I know how hard it is to live alone. I am so sorry for the circumstances you are in. When I start feeling down, I tell myself it's day by day. I don't allow myself to think long term---just day by day. It helps. I read, watch tv, and do try to have human contact---usually phone calls to friends, but sometimes do get out to be with them. I tell myself that none of us know what the future holds---so even tho' it seems like it will only get worse, we just don't know that. It could actually get better. I have 2 small dogs, and honestly don't know how I would manage to get thru without them. Have you ever had a cat as a pet? I would call myself a dog person, but have had pet cats, too, and they can be quite rewarding. Try to say affirmations to yourself, too, as there often are no one else to tell you that you are worthy, you are good, you deserve the best. Tell yourself that you are stuck there only for a limited time (if there is no way to leave, that is) and that you can get thru that time period and look to something better. Even if you don't know what.... I wish you the best. So sorry for your raw deal....!
Old 05-04-2015, 01:30 AM
322 posts, read 677,141 times
Reputation: 428
My dog helped me but added to my anxiety a huge amount too because she had terrible phobias of people. Whenever I tried to walk her she would pull on the leash as hard as she could to try to get back home. She stopped sleeping with me or being affectionate, just due to her advanced age. I put up with her severe behavioral problems for 7 years. She was little companionship as she got older, if at all. And I couldn't afford the vet bills anymore so I adopted her out.

I see little hope for me, and only pain and hardship being alone. I tried to get my doctor to sign a form so I could get an In Home Supportive Services worker and my doctor refused to sign it even though I have many disabilities. It would have made it so that at least someone visited me.

The loneliness is very difficult but it's nice to be able to talk to people online. I don't know what I'd do without that. I also call a "Warm Line" every night where you can talk to paid strangers for 20 minutes although that, too, is unfulfilling.

Right now I cannot afford the $335 to get my brakes fixed and when I can no longer drive my car, I will be in even worse trouble.
Old 05-04-2015, 03:00 AM
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,740,386 times
Reputation: 32304
To the OP: You have carefully crafted your original post and the subsequent clarifications in such a way as to deflect in advance any and all suggestions for change or improvement. And you have announced at the beginning ("Anyone who criticizes me does not understand clinical depression, anxiety, and panic.") that suggestions you don't like (i.e., criticism) will be rejected as generated out of ignorance of depression, anxiety, etc.

So I am left to wonder what sort of responses you are expecting here. Expressions of sympathy? Well you have mine as I don't ever recall a case as totally pathetic as yours, either in my real life experience or in print or film. By your own description, there is no way out, as you "cannot" do things which might help such as daily walks (with or without a dog) due to "depression, anxiety, and panic". It is a vicious and closed circle.

Truly, I am one of those who "does not understand".
Old 05-04-2015, 03:42 AM
29,782 posts, read 34,876,173 times
Reputation: 11705
Heartfocus, you have a very difficult and challenging life compounded by a very difficult and challenging health situation. Each serves to magnify the other and are possibly being treated independently of each other. What you possibly are seeking U.S. A path that ables you to best manage traveling through life. Perhaps dealing with positive people as best you can and as best they are willing. Be careful of those seeking to manipulate and gain from your vulnerability. Finally as best you can and are willing find the faith that is there waiting to be discovered.
Old 05-04-2015, 04:37 AM
Location: U.S. (East Coast)
1,231 posts, read 1,051,917 times
Reputation: 2627
My community has meeting/groups for depressed people and also provides free transportation.... there are numerous groups that meet weekly for people with depression at the local centers. Does your town have something like this? Maybe you could contact Social Services or look on their website for community outreach programs? It may help, it's worth a try
Old 05-04-2015, 04:40 AM
322 posts, read 677,141 times
Reputation: 428
No I live in a rural town up in the forest with no groups and no resources. Also, I can't make it down to the next town to the mental health clinic because my car needs brakes and I am unable to walk a mile or so to the bus stop.

Old 05-04-2015, 05:20 AM
761 posts, read 638,494 times
Reputation: 2229
OP: your post is indeed a cry for help and although I can't walk in your shoes, I do empathize with your plight.

There are some great resources and caring people on here and I'm sure that if you search, you will find some answers. It sounds like you are desperately in need of better social services and/or professional care.

I'm not sure whether you belong to a church and I won't push that if you are not religious, but a caring church community can go a long way in helping and understanding your situation. My church has helped many people who needed that helping hand and rallied around them to give them hope. Ministers often have wide reaching social networks and can network solutions much better than the individual that needs assistance.

Again, this is just my 2 cents worth and I am not judging you.

Best of luck to you!
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