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Old 01-27-2019, 09:32 PM
 
Location: State of Denial
1,914 posts, read 961,572 times
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I absolutely reinvented myself after widowhood. After a period of WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??????? WHERE AM I GOING TO GO????? WHAT'S GOING TO BECOME OF ME?????? I became much more daring and adventurous.


I went from "oh, I don't know...…" to "sure, why not?"


I went out and did things I never would have done.
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Old 01-28-2019, 03:18 AM
 
5,430 posts, read 3,452,633 times
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I think the terms 'widow' and 'widower' could be banished.

I don't think one should define and think of themselves, especially women, primarily in terms of whether they are attached to a male or whether they are married or not.

It's just unnecessary. When your spouse dies, just rely on yourself for your own identity. Do not maintain your identity and status on your deceased spouse by calling yourself a 'widow' or 'widower'. (it has nothing to do with respecting their memory)

This could be true of the terms 'divorcee' and 'divorced' too. When no longer married, just rely on your own identity - don't couch your identity or status in your former husband's identity by claiming to be divorced or a divorcee rather than single. (like the forms which often have married, divorced, single)

I realize some of this usage has to do with having children. But the terms 'widow' and 'widower' could easily fall out of use - why define and base your status and identity on a deceased spouse by calling yourself a 'widow' or 'widower'.

Rely on your own identity, and if you do not have a strong identity, invent or reinvent one. I find the terms morbid.

Last edited by matisse12; 01-28-2019 at 03:44 AM..
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Old 01-28-2019, 10:20 AM
 
Location: New Mexico
6,579 posts, read 3,670,806 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
I think the terms 'widow' and 'widower' could be banished...

But the terms 'widow' and 'widower' could easily fall out of use - why define and base your status and identity on a deceased spouse by calling yourself a 'widow' or 'widower'.
Yes, I find "widow(er)" to be a hard concept to use to describe anyone or myself. But, I suppose that it is better than "Relict" which we left in the dust some time ago. "Survivor" is only marginally better but is used in a number of ways and some are positive.
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Old 01-28-2019, 12:08 PM
 
1,654 posts, read 569,044 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
I think the terms 'widow' and 'widower' could be banished.

I don't think one should define and think of themselves, especially women, primarily in terms of whether they are attached to a male or whether they are married or not.

It's just unnecessary. When your spouse dies, just rely on yourself for your own identity.
I completely agree with this. The only document I can think of where "widow/widower" should replace "single" is an application for Social Security benefits. In that case it has financial ramifications.

The only other instance would be on a Federal tax return which has "Qualifying Widow(er) with Dependent Child" as a status category but that is a specific case and again, involves money.
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Old 01-28-2019, 01:01 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,587 posts, read 17,582,380 times
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It's easy to say "just assume your own identity," but a person's identity gets impacted by so many different facets of life.

If you're married for decades and that spouse dies, that person is a huge part of your life, and is probably the most significant person in your life at that point. It's only natural for that bond to comprise a huge part of your self-actualization - that existential "who am I?"

There are tons of stories out there of displaced workers losing a sense of self-worth after being laid off. They identified themselves, at least partly through their occupation, and with the loss of that aspect of their lives comes a period of questioning and a search.
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Old 01-29-2019, 06:46 AM
 
Location: equator
3,443 posts, read 1,535,055 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BBCjunkie View Post
I'm not sure if any of us truly "reinvent" ourselves, but more likely it's that we discover or acknowledge certain aspects of ourselves that we may not have recognized or had kept under wraps deliberately.

I was originally going to say that I reinvented myself after splitting up with my husband but then realized that the process had begun before that point. If it hadn't, I wouldn't have been ready to do that but would have continued to go on as I had been previously. For me it was more of a recognition of self-worth rather than a reinvention of self (which to me implies deliberately becoming someone different than I previously was.) I have always been the person I am now, it just took until a certain point in my life to recognize that as being a good thing.
This is a very good, thoughtful point, BBC. Bad husbands suppress our real selves, squash and confine us. Then when we finally get free, the TRUE self can emerge at last. Talk about freeing! We find out who we are, again!

To be fair, the ex's were not ALL bad. They did introduce me to adventures I would not have done on my own. But if I wanted something outside their purview, forget it. It was a high price to pay...
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Old 01-30-2019, 08:41 PM
 
Location: middle tennessee
1,925 posts, read 989,645 times
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Originally Posted by Bette View Post
2019 - I'm really trying to be healthy and during this process (working out with a trainer and also walking 4 miles a day), the trainer mentioned something to me.

This is going to sound really stupid but I have never used my given name. I hate it; still hate it but my parents gave me a nickname which went OK with my maiden name but kind of sounds flat with my married name.

The other night, he wanted to know what my name was from. He did not know it was a nickname.
So, I told this to the trainer.

He said, well, why don't you go by ___ and it would sound good with your last name? Well, it does and then I had this dream.

I dreamed I had moved away to a 55 plus, took this name, was thinner, was doing all the things I missed out on in life, having friends, all the social stuff and then I woke up.

Do people actually do this?



when you say that you are not a widow, does that mean you have a living husband, because if you do, it might be awkward.


Otherwise, I have three other names that I use/have used. Just start introducing yourself socially with your new name.


I hope you get to live your dream
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