Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I've been following your 'journey' and sometimes wish I could wave a magic wand and make things good for you. I think a lot of your 'problem' is plain old depression and with what you've got going on...choosing a place to live, prepping to move, plus your sister...that's no big surprise. I've had my bouts with depression and it's always been "situational stuff" that I just couldn't do anything about at the time.
Sometimes a major move can be 'just what the doctor ordered' even though it IS an ordeal. Even after you've moved there you will still have things going that depress you...like your sister's situation. And I hope you don't feel worse and like you are 'leaving her'. And the thing with your daughter too. You have a lot on your plate, a lot to think about and, yeah, that can all be pretty depressing sometimes.
I don't know how you are doing for friends but I really think that we all need at least one or two good friends in our lives. Someone who has our back, will listen when we need them to and just BE THERE for us. Cheaper than therapy! lol I have one friend to my name here and we don't see one another, or even talk on the phone much, but we both know that the other is there when we need them. We've been friends for about 20 years now so a long time relationship. I hope you have some good friends no matter where you live.
Friendships are so important, I agree with that. But finding the "right" friend is not always easy. I've had a lot of tough things to get through in my life and have found people only want to hear about it once or twice, but then no more. But the problem lags on and on and it's still there for me. So I have more or less distanced myself from many friends (as they have also distanced from me). I've just become friendly with a woman here who seems on same wavelength but unfortunately likes the wine a bit too much. I come from a family of alcoholics (sometimes pretty violent) so listening to her after she has had a few is not fun. I know I can be rather judgmental (not proud of that), and am trying to lighten up. People are just human beings, after all.
Depression has been with me for most of my life. I have done counseling, etc. for many years. Believe me, as the cigarette ad says, I've come a long way, baby. The area I live in (most of my life here) has gotten too depressing for me, too many lousy memories. While my daughter has re-entered my life (at least I think she has), she is pretty "sick" but has gotten some counseling. When her father and I were divorcing, she told me he had sexually abused her. But now?? Best friends with him. She actually feels sorry for him, his third wife doesn't do anything with him. Good grief. I wouldn't either!!
My son went over the edge, too. He spent five years in OK prison for something his father should have gone to jail for. Has gone from one stupid thing right into the next stupid thing. I cut him off after he threatened to sic a lawyer on me because I (heaven forbid!) looked at his Facebook page. And of course, the lies he was great at telling me...... apple does not fall far from the tree. Unfortunately.
Once I get to NC, rest up from the move, get my bearings, I plan to do things in a different way. I won't have to spill my guts to everyone I meet. Can be a lot choosier in who I make as a friend. Know the boundaries, etc. And I hope to do a lot of reading!!
I would like to be friends with you, too. You seem to have a pretty good "handle" on life. Thank you for your input.
Friendships are so important, I agree with that. But finding the "right" friend is not always easy. I've had a lot of tough things to get through in my life and have found people only want to hear about it once or twice, but then no more. But the problem lags on and on and it's still there for me. So I have more or less distanced myself from many friends (as they have also distanced from me). I've just become friendly with a woman here who seems on same wavelength but unfortunately likes the wine a bit too much. I come from a family of alcoholics (sometimes pretty violent) so listening to her after she has had a few is not fun. I know I can be rather judgmental (not proud of that), and am trying to lighten up. People are just human beings, after all.
Depression has been with me for most of my life. I have done counseling, etc. for many years. Believe me, as the cigarette ad says, I've come a long way, baby. The area I live in (most of my life here) has gotten too depressing for me, too many lousy memories. While my daughter has re-entered my life (at least I think she has), she is pretty "sick" but has gotten some counseling. When her father and I were divorcing, she told me he had sexually abused her. But now?? Best friends with him. She actually feels sorry for him, his third wife doesn't do anything with him. Good grief. I wouldn't either!!
My son went over the edge, too. He spent five years in OK prison for something his father should have gone to jail for. Has gone from one stupid thing right into the next stupid thing. I cut him off after he threatened to sic a lawyer on me because I (heaven forbid!) looked at his Facebook page. And of course, the lies he was great at telling me...... apple does not fall far from the tree. Unfortunately.
Once I get to NC, rest up from the move, get my bearings, I plan to do things in a different way. I won't have to spill my guts to everyone I meet. Can be a lot choosier in who I make as a friend. Know the boundaries, etc. And I hope to do a lot of reading!!
I would like to be friends with you, too. You seem to have a pretty good "handle" on life. Thank you for your input.
It's so true that good friends are hard to find. When I first moved back to my hometown I thought I really SHOULD make some new friends here, especially since I plan to live here the rest of my life, but it just didn't happen. I tried going to the Senior Center and found that they already had their 'cliques' in place and, evidently, had enough friends they didn't need any more. I've always worked but my co-workers are generally a LOT younger than me, so no common interests there. Where I'm at now there are plenty of older women, some divorced and some widowed, but they remain acquaintances and I can't seem to get any of them interested in doing things. Same with church. So I finally just gave up. It's okay though and I do just fine on my own doing my little road trips and such. And I keep so busy around here these days I don't have time to think about it anyway!
I've had some problems with my own kids over the years but nothing as 'bad' as what you've been through with yours. My oldest son got into drugs at 14 and didn't get 'clean and sober' till he was 29. During those years I kind of got used to the middle of the night phone calls wanting to know what he "should do" in situations. The phone ringing at 3 AM was hard to deal with though. I'm thankful that the other three never got into stuff like that. My son is 56 now and been clean and sober for many years.
I do hope that once you get moved you are able to find your "happy place". We all need that and even if you find yourself still being alone it can be a good thing. I kind of like not having to worry about other people, etc..
I've always been a somewhat active person.....always on my feet.....worked as an Auto Tech for 20+ years, and currently working as a second shift Custodian, so both occupations have kept me on my feet, and I do a lot of outdoor activities and chores, so I figured I just plumb wore my knees out (Miniscus twice in Left Knee, once in Right Knee....Ulnar Nerve in both Elbows). Hit 50, and started falling apart, but that's okay, just keep chuggin' along and keep doing what I can, till I can't anymore.
I know the feeling. Early in my life, I worked for 20 years in the tire and auto service business, always pounding on concrete. I also played a lot of basketball on both wood and paved courts. Now I need both a left hip and a right knee replaced. My orthopedic surgeon for the hip replacement had a cardiologist check me out for the surgery. Just got the call today that a CT scan shows I have an aortic aneurysm. So I have been slapped with a weight restriction for lifting, can't do anything strenuous and have to meet with the cardiologist after having some blood work done to discuss how we are going to monitor this and the lifestyle changes I will have to make.
Somehow, this is not how I pictured retirement after year one.
It's so true that good friends are hard to find. When I first moved back to my hometown I thought I really SHOULD make some new friends here, especially since I plan to live here the rest of my life, but it just didn't happen. I tried going to the Senior Center and found that they already had their 'cliques' in place and, evidently, had enough friends they didn't need any more. I've always worked but my co-workers are generally a LOT younger than me, so no common interests there. Where I'm at now there are plenty of older women, some divorced and some widowed, but they remain acquaintances and I can't seem to get any of them interested in doing things. Same with church. So I finally just gave up. It's okay though and I do just fine on my own doing my little road trips and such. And I keep so busy around here these days I don't have time to think about it anyway!
I've had some problems with my own kids over the years but nothing as 'bad' as what you've been through with yours. My oldest son got into drugs at 14 and didn't get 'clean and sober' till he was 29. During those years I kind of got used to the middle of the night phone calls wanting to know what he "should do" in situations. The phone ringing at 3 AM was hard to deal with though. I'm thankful that the other three never got into stuff like that. My son is 56 now and been clean and sober for many years.
I do hope that once you get moved you are able to find your "happy place". We all need that and even if you find yourself still being alone it can be a good thing. I kind of like not having to worry about other people, etc..
I can't believe how similar we are. I joined a group three years ago because I thought I needed new friends and some fun stuff to do. First time I went was a picnic at the organizer's home and it was very nice. Then I did some other things with them, but eventually the group dwindled to just 3 or 4 and I started dreading the get-togethers. I have found I am my own best friend. I know what I like. I go for rides, too, and look forward to taking a lot of them in NC. Can't wait to do the skyline highway through the mountains. I can stop when I want to, eat when I'm hungry, etc. Not worry about somebody else's needs, too. Guess that sounds a bit selfish, but it's who I have become over the years. But I honestly don't want to be in situations where I'm miserable anymore. Life is getting shorter and I don't want to waste anymore of it.
It sounds as though you have had plenty of pain with your son. There is no comparison, pain is pain. My son is kind of "stuck" because his crime is forever written on his driver's license. And when you do almost anything in life, you have to show that as ID to prove you are who you say you are. So jobs are practically nonexistent for him. His sister told me he is now thinking of yet another divorce (3rd). He made really bad choices all the way around. His first wife and her step-sister wanted to punish him for cheating and leaving wife for another and I think that is how his prison time got started. It's a punishment he will never be free from until he dies.
Once I'm settled in my new home, I may meet new people and make new friends. But I'll remember to set boundaries, not blab my life story to anyone who listens, etc. I have to take better care of myself.
I am so glad your son found peace and turned his life around. Parents sure can suffer.
I know the feeling. Early in my life, I worked for 20 years in the tire and auto service business, always pounding on concrete. I also played a lot of basketball on both wood and paved courts. Now I need both a left hip and a right knee replaced. My orthopedic surgeon for the hip replacement had a cardiologist check me out for the surgery. Just got the call today that a CT scan shows I have an aortic aneurysm. So I have been slapped with a weight restriction for lifting, can't do anything strenuous and have to meet with the cardiologist after having some blood work done to discuss how we are going to monitor this and the lifestyle changes I will have to make.
Somehow, this is not how I pictured retirement after year one.
I am so sorry you are going through this terrible time. You are right, retirement should not look like that. I hope you get through it with flying colors and able to re-start retirement in good health and enjoy your life. Good luck to you.
I can't believe how similar we are. I joined a group three years ago because I thought I needed new friends and some fun stuff to do. First time I went was a picnic at the organizer's home and it was very nice. Then I did some other things with them, but eventually the group dwindled to just 3 or 4 and I started dreading the get-togethers. I have found I am my own best friend. I know what I like. I go for rides, too, and look forward to taking a lot of them in NC. Can't wait to do the skyline highway through the mountains. I can stop when I want to, eat when I'm hungry, etc. Not worry about somebody else's needs, too. Guess that sounds a bit selfish, but it's who I have become over the years. But I honestly don't want to be in situations where I'm miserable anymore. Life is getting shorter and I don't want to waste anymore of it.
It sounds as though you have had plenty of pain with your son. There is no comparison, pain is pain. My son is kind of "stuck" because his crime is forever written on his driver's license. And when you do almost anything in life, you have to show that as ID to prove you are who you say you are. So jobs are practically nonexistent for him. His sister told me he is now thinking of yet another divorce (3rd). He made really bad choices all the way around. His first wife and her step-sister wanted to punish him for cheating and leaving wife for another and I think that is how his prison time got started. It's a punishment he will never be free from until he dies.
Once I'm settled in my new home, I may meet new people and make new friends. But I'll remember to set boundaries, not blab my life story to anyone who listens, etc. I have to take better care of myself.
I am so glad your son found peace and turned his life around. Parents sure can suffer.
I think there are different kinds of "selfish" and, if I am after a lifetime of always doing for and taking care of others, then it's what I get to be! When you spend so many years alone you just 'get that way' because it's what you're used to. I actually LIKE being alone, just here at my house. Like yesterday and today, I've been painting my guest bedroom, taking breaks when I feel like it, eat when I feel like it and getting other chores done, but I don't feel like I'm 'working' at it. I just do everything at my own pace and nobody giving me "advice", etc. either. lol I rarely leave my house on my days off unless I just HAVE to.
It sounds like your son has dug himself into a deep hole. I'm sorry to hear that because it's hard on everyone. I have a couple of nephews who have done the same thing and then they wonder why they can't "make it" in the world. They don't try very hard either.
When I was young I was a "blabber". I didn't hold much back. The older I got though the more I realized how hard people can, and will, judge you. I gradually quit doing it and now hardly anyone knows anything about me. I can work with people for years but they couldn't tell you much about me outside of work.
I just realized that my guest bedroom is now the same blue as the background on our quoted posts! lol
AZDesertBrat: I have heard that before, two different kinds of selfish. I guess we both fit the one that is really good for us.
Oh my, yes I have been judged. Some people love to think they are "better than" the rest of us. Yet I still wonder how they would have managed all those challenges. Lately I've heard one or two people say I should be proud of myself. For one thing, I'm still standing. Not in a padded cell. Or dead. I'm trying to see it that way.
I went through a time when I had to have plans, had to have somebody to do something with, etc. Often booked two activities for the same time. Of course they did not "work".
But being alone isn't scary anymore. I like it. I have done 3 days in a row and felt pretty good about myself. I did learn from another friend that it is important to get out once in a while, get some coffee, something to eat. Sit and watch people. She said do it every day but that is more than I want to (and I can't afford it). Money is short, always has been. Learning to live with things as they are. And it is not so bad.
I need to get busy soon and vacuum the rug and other kinds of cleaning. I've let it go way too long and I'm embarrassed by it.
Myself, and many other people I know, who are 55-60, tell me they just don't feel that great. We are all early retirees who felt that if we quit work earlier than the traditional age of 65, we would have more time for travel, sports, and hiking, etc. But while our minds are still sharp, we are honest with each other and say, we just don't feel that great. Our bodies are stiff and sore, we don't sleep well, our energy level is low and it is hard to make it up the steps, let alone walk a long distance.
While an active early retirement in your late 50s sounds great in theory, I suspect that many of us feel like are 70- not 59. Can you relate? How do you really feel? Be HONEST now!
I'm 67, still work full time and I do not draw social security yet.
I feel great!
Got to work this morning at 6:50, enjoyed a cup of coffee, started work in earnest at 7:30 and got really busy between 1:30 and 5:30 with unexpected stuff popping up. Got home at 6:00.
Tomorrow is a big day, have a large project being commissioned tomorrow so I get to get up at 4:15, drive 200 miles to get there at 8:00 and spend the morning doing neat stuff. On the way home I get to stop at another project to do a little surveying and I doubt I will get home anytime before 8:00 tomorrow night making it a 15 hour day.
After I get home I'll eat a little dinner, have a glass of wine and sleep like a baby until Friday morning. I won't even set my alarm Friday morning (no appointments) so I've already told everyone I will show up to work when I show up. I already know I am going to be really tired tomorrow night.
Being 67 I am sometimes asked when I expect to retire and my answer is always the same; I don't know. Financially I am fortunate in that I could retire now but why should I if I don't feel like it? 68? 69? 70? 75? I honestly don;t know, could be tomorrow if the wind blows the wrong way.
In the meantime my social security benefit increases by $100 every six months I continue to work without drawing and who couldn't use an extra $400, $600 or even $800/month after they really do have to retire?
If the good Lord takes me before I ever collect it's not a loss because eventually my wife will collect and I will sleep better knowing she has more.
Sometimes a major move can be 'just what the doctor ordered' even though it IS an ordeal. Even after you've moved there you will still have things going that depress you...like your sister's situation. And I hope you don't feel worse and like you are 'leaving her'. And the thing with your daughter too. You have a lot on your plate, a lot to think about and, yeah, that can all be pretty depressing sometimes.
...
Hear hear! There are two schools of thought about moving.
One I have heard from my family and "friends" is: Wherever you go, there you are. Whatever dysfunction you have in the present circumstance is entirely attributable to YOU. You cannot escape yourself, so you'll have wound up eroding, not improving, your situation by attempting to "run away" from it. So STAY HERE, mired in this sh*t, where we at least have the pleasure of hectoring you.
The other is MY thinking. That is: There IS such a thing as the geographic cure. There is likely a reason why the current place does not "work" for you. The sooner you put a pencil to paper and figure out why, and item out the characteristics of a place that WILL work for you, and match those characteristics to a specific geography, and actually GET there and get cracking, the better off you are.
The geographic cure has worked for me 100% of the time. Being somewhat analytical, I have always had faith in my capability to reason out what to do, why, and when. That capability is worth more than any of those lectures from others. I have ALWAYS improved my circumstances, and my childrens' prospects, when I took the geographic cure after the analysis.
We only go around once. If we are relentlessly honest with ourselves, a move will be undertaken on the basis of ruthless analysis.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
