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Once upon a time a woman felt she had to stay in a marriage if she was unhappy.
...
In today's world, women have so many opportunities. They can take care of themselves. ....
My prior postings have been rather elliptical and guarded, in the interest of maintaining decorum. Now I shall be blunt. And the blunt message is that men have a higher vested interest in maintaining a shaky or broken marriage, than do women. Changes in laws and mores mean that the prevailing ethos is no longer on their side.
Of course even the most retrograde amongst us would not regard women as chattel to be transferred from their fathers to their husbands. Even so, in a world where divorce is difficult or impossible, and couples are expected to stay together regardless of their personal problems, men benefit more than women. In a "loveless" marriage, where neither partner is particularly happy, men benefit from continuation of the marriage, more than do the women. Women stand to gain more from liberalized divorce laws, than do men.
Why is this so? Because men - then and now! - derive less of their emotional regeneration from marriage. Instead, being married is a physical comfort and a status symbol. That the marriage is unfulfilling or emotionally distant is certainly unpleasant, but this is less of a travesty than it would be for women. An older man disengaged and alienated from his wife would still do better remaining married, than getting divorced and becoming alone. An older woman on the other hand might do better by divorcing, even if she can't (or won't) find a replacement husband.
Men get satisfaction from just being married - never mind to whom, or under what circumstances. Women get satisfaction from the internal dynamics of the marriage, from the sort of marriage that it is. For a woman, a bad marriage is worse than being alone and adrift. A bad marriage is a trap. For a man, a bad marriage isn't entirely bad. At least it's a marriage, and nearly any marriage is better than no marriage at all.
And so, what might be termed draconian, simplistic and inflexible divorce laws hurt women far more than they hurt men. I'd even go further: they actually benefit men - especially men with stunted social-skills, who would struggle finding a new partner, if their current partner left them.
I should hate to waste anybody else's time discussing the more editorialized aspects of my OP
especially as others have seen the more objective macro point of what I hoped we might share civilly together: later in life relationship change that we find acceptable /advisable, or not, and our rationals for said positions
ukgirl49,
Although you had expressed regrets in starting this thread and another poster had suggested to close it, I think you had provided this retirement/seniors community a good service by raising this 'later in life relationship change' issue.
Changes in life are inevitable. As we go through different stages of our life, starting a job, getting married, raising kids, changing jobs, losing jobs, experiencing empty nest syndrome, retiring, moving to a new location, facing health issues etc. our thinking, emotional states and life perspective changes. Sometimes, these changes make a couple more harmonized but sometimes they create more discords. Some relationships become stronger but some just fall apart especially when the binding glues like 'nest-building' tasks, child rearing/taking care of older parents responsibilities etc are gone.
For those we are not seeking a change like myself, the topic reminds us that we should never take anything in life for granted, that we should reflect more often and should try to see life from the other person's viewpoint . We should be cognitive of the changes in ourselves and others to address any issues and/or to make adjustments.
For those who are unhappy, feeling stuck, grudgingly accepting the status quo, thinking that it is too late in life to make a change, they might find the courage to address the problem. This can lead to an improvement in life with their current partner or changes in the life of both sides. There is no guarantee that a change will be for the better but if one is already unhappy, what is the point of maintaining the status quo?
Regarding the expression about the fat lady singing, I think the OP was having a bit of fun with us using the old opera expression. It brings to mind my dear over weight friend who preforms in musical theater and opera. Whenever friends get together and we are trying to decide whether or not to call it a day or finish a task or something along those lines she always jokes saying "It's not over until the fat lady sings and I haven't sung yet so it's not over."
My comments are not an attempt to absolve "guilt" for I have none. I am merely reflecting on the last three years of my life and I possibly will touch a chord with others who feel the same.
My marriage lasted over forty years to a good man who was an excellent provider. We were friends and shared similar interests.
I reached my early sixties with a non- kindred spirit wondering it this was all their was and knowing that others had experienced more in their partnership than I had.
I assign no blame to this. It was not his "fault" or mine. He deserved to be loved totally but I couldn't do it. I hope no one comments that I should have loved him romantically. How can this be forced? This is a rhetorical question for me , others will have their opinion.
When we moved to our new home I met a new woman friend who knew everyone in town and we went out together socially. My husband was either traveling or was not interested in coming.
The rest in a predictable story. I met a man who is my new partner as of three years.
I asked for a divorce. Yes, it was painful( my husband has since remarried), my family was split apart.
But, I have no regrets as to my decision. I now know what it means to feel intimacy and to love and be loved.
Yes I am fortunate that financially I could leave this empty ( for me) marriage and take a risk, for risk it was.
But I'm still alive and I want to live my life to the full while I can. Our age should not be an excuse for inertia. Before anyone else says it, yes, this was a thoroughly self centred action on my part but my life is not a shell anymore.
A curious question indeed. Would my body weight have any bearing on the discussion?
The expression derives from the opera/music halls and is purely metaphorical. Or perhaps you were speaking metaphorically too?
I have no need of catharsis so the simple response is, "No".
BellaDL and Ohio-peasant's comments were intelligent, articulate, non-personal and a pleasure to read.
Yes, it was a metaphor reflecting your use of one but I can also see how it could have been taken as a double endendre.
The question about it being a cathartic event stems from taking your thoughts and actions about a private event and putting it out "on the streets" which could be percieved as a way to unburden one's soul as one here knows you so any back chatter can be filtered as a reenforcement of the answers you are seeking.
It is a life altering event that you're going through and any thoughts about it will be taken along with you for the rest of your life right up to your death bed.
Hopefully you'll have no regrets and that you can reconcile any cognitive dissonance that may keep you occupied to the point that you may not find any happiness in the rest of your life.
I wish you peace and love.
This is the Retirement forum. Did you mean to post this in the Relationships forum? Certainly that would have been more appropriate.
Retirement is about the next chapter in one's life, about starting a new adventure, not the continuation of the same old life. That is exactly why this phase of one's life has a specific name to it and why someone can retire at 40. Or 30. It is also why people who have been wealthy their entire lives never say they are retired or will retire. They can't because the term does not apply to them even though they most certainly can change their life's direction.
It is definitely a topic for this forum.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ukgirl49
It is hard to know how to respond to the diversity of comments and assumptions.
I sincerely apologize if this is not the correct forum for this.
Everyone's relationship is different and what works for one may spell disaster for another. There is no one size fits all. Period. You owe no one an apology and your posts are good; they are from the heart. If anyone has a problem with your situation just keep in that is their problem, not yours. Go on with yourself and get the happiness that you, that we all, deserve. Who cares what a handful of oldies on an Internet forum think! I grauantee you that out in the real world, away from the anonymity of the Internet ironically, you will hear the opposite in opinion. Visit a hospice and talk to someone who's time is quickly coming to an end. They will all tell you three things, among other stuff:
1. Don't waste your time in a relationship that does not ultimately bring joy to your life (and/or your SOs).
2. Don't waste your time with negative people/opinion.
3. That those who had long, loving, relationships only did so out of sheer LUCK; that they were lucky to have found that person and that they were lucky it all worked out.
If the hospice thing is too hard, keep in mind that it is far more uplifting than being a downer but you can talk to some older people in your community, too. They'll pretty much say the same thing for the most part.
Plus, it would it would make their day to have some random person come in to chat with them
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nor'Eastah
There is nothing wrong with changing partners at point in a marriage. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Except we think these are all 30- and 40- year olds doing this, when my own observation is that many seniors change partners, as well. If you love your spouse, make sure they know it!
Sometimes the best way to show how much you love someone is to let go.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ukgirl49
I think I thought that other people might be "just going through the motions" in their marriages too and it might be relevant.
It is relevant. It is just that most on here do not want to admit to it because the last thing anyone wants to think about, whether they are 20 or 70, in a new relationship or one that has extended decades, is the possibility that their SO is not into the relationship as much as they are. It is one of the realities of life that people choose to ignore: you can't make someone love you let alone stay with you. It takes two to make a relationship work but only one is required to end it. If the other person wants out, you are SOL.
When you truly love someone you love them in such a way that you will want to see them happy no matter what; even if that ultimately means having to end the relationship. Love is always giving, never selfish.
The expression flogging a horse to death comes to mind; just reiterating our own opinions.
I have requested twice that discussion about my personal situation in the OP be let go as some of the current discussion bears no real semblance to reality.
NYgal2NC. Is absolutely right when she says stop defending.
Let the lies and insults stand. They're annoying but can't hurt me.
Best wishes to all for a happy, healthy summer.
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Yes:
