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1. If these people are the parents of you and your husband, that is four people.
I'm not the OP but DH & I had 5 parents for whom we felt responsibility and chipped in (time-wise in all cases, money in some): his biological parents, my biological parents, my stepfather of 20+ years who had no biological children and was in every way a grandparent to our children and a member of the family.
I can see someone having 6 or more.
I'm not the OP but DH & I had 5 parents for whom we felt responsibility and chipped in (time-wise in all cases, money in some): his biological parents, my biological parents, my stepfather of 20+ years who had no biological children and was in every way a grandparent to our children and a member of the family.
I can see someone having 6 or more.
That occurred to me. (I had three.) But she sounds so battered by multiple demands...that my advice was "lifeboat" advice. Only take on board who you can afford....the alternative is disaster.
Only take on board who you can afford....the alternative is disaster.
That's good advice. In our case we triaged and mostly focused on 1-2 at any given time - whomever was most infirm.
Sometimes one would recover well enough for us to take a breath and then within a month someone else would be stricken. This went on for about 20 years.
Yes, there are holes in the story. Maybe the op can fill them in for us.
I've gotten some really really good advice here, thanks to all who have posted.
To be clear on the elderly, one pair of them are the grandparents of my son-in-law. Same generation of people, 80 somethings. We will not be responsible for their care or passing but the son in law is heavily involved. It's hard on him.
Others are our parents, and the parents of our husbands and wives. All immediate family. There are quite a few of them.
And when one of the parents go, the remaining spouse must be cared for. Nobody knows what to do about that either.
It just seems like that entire generation of people are going all at once. There is so much useless and expensive intervention at the end of life, so many care decisions to be made. Nobody wants to be responsible for making wrong decisions for these old people, so everybody does nothing seeming to hope for a miraculous outcome?
I'd wish to get together with other family members to make some hard choices and decisions. But nobody's talking.
If any of then were vets look into what Uncle provides. I don't remember the details, but just about any veteran is eligible to be buried in a Veteran's Cemetery at no or low cost.
Cremations cost a whole lot less than a burial.
The dead don't care what their casket looks like, but funeral homes like to push fancy expensive caskets. Look into this stuff now, not when you are grieving. The funeral industry has perfected steering bereaved relatives into high cost funerals. It is a trap.
I want to add that this also goes for spouses of veterans. They are also entitled to be buried in National Cemeteries.
I'm in my later 50s. And the OP is right. Everyone I know is coping somehow with the death or illness of aging parents, aunts and uncles.
My father died young. When I was in my early 30s. My mother took care of all of that.
Recently, my aunt, who lives a few states away, passed in a nursing home. She was 85 and childress. My brother did not step up to help, although he lives in the next state. My cousins are in Arizona and Florida. So I did the best that I could. Her clergyman told me that she could be buried in the Vet's cemetery.
I felt badly because her husband is in a private plot in Connecticut, but the grave digging fees and casket fees were too much. So she had a simple graveside ceremony and was buried in a pine box.
She had a one day viewing. There were five people there. Two were my wife and myself.
I really feel guilty that she isn't next to her husband. If my brother and cousins had helped I could have done a better job of this.
Are you taking on too much? Are you and your husband the only siblings in either of your families? Surely, surely, there is someone else related to all these people who can be involved as well.
I know it is a hard thing to think about, but a very good friend of mine just died, and she and her husband had signed up with the local teaching hospital to have their bodies donated at death. I didn't know this until she died. Of course, it is not something you can do for someone else, but I'm just saying they found this a very easy and simple solution since they were not religious and did it together. There is no cost whatsoever for this.
Another thing to think about is prepaid funeral arrangements, wherein you might be able to convince the parents or whoever that being able to choose their own service, what clothes they want to wear, who is to be pallbearers, etc, might just appeal to some of them. They pay for this themselves then and not only do you not have to pay anything, there is nothing for you to do because it's all arranged.
Very difficult subject I know. I never broached anything with my parents, couldn't possibly have done so, but my mother did still have some very set ideas on what she wanted in a funeral service and who she wanted for pallbearers and so on. And she wrote it all down.
As many other posters have said, you are in the middle of the sandwich and should cut yourself off from the debts of the bottom layer - the children. This at least will help financially.
Please try to keep this from getting you down. We've all either been there, or we'll get there soon; life's no picnic at times, but somehow all this stuff manages to solve itself one way or another. I wouldn't be too quick to take on debt until it is absolutely necessary. Most people have SOMETHING in the bank and funeral directors are usually ready to wait a bit.
I agree with that. I have $7000 in savings to pay for my funeral, which I hope is no viewing & no burial. I want to be cremated and don't want anyone to have to pay for it. My Mother's funeral was $5000 & that was with a viewing. So I'm comfortable with the $7000. What's left will go to a niece & nephew.
Are you taking on too much? Are you and your husband the only siblings in either of your families? Surely, surely, there is someone else related to all these people who can be involved as well.
I know it is a hard thing to think about, but a very good friend of mine just died, and she and her husband had signed up with the local teaching hospital to have their bodies donated at death. I didn't know this until she died. Of course, it is not something you can do for someone else, but I'm just saying they found this a very easy and simple solution since they were not religious and did it together. There is no cost whatsoever for this.
Another thing to think about is prepaid funeral arrangements, wherein you might be able to convince the parents or whoever that being able to choose their own service, what clothes they want to wear, who is to be pallbearers, etc, might just appeal to some of them. They pay for this themselves then and not only do you not have to pay anything, there is nothing for you to do because it's all arranged.
Very difficult subject I know. I never broached anything with my parents, couldn't possibly have done so, but my mother did still have some very set ideas on what she wanted in a funeral service and who she wanted for pallbearers and so on. And she wrote it all down.
As many other posters have said, you are in the middle of the sandwich and should cut yourself off from the debts of the bottom layer - the children. This at least will help financially.
Please try to keep this from getting you down. We've all either been there, or we'll get there soon; life's no picnic at times, but somehow all this stuff manages to solve itself one way or another. I wouldn't be too quick to take on debt until it is absolutely necessary. Most people have SOMETHING in the bank and funeral directors are usually ready to wait a bit.
Let me try again -
My husband has two parents, both of them are crumbling. My husband has 3 brothers, all of whom are not being realistic about the crumbling parents condition.
These three brothers are all married, and their wives parents are all in the 80ish age range and failing too. So now we have 4 brothers and four wives with failing sets of parents.
You see how this starts to add up to a lot of people?
Then: of these 4 brothers now all in their 60's, they have many children, the children now in their 30's and 40's. Quite a few of these 30/40age children have been divorced, unmarried, remarried and have a ton of kids. Most of the 30/40age children are getting some kind of assistance from their parents, the original 4 brothers.
So these 4 brothers are now dealing with many multiple failing parents, and their own 30/40age offspring many of whom are struggling.
Essentially, the four 60something brothers are supporting several rafts of people. And these 4 brothers do not have any kind of plan for the failing state of all of the old people mentioned above.
I had registered as an organ donor and was aware of the option to donate whole body to science but did not have the links to the relevant sites until reading the above article.
Quote:
15. Donate your body to science
Making a “whole body” donation for use in scientific research and education brings funeral costs to zero.
Afterward, cremation is done free of charge. Cremains are returned to the family in three to five weeks, says ScienceCare, a company that connects donors with researchers and educators.
The nonprofit Anatomy Gifts Registry does similar work
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