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So these people are our parents, and the grandparents of our kids and their spouses.
Generally they are in their 80's somewhere, and approaching 90.
There are quite a few of them. Half a dozen or so. As far as I can tell most of them have given no previous thought as as to how the end of their lives should be handled. They have lurched into the end without a plan.
They are in and out of hospitals. They are in care and out of care. They have no money and no resources. They are all at the end of life and we are trying to figure how to deal with it, and with so many of them all at once.
And if I may be frank, the burial costs alone for these many people, I have no idea how it will be paid for - we're still on the hook for our kids student loans!
Some of our kids are failing as well. 40 years old, and on second and third husbands/wives, numerous children, dead broke, half lifetime of bad decisions taking its toll.
So we wish for all of our family members to be cared for in a respectful way.
We cannot save this many people.
I feel trapped and unable to sort through what we can do and what we cannot do. We are just regular working Americans witnessing several generations going down all at once, en masse.
I am feeling paralyzed by the scope of the need. Prioritization is necessary. I can't figure it out.
Had a rough year back in 2013......Aunt passed, 3 weeks later Uncle (husband), one month later, Brother in law on Xmas Eve....March, my Dad.....not many more left.
I do not have answers for your poignant dilemma, so perhaps I shouldn't be posting at all, but I wanted to say "well expressed".
Prioritization is such an individual thing. Children or aging parents? Who can tell you that from the outside? It's a difficult challenge to sort your way through the maze. Burial costs can be moderated through the use of cremation, but there are still some costs involved and that is a small piece of the overall problem anyway.
If adult children have been living on the bank of mom and dad, perhaps it is time to announce that said bank now has some limitations. Why should YOU be "on the hook" for your children's student loans, for example?
Are you feeling responsible for aunts and uncles as well as your parents? Maybe the parents will have to come first?
You have my sympathy, but of course that sympathy will not solve any of your problems.
If any of then were vets look into what Uncle provides. I don't remember the details, but just about any veteran is eligible to be buried in a Veteran's Cemetery at no or low cost.
Cremations cost a whole lot less than a burial.
The dead don't care what their casket looks like, but funeral homes like to push fancy expensive caskets. Look into this stuff now, not when you are grieving. The funeral industry has perfected steering bereaved relatives into high cost funerals. It is a trap.
But what if they do? How can we know? I must tell you I'm totally creeped out by cremation. Personally, I can't even consider it for any once-living thing.
My real problem is that all of the various family involved in all this various family dilemma, refuses to discuss anything. Of any kind. And then the day is going to come without notice when a lot of deep serious decisions need to be made and nobody will have any idea what should be done. It will be calamitous.
I prefer to get there in a more reasoned step-by-step manner. Without calamity. It is imminent.
My perspective is that if you want something, you plan and pay for it. If you die and have not taken care of any funeral arrangements, it is totally up to the those left to decide on what they want to pay for. If anyone has specific demands, then they can pay for it. If the aunt or other relative wants a fancy and expensive ceremony, they can pay for it.
Our family on both sides has no desire for any ceremony and cremation is what we all chose. Mom and Dad's ashes were mailed to Alaska to be placed near the grave of a young daughter. Mominlaw still has Dad's ashes.
You can take the stand and tell them that we all are going to die and they are responsible for taking care of their own arrangements or you will decide on cremation and no ceremony of any kind. Puts the responsibility on them.
Ps: if you dont know what they want and if you dont want cremation, they you either pay up or walk.
You can only do so much and let the rest go. It is hard but necessary for you to survive. Talk to your parents and children about your limitations. Be sympathetic to the rest but take no responsibility for their choicest or lack of them.
it is difficult but you must take care of yourself to be of any help to them.
i did have a family member that wished to be of service donating all useful organs and then his body to medicine to help others learn.
But what if they do? How can we know? I must tell you I'm totally creeped out by cremation. Personally, I can't even consider it for any once-living thing.
My real problem is that all of the various family involved in all this various family dilemma, refuses to discuss anything. Of any kind. And then the day is going to come without notice when a lot of deep serious decisions need to be made and nobody will have any idea what should be done. It will be calamitous.
I prefer to get there in a more reasoned step-by-step manner. Without calamity. It is imminent.
Who exactly are you talking about? Not getting the full picture.
But what if they do? How can we know? I must tell you I'm totally creeped out by cremation. Personally, I can't even consider it for any once-living thing.
My real problem is that all of the various family involved in all this various family dilemma, refuses to discuss anything. Of any kind. And then the day is going to come without notice when a lot of deep serious decisions need to be made and nobody will have any idea what should be done. It will be calamitous.
I prefer to get there in a more reasoned step-by-step manner. Without calamity. It is imminent.
Hey, sometimes this is the best way to get things done - at the last minute - in an emergency!
I wouldn't worry about their burial plans. Cremation is the easiest way to go - and least expensive. That is what I want for myself. Or maybe just wander off into the desert??
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