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Old 11-07-2015, 05:41 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
6,874 posts, read 11,194,066 times
Reputation: 10762

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I am married to a very positive guy. Usually.

Back in late 2007/January 2008, I was looking for a 2nd home location for us - maybe a home in the summer and to slowly morph toward lesser work hours and eventual retirement. 10-15 years away at that point.

Well, life happened and we had something awful happen which affected our future goals. It got resolved (we won) but there was a high financial cost to us and we've tried to stay positive.

I put together a plan in 4 parts and felt husband was on board with it and saw the progress. Rome did not get built in one day but there is some progress. Slow but sure. Everytime he turns around, he has bad news about something - like a computer crash (thousands to fix), client doesn't pay or files bankruptcy (large billing), stuff like that.

My husband is also still dealing with his elderly dad - now 93 - but the good news is - no more car - it has been taken away and he has 24 hour care (caregivers). He can still walk but is getting confused and could never cook or clean. After the last hospital stay, he had to sign something saying he would have 24 hour care. FIL refuses to move from his own home but personally, I'm just happy - no car. At least, he will not cause damage to someone. He was a horrible driver. We are about $2K in the hole each month, however, he is just using his assets for this. (He does not qualify for Aid & Attendants with VA - I tried).
The cost is the caregivers - it is about $1460 per week. It is not through an agency.

We both work long hours and I personally deal with a lot of clients - from first time homebuyers to those retired 20 years. I work throughout the whole State of Florida. I love what I do and feel helping homeowners is a huge emotional plus.

Going back to when I was researching the 2nd home situation - I have continued to get realtor info from several areas so I'm pretty aware of what is being developed, etc. I was able to share with a couple of clients and they were excited and grateful.

My husband is one who can work after 70 - part time if need be - and pull in some extra. He is a very strong proponent of waiting until 70 for SS. I was a bit surprised the other day when he spoke about taking it at 66 (few years away) and "we will be needing to pay the mortgage" - after that, I mentioned the age 70 thing (we will get a lot more) and he was SO NEGATIVE. Like we'll never have anything, etc.

He is not normally this way at all - usually the other one - does this suggest burn out or where he sublimely asking for a change sooner? (Feels stuck)? I asked, he said NO, the next day, just forget it, he said, we'll never get where we want to be.

How do I turn him around?

PS - Our health insurance has really gone up - it is outrageous. We are not eligible for any subsidies. We are with Blue Cross and he is worried about changing - it's now $1600 monthly plus long term care. I was looking at HSA plans and I like those. But, we are a few (5) years away from MC.
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Old 11-07-2015, 06:27 PM
 
1,040 posts, read 865,390 times
Reputation: 6623
If he wants to retire at 66, good on him. He has learned that crap that never could have happened, happened. And this is how he is dealing with it.

You, on the other hand, seem to be dealing with it by making a plan of what you might be able to control, and rigidly standing by it. I used to be that way. Enough "impossibly awful" things happened, though, that I have found that sometimes the best way to hang onto any type of control in my life, is to pretty much let it go.

I am not sure how or why you want to "turn your husband around." It seems to me that he has already done so of his own accord.
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Old 11-07-2015, 06:32 PM
 
Location: Retired in VT; previously MD & NJ
14,267 posts, read 6,890,831 times
Reputation: 17872
I am hoping that by typing out your situation, it helped you a bit to identify where your problems lie. It is confusing to me but I don't really need to know all the details. My general impression is that your plans have been thrown for a loop and you are trying to come up with a new plan. You both suffered a major setback, but on top of it, your husband is watching his dad deteriorate. This in itself is a major life event for him (your husband) and can be very upsetting. There could be grieving going on there... even though his dad is still alive. There could also be anger that he has to spend time/energy/money caring for his dad.

It might help him if you could just take a breather from all the planning, or do it on your own for now without including your husband at this time. Let him grieve for his father and work through his feelings.

Others on this forum may be able to suggest where to turn for help (financial or otherwise) to take care of your father-in-law.


Wishing you the best.
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Old 11-07-2015, 06:32 PM
 
5,097 posts, read 6,325,136 times
Reputation: 11750
Hhmm, sounds like he isn't/hasn't been completely honest with you about his feelings or desires of what he might actually really want. When things don't make sense I always think there is a piece of the puzzle missing.
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Old 11-07-2015, 06:41 PM
 
1,321 posts, read 1,678,474 times
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Also, when there is a personality change, it could be a result of medical issues. I would see if he would go for a physical and I would talk to his doctor ahead of time.
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Old 11-07-2015, 06:51 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
6,874 posts, read 11,194,066 times
Reputation: 10762
Smile Just taking SS earlier

Quote:
Originally Posted by vicky3vicky View Post
If he wants to retire at 66, good on him. He has learned that crap that never could have happened, happened. And this is how he is dealing with it.

You, on the other hand, seem to be dealing with it by making a plan of what you might be able to control, and rigidly standing by it. I used to be that way. Enough "impossibly awful" things happened, though, that I have found that sometimes the best way to hang onto any type of control in my life, is to pretty much let it go.

I am not sure how or why you want to "turn your husband around." It seems to me that he has already done so of his own accord.
Vicky:
He is not talking about actually retiring at 66; just taking SS 4 years earlier than planned. He is self employed and the major life event was something with his end, not mine. I'm here to pick up the pieces, always encouraging.

We are both self employed and we keep that separate.

At times, he says he is not bitter about what happened but maybe this is where it is coming from.

Right now, because of the life event, we would not have enough to retire. I'm working on that. I've had to help him out several times lately (business wise).

He's usually UP - all of sudden, NEGATIVE!!

I know dealing with his dad and all that is wearing. He just exercised his POA a few months ago; now that was super hard. He has to take his dad to the bank one day though and I think he is just dreading that.
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Old 11-07-2015, 06:54 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
6,874 posts, read 11,194,066 times
Reputation: 10762
Smile Good idea

Quote:
Originally Posted by LookingatFL View Post
Also, when there is a personality change, it could be a result of medical issues. I would see if he would go for a physical and I would talk to his doctor ahead of time.
We want to do this before end of year; especially if we're going to change insurance plans. He's pretty healthy and his dad is a long liver (93). His mom passed away from Alzheimer's (74).

Healthwise, he favors his dad's side.

Example of a comment:
We have a client thinking of moving to The Villages (Florida). I was showing my husband some of the homes and his comment - we'll never be able to do that. (Sad tone).

My comment: Yes, we can!
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Old 11-07-2015, 07:07 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
6,874 posts, read 11,194,066 times
Reputation: 10762
Smile Change of scenery

I think a weekend getaway might be in order but that was not in Part 1 of my plan!

He just needs a mental health weekend. We have not had one of those by ourselves since 2009 and that was a business conference so really June 2008.

We're just not where we want to be - financially speaking - but we pay the bills and we made it through these past few years.

I think he is just discouraged.

Thanks for the comments.



**Note: If we were to sell everything (also business) and move to somewhere like The Villages, he might have to start all over again and I don't know if that area is conducive to what he does (CPA)**

Have I thought about it? Sure - but right now, not realistic. Even one of my sisters says we're too young for The Villages but I'm not so sure.

Just wish The Villages were next or closer to the ocean side of the state. I'm a water girl.
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Old 11-07-2015, 07:16 PM
 
12,050 posts, read 10,198,202 times
Reputation: 24777
Well, he has a stressful job. Does he have a physical outlet? Does he exercise, work at some physically demanding hobby?

Desk work/brain work is sometimes not enough to just get out all that aggression, stress or whatever you want to call it - out of the body.

How is his health?
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Old 11-07-2015, 07:21 PM
 
12,050 posts, read 10,198,202 times
Reputation: 24777
Have to agree with the other poster - you are way too young for the Villages. From your original post I thought y'all were in your late 70s or something.

He isn't even 65. Maybe he feels you are dragging him to an early retirement and he just isn't ready. My other half is 69 and if you told him to stop and start hanging out at the senior center, he would have a cow. Even though he is retired from civil service, he is always doing something. Right now working on a masters degree and maybe go on to law school. He has to stay busy - prostate cancer and all! It won't stop him.
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