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Old 12-08-2015, 04:51 PM
 
15,864 posts, read 6,944,867 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CatTX View Post
Oh, I know it isn't because I well remember their arguments and they had nothing to do with me, at least not any more than most disagreements parents seem to have about their child(ren). But it takes a huge toll on kids to have to live with unhappy parents. In my mother's case, she always worked and had the means to strike out on her own. But she got pregnant with me fairly early in the relationship and then probably felt trapped while "trying to do the right thing". I know quite a few others who are also damaged by bad parental relationships, so as Nightengale pointed out, staying together "for the kid(s)" is probably a really bad idea in most cases.
I am sorry that your parents quarrels damaged you. But research shows that barring violence, abuse, drugs or mental illness, children would rather their parents hold it together than divorce. Children have a relationship to each parent regardless of how the adults interact and they do deserve the security of a family. And that need to be prioratized rized. Also children do add tremendous stress on relationship and relationships do change when the kids grow up and are not living together any more.. Your mother may have a different perception of how things were and it is as valid as your own.
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Old 12-08-2015, 04:52 PM
 
Location: California side of the Sierras
11,162 posts, read 7,612,234 times
Reputation: 12523
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatTX View Post
Oh, I know it isn't because I well remember their arguments and they had nothing to do with me, at least not any more than most disagreements parents seem to have about their child(ren). But it takes a huge toll on kids to have to live with unhappy parents. In my mother's case, she always worked and had the means to strike out on her own. But she got pregnant with me fairly early in the relationship and then probably felt trapped while "trying to do the right thing". I know quite a few others who are also damaged by bad parental relationships, so as Nightengale pointed out, staying together "for the kid(s)" is probably a really bad idea in most cases.
I agree. Modeling an unhappy marriage is really not doing your kid(s) any favors.
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Old 12-08-2015, 04:56 PM
 
15,864 posts, read 6,944,867 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100 View Post
I agree. Modeling an unhappy marriage is really not doing your kid(s) any favors.
I don't think people model their parents marriage at all. In fact children of divorce try harder at marriage, children of neglectful parents try harder to be better parents.
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Old 12-08-2015, 05:03 PM
 
Location: California side of the Sierras
11,162 posts, read 7,612,234 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cb2008 View Post
I don't think people model their parents marriage at all. In fact children of divorce try harder at marriage, children of neglectful parents try harder to be better parents.
You may not think so, but I do. And I'm not the only one.

Quote:
Yet, very few people consider the consequences of children growing up in unhappy yet intact homes, as they witness conflicted, unloving and uncooperative parental relations. Children tend to model what they see in their parents' relations. Certainly, as parents we want better for our kids. Yet, the likelihood is that such children will incline toward similar marriages. Worse still, many parents claim their kids really don't know anything is wrong with the marriage. The irony is that they will therefore normalize what may be a mediocre, disappointing or conflicted marriage. At least the kids ought to know that the marriage is indeed falling short of the mark. In that way, they can note the failure and aim higher for themselves when they come of age.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...taying-married
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Old 12-08-2015, 05:06 PM
 
Location: moved
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Old 12-08-2015, 05:18 PM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
50,178 posts, read 63,636,357 times
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I hope I can explain this right. I was the first born of loving parents. I was the first grandchild of loving grandparents. I think my first 12 years were idyllic until my mother died. After that, although my sister. brother and I were well cared for, our father struggled to cope. He was not "there" emotionally for us kids. It was 1959, when the mother raised the children, and the dad just made a living. My father was bereft. He married a woman a few years later who thought we kids were in the way.

Anyway, after my mother died, I spent my teen years fending for myself as best I could. I got pregnant by my first boyfriend and got married at 18. I was thrilled to be free and live life as an adult. The marriage didn't work out, but eventually I got my stuff together and became a stable self confident person.

I am not sure where I was going with all this, except that I believe the stable loving start I got is the thing that allowed me to thrive, despite whatever came after that. I had a bedrock of a loving supportive family, at least for awhile, a safe childhood and school and church environment, so if a child has these things he has a chance to thrive no matter what happens.
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Old 12-08-2015, 06:16 PM
 
2,564 posts, read 1,632,814 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
You exist because of these flawed people. We are all flawed by something our parents did, or did not do, but we make our own way, despite it. We are able to make our own way because of these people. So just say thank you, and live your life.
You must have misunderstood my post, my parents are long deceased and I am living my life just fine. No grudges on my part because I realize they did the best they could, while in a less than desirable situation. However, based on my experience and that of many others I've encountered, staying together for the kids is not a good idea in most cases.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cb2008 View Post
I am sorry that your parents quarrels damaged you. But research shows that barring violence, abuse, drugs or mental illness, children would rather their parents hold it together than divorce. Children have a relationship to each parent regardless of how the adults interact and they do deserve the security of a family. And that need to be prioratized rized. Also children do add tremendous stress on relationship and relationships do change when the kids grow up and are not living together any more.. Your mother may have a different perception of how things were and it is as valid as your own.
No disagreement on that because I consider forcing children to take sides, instead of letting them just be kids, abuse. The same goes for verbal put-downs and frustration taken out on kids because the parents had another disagreement. If parents are civil to each other and dearly love their children, keeping the marriage together until the kids are grown is not a problem. However, I do take exception to you supporting my mother blaming me for her marital troubles.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100 View Post
I agree. Modeling an unhappy marriage is really not doing your kid(s) any favors.
I agree.
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Old 12-08-2015, 07:42 PM
 
9,446 posts, read 6,549,098 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mortgageboss View Post
I am in that age group now, and have been married since I was 31. I can't imagine getting divorced now or at any time in our past. Maybe because we were both out of school for a few years and had matured a bit, we were ready for marriage.

Yes, kids and finances cause stress and problems, but those will come and go with time and effort. You have to take a long view of things.

My wife does work outside the home, and pretty much always has so if something were to happen to me, she would be able to support herself ok.

The only thing that justifies divorce in my opinion is infidelity or physical abuse. Everything else can and should be worked out. Its not always easy loving someone, but that is what you agree to when you take the oath, for better or worse and in sickness and health.
I would add substance abuse as a 3rd justification.
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Old 12-08-2015, 07:49 PM
 
Location: ☀️ SFL (hell for me-wife loves it)
3,671 posts, read 3,534,688 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
...very true...but that essentially means no more SAHMs....you can't maintain the skillset for a livable wage if you're out of the job market for 10+ years.
What is SAHM? Thanks
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Old 12-08-2015, 08:22 PM
 
Location: ☀️ SFL (hell for me-wife loves it)
3,671 posts, read 3,534,688 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cb2008 View Post
what one earns is not the only factor for happiness. women, however much they are qualified, do not make the same amount of money in their lifetime - due to unequal pay, discrimination, time off for motherhood and child rearing, all of which hinder accumulation of wealth and career progress. children do benefit from one parent being home as full time caregiver and often it is the woman who does that be it her children or aging inlaws and parents. so let us not judge women by the money they make. what they contribute is priceless even if there is no compensation in dollars which is a useless way to measure.

pro- divorce? what an idea.

why stick around if your children drive you crazy? parents are a bore and get old and sick? bosses are demanding? college is hard? yes, it IS harder to stay and work on what is hard. the rewards are meaningful only to the person who does the hard work. it is not for anyone else to question or understand.
Cannot quote her any further. My wife went through this as well.
She was praised but never paid... (for the ideas)

The modern world needs to equalize.
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