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Old 12-20-2015, 10:51 AM
Location: South Carolina
13,820 posts, read 18,794,708 times
Reputation: 24495


Originally Posted by willow wind View Post
Think this through carefully.

When you retire, you'll be in your mid 60's?? What makes you think you'll need help then ? For most people that's still a pretty active stage of life. It will most likely be you in your late 70's, 80's etc. when you would need help.

Thus, you're really considering closer to 20 + years down the road. You daughter may marry or have a significant other at that time. Forget what she tells you- things change, life changes . She may decide to move closer to her own kids who will be grown and off on their own. She may or may not be in the best of health herself at that time for any number of reasons. In twenty years, she's not going to be a spring chicken either.

She's also just one person. Do you want her to be housekeeper, chauffeur, nurse, etc. for 2 elderly, sick people. What about her life ? You have just one child . What is fair to her ?

You have lots to think about and lots of time to think about it. Make your moving decision when you get to the point you retire. Then look at whatever might be going on in your daughter's life.

In the meantime, explore long term care policies, put as much aside as you can in anticipation of assisted living if it comes to that. The care you expect your daughter to give maybe very different than what she
is willing or capable of giving.

There is nothing wrong with moving close to kids. Always nice to have family nearby if they all get along. The problems arise when expectations are different.
no don't have just one child , I have 5 kids that live down there but they are 2 hrs away from each other and 2 of em live in a exspensive area and the other one lives in a not so exspensive area .
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Old 12-20-2015, 10:54 AM
Location: NE Mississippi
13,673 posts, read 8,580,903 times
Reputation: 19868
Originally Posted by Zenstyle View Post
"...daughter and family just moved to Dublin Ireland this weekend"

Oh, I laughed heartily when I read this!
Phonelady, take this as an object lesson!
Right! The OP should be reminded that moving near her children may actually tie them down!
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Old 12-20-2015, 10:55 AM
Location: South Carolina
13,820 posts, read 18,794,708 times
Reputation: 24495
I'm think about moving in ten years because at that time we will still be able to move ourselves and by the time I'm 70 or 80 I will not want to be moving ourselves or at all for that matter . My other kids would help us too if we needed it . My daughter will not be tied down to us . i will make sure of that and yes we will make our own friends it is just where we live now the neighbors are not friendly at all and barely wave .Very different from what I'm used too and I don't like it and I cant imagine liking it ten years from now either .
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Old 12-20-2015, 11:34 AM
11,267 posts, read 8,433,015 times
Reputation: 20439
Wow. I was just saying today how badly my heart wants to be closer to my kids. It seems odd for moms to not even consider it. (and I had a mom in mind who seems to not care about the thousand miles her kids live from her) I want my kids to know I'm nearby if they need me. They probably don't but I can guilt them into visiting a lot easier when I'm close. Or else I'm going to have to pay their way to get them to my house. I just miss them.
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Old 12-20-2015, 12:18 PM
1,831 posts, read 2,137,902 times
Reputation: 2602
Probably a bad idea. But I suggest you focus not on the future but on the past to find your answer. Review the manners and events and engagement and accountability of your child over the early years in regards to caring for your needs or welfare. Very few children are truly interested and it may be a cultural and social characteristic.
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Old 12-20-2015, 12:54 PM
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,164 posts, read 20,476,226 times
Reputation: 26443
I stayed in the city my parents live in so that I could help them when they needed it. The time came a lot sooner than I had anticipated and the care that my mother expected was a lot more than I had really planned on. I had imagined helping with heavy household chores or taking them to appointments when they got too old to drive. My dad got Alzheimer's early and my mom was still working full time. She wanted me to watch my dad full time while she worked and she wanted my husband to pick up my dad from her work and drop him off, which was 80 miles a day (20 miles each way, twice a day) in traffic. She wanted this because she didn't want to spend $50/day for care at a facility three miles from her house. I still have young kids at home and my dad has turned into a person who is not very safe around kids...when he was here all the time, he didn't recognize my oldest daughter anymore and thought it was okay to make sexual comments to her. I only managed a month of taking care of my dad full-time. Then I took care of them both for a month when my mom got sick, and I ended up so ill I had to have a couple of transfusions. Now, my mom wants me to watch him so she can have a break sometimes, but he pees everywhere, like in cupboards or the stove or on furniture, and he cusses out my kids and chases them around the house with his fists raised. He hasn't hit anyone yet but that time is coming. We manage a little better at her house but I get sick every time I go to her house (allergic to her cats) and I hurt my back and my foot trying to hold onto my dad when my mom insisted we all go to the store together and he wanted to run away in the parking lot. We've insisted that my mom hire some help, but she says they all charge too much for too little, and she won't even consider a memory care facility for my dad because she doesn't want to pay for it.

I wish I had moved out of town like my sisters did so that the stress and chaos of visiting with my parents would be limited to once every few months instead of several times a week. I love my parents but I know something bad is going to happen every single time they come over, and that's hard to look forward to. My mom has also decided she's afraid to be around my husband because he'll tell them to go home when things get too far out of control, so he's taking extra shifts at work so she can come over on holidays, because otherwise she lets my dad out to roam their neighborhood, which isn't safe.

So my advice is to pick somewhere you'd like to live when you retire and to invest in long term care policies for you and your spouse. You don't know what's going to happen as you get older and it's not fair to assume your daughter will provide all the care that you may need. She deserves a life of her own.

If you do decide to live near her, what about a community for active seniors, with an option for more care later on as you might need it?
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Old 12-20-2015, 01:37 PM
6,450 posts, read 3,073,533 times
Reputation: 5896
We didn't move near any of our 4 kids. Three of them have already moved to different states since we retired. And, its likely they will move around some more. One after vowing they were staying put where they were.

Instead, we moved near parents to make it easier on ourselves caring for them. Also, a sibling for some family support if needed. We also have a few other siblings/cousins within an hour to hour and a half. Its definitely good to have family nearby. We aren't counting on any of them for major support though.

We also moved somewhere our kids like to visit and can fly to relatively easy/cheap from most places in the country. Ditto as long as we are able we can go to them if desired or necessary relatively easy.

We might reconsider one day if they are retired and definitely settled down; not sure. Like you say a big move at that point/age would be a hassle. Not that it couldn't be done.

You case might be a little different in that it sounds like all your children are within 2 hours of each other. So probably at least one or two of them will still be there (although no guarantee) and like I said if your daughter changes her mind you could move closer to one of the others even though it might not be easy.

I think the bottom line is it will be a risk and you need to think through back up plans and whether or not you could be happy there if your daughter leaves.
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Old 12-20-2015, 01:39 PM
4,346 posts, read 6,058,509 times
Reputation: 10440
Give it a shot! But saying she'll take care of you in old age and doing it are two different things. Watching someone age then committing a good part of your life tending to her/him on a daily & nightly basis might just make your daughter hit the real estate pages. How about you move close to her because you love her and want to be near your granddaughters and let go of the expectations. I don't want to sound mean but your needs are selfish. Encourage your daughter to get out there socially, maybe meet someone or at least enjoy her life.
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Old 12-20-2015, 01:46 PM
Location: Dallas
5,601 posts, read 4,936,550 times
Reputation: 16459
I moved closer to my son and his family but NOT with the intention of him taking care of me when I got older.....I would never expect or even want him to do that. I just wanted to be close and be a part of his life, and cultivate a relationship with my grandkids. No matter what people say about Skype, vacation time, etc. there is nothing like being in the same area and able to get together often. I grew up with long distance relatives and really never knew them outside of a yearly visit.

To me, it seems selfish of the OP to expect an unmarried daughter to assume the caregiver role. Just because there is no husband involved, I would imagine the daughter has her own life, interests, and responsibilities. If Op moves, I would hope she would make some arrangements for future care should she need it.
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Old 12-20-2015, 01:58 PM
Location: Los Angeles
3,543 posts, read 2,235,309 times
Reputation: 10607
When my Mother (RIP) burned all of her bridges with my sister (they never got along) she moved near me. As she got older, she required me to drive her everywhere, visit constantly and be available at the drop of a hat. I obliged since it was my Mother after all. However, I have since promised my son that I will NEVER do that to him. My son and I have a great relationship and I know that he would be willing, but I just don't want to put him in that position. There are plenty of services available for hire. As it is, he's in San Diego and I'm in L.A., a 2 hour drive, and that's close enough to visit when we want to.
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