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Old 12-20-2015, 04:02 PM
 
5,429 posts, read 3,452,633 times
Reputation: 13714

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You mention walking to get groceries....better to live where grocery delivery is available rather than trying to walk to get groceries. Grocery delivery services are popping up all over....it's a trend. Although, I think walking to get groceries with one of those wire carts that one pulls is good. I've done it many times and in many places where I've lived. I've also used a large backpack.

Although living in a walking environment is always good for lots of reasons.
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Old 12-20-2015, 04:04 PM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,821 posts, read 18,799,032 times
Reputation: 24495
I'm looking at active senior places as well as condos . I think folks should have a plan . I'm not depending on my daughter to care for me in that way , I'm selfish cause I want to be by my daughter ? wow just wow .
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Old 12-20-2015, 04:05 PM
 
Location: Texas
43,562 posts, read 52,689,396 times
Reputation: 70844
I wish I had what my son has - access to his grandparents whenever he wants and a very close relationship (they live 2 streets over).
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Old 12-20-2015, 04:09 PM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
30,066 posts, read 16,619,946 times
Reputation: 22616
Quote:
Originally Posted by aquietpath View Post
I moved closer to my son and his family but NOT with the intention of him taking care of me when I got older.....I would never expect or even want him to do that. I just wanted to be close and be a part of his life, and cultivate a relationship with my grandkids. No matter what people say about Skype, vacation time, etc. there is nothing like being in the same area and able to get together often. I grew up with long distance relatives and really never knew them outside of a yearly visit.

To me, it seems selfish of the OP to expect an unmarried daughter to assume the caregiver role. Just because there is no husband involved, I would imagine the daughter has her own life, interests, and responsibilities. If Op moves, I would hope she would make some arrangements for future care should she need it.
I feel exactly this way. When retirement time comes, I would love to be close to my son but . . will have long term plans in place for assisted living.

I do NOT want him taking care of me at all. Well, maybe helping me move into AL when I need it.

I say this as the only child of parents who were in their forties when I was born.

I see my Mom's sister running my cousin RAGGED; while cousin tries to work full time and be everything to her mother. Her only friend, chauffer; nurse, cook - I do not want to put my son in that position if I can help it.
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Old 12-20-2015, 04:13 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,547 posts, read 17,553,017 times
Reputation: 16777
My son recently moved out of California since he found a job which paid enough to live off of. Nearly two years of looking there had yeilded nothing. If I'd decided to somehow stick it out in over expensive California to be near him, I still wouldn't have been near for long. And if his current job ends, he and his wife may move again.

Many of us in near or early retirement age have kids just getting into adult life. Fact is today even if they want to stay where they've lived, they might not get to. Their responsibility will be to spouses and children and supporting the family. It seems selfish to assume that your kids should interupt their lives to stay near mom and dad. Especially with kids, they deserve to have a good adult life. If you want to stay near, fine, but don't expect to them to be caretakers.

I had the chance to move where its cheaper to live and took it. I couldn't afford California. Where I live has a system whereby the aged can stay at home and have home visits. And I have a bedroom where if someone needed to be here, there's space. The cost of living is low. It may not be for everyone, but is good for me. And my son and his wife love where they moved. All the grand children in the family (husband's) are scattering as they move on to their adult life.

If you move to be close to the kids, fine, and its nice to be near sometimes. But they likely are busy with their lives too, and shouldn't be expected to care for you and if they're busy, be visiting as much as you might wish. And you should LIKE the area for yourself too, since you'll not be happy there if you don't, if your kids stay or not.

I want my son and his family to have a good life and a successful one and take great care of their kids. I would like to be a closer part of their life, but don't want to keep moving to do it. And its important to look at my best options when the opportunities are there to take them.

Once upon a time, young people moved away and left family truely behind but now we're lucky that we can sit and talk across vast distances.
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Old 12-20-2015, 04:16 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,744,100 times
Reputation: 32304
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom View Post
I stayed in the city my parents live in so that I could help them when they needed it. The time came a lot sooner than I had anticipated and the care that my mother expected was a lot more than I had really planned on. I had imagined helping with heavy household chores or taking them to appointments when they got too old to drive. My dad got Alzheimer's early and my mom was still working full time. She wanted me to watch my dad full time while she worked and she wanted my husband to pick up my dad from her work and drop him off, which was 80 miles a day (20 miles each way, twice a day) in traffic. She wanted this because she didn't want to spend $50/day for care at a facility three miles from her house. I still have young kids at home and my dad has turned into a person who is not very safe around kids...when he was here all the time, he didn't recognize my oldest daughter anymore and thought it was okay to make sexual comments to her. I only managed a month of taking care of my dad full-time. Then I took care of them both for a month when my mom got sick, and I ended up so ill I had to have a couple of transfusions. Now, my mom wants me to watch him so she can have a break sometimes, but he pees everywhere, like in cupboards or the stove or on furniture, and he cusses out my kids and chases them around the house with his fists raised. He hasn't hit anyone yet but that time is coming. We manage a little better at her house but I get sick every time I go to her house (allergic to her cats) and I hurt my back and my foot trying to hold onto my dad when my mom insisted we all go to the store together and he wanted to run away in the parking lot. We've insisted that my mom hire some help, but she says they all charge too much for too little, and she won't even consider a memory care facility for my dad because she doesn't want to pay for it.

I wish I had moved out of town like my sisters did so that the stress and chaos of visiting with my parents would be limited to once every few months instead of several times a week. I love my parents but I know something bad is going to happen every single time they come over, and that's hard to look forward to. My mom has also decided she's afraid to be around my husband because he'll tell them to go home when things get too far out of control, so he's taking extra shifts at work so she can come over on holidays, because otherwise she lets my dad out to roam their neighborhood, which isn't safe.

So my advice is to pick somewhere you'd like to live when you retire and to invest in long term care policies for you and your spouse. You don't know what's going to happen as you get older and it's not fair to assume your daughter will provide all the care that you may need. She deserves a life of her own.

If you do decide to live near her, what about a community for active seniors, with an option for more care later on as you might need it?
Why, oh why, are you letting your mother call the shots? That just blows my mind. There's some old saying that other people cannot take advantage of you without your own connivance.
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Old 12-20-2015, 04:37 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,547 posts, read 17,553,017 times
Reputation: 16777
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
You mention walking to get groceries....better to live where grocery delivery is available rather than trying to walk to get groceries. Grocery delivery services are popping up all over....it's a trend. Although, I think walking to get groceries with one of those wire carts that one pulls is good. I've done it many times and in many places where I've lived. I've also used a large backpack.

Although living in a walking environment is always good for lots of reasons.
I don't know which major stores deliver, but don't be surprised if they'll add that to their choices. Walmart delivers anything but fresh stuff, and milk. I'm finding that I save money by ordering all the staples. I enter what I need, check the total and know how much it is before I buy, and can edit out if needed. In the store there are all those tempting little things ready to be added as you walk by them.

I can make a trip to the store for milk and vegies and order most of the rest and the non food stuff online with delivery. This can be very useful when its raining, cold or really hot too. I've found there are sizes and 'value' pricing of these available online which are not in the store too. I have a meat market I get all my meat from in easy walking distance. After his stuff, I don't want the stuff from the store.

If there was a store in walking distance, I could manage with a back pack getting the stuff that I can't order, except for milk (which I buy from Brahms).

Amazon also has a lot of stuff with good prices and many more options than the usual store. I'm finding that I am saving steadily with Prime as well. I probably will add Walmart's version too. Shopping is becoming a choice of methods even more than before.
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Old 12-20-2015, 04:54 PM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,821 posts, read 18,799,032 times
Reputation: 24495
I'm going to be happy wherever I move to in florida . I just want to live close to my kids and don't mean for it to sound like I'm going to depend on them I want to have access to my grandkids if I would like to see them , I want to be close to my daughter and her daughters that is all I was saying .
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Old 12-20-2015, 04:56 PM
 
Location: On the plateau, TN
15,205 posts, read 10,602,298 times
Reputation: 9984
Different thoughts here..... You have to do what's comfortable for you and your children...


How many of you moved closer to your kids and grandkids after retirement ?
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Old 12-20-2015, 05:32 PM
 
1,614 posts, read 1,218,561 times
Reputation: 2646
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom View Post
I stayed in the city my parents live in so that I could help them when they needed it. The time came a lot sooner than I had anticipated and the care that my mother expected was a lot more than I had really planned on. I had imagined helping with heavy household chores or taking them to appointments when they got too old to drive. My dad got Alzheimer's early and my mom was still working full time. She wanted me to watch my dad full time while she worked and she wanted my husband to pick up my dad from her work and drop him off, which was 80 miles a day (20 miles each way, twice a day) in traffic. She wanted this because she didn't want to spend $50/day for care at a facility three miles from her house. I still have young kids at home and my dad has turned into a person who is not very safe around kids...when he was here all the time, he didn't recognize my oldest daughter anymore and thought it was okay to make sexual comments to her. I only managed a month of taking care of my dad full-time. Then I took care of them both for a month when my mom got sick, and I ended up so ill I had to have a couple of transfusions. Now, my mom wants me to watch him so she can have a break sometimes, but he pees everywhere, like in cupboards or the stove or on furniture, and he cusses out my kids and chases them around the house with his fists raised. He hasn't hit anyone yet but that time is coming. We manage a little better at her house but I get sick every time I go to her house (allergic to her cats) and I hurt my back and my foot trying to hold onto my dad when my mom insisted we all go to the store together and he wanted to run away in the parking lot. We've insisted that my mom hire some help, but she says they all charge too much for too little, and she won't even consider a memory care facility for my dad because she doesn't want to pay for it.

I wish I had moved out of town like my sisters did so that the stress and chaos of visiting with my parents would be limited to once every few months instead of several times a week. I love my parents but I know something bad is going to happen every single time they come over, and that's hard to look forward to. My mom has also decided she's afraid to be around my husband because he'll tell them to go home when things get too far out of control, so he's taking extra shifts at work so she can come over on holidays, because otherwise she lets my dad out to roam their neighborhood, which isn't safe.

So my advice is to pick somewhere you'd like to live when you retire and to invest in long term care policies for you and your spouse. You don't know what's going to happen as you get older and it's not fair to assume your daughter will provide all the care that you may need. She deserves a life of her own.

If you do decide to live near her, what about a community for active seniors, with an option for more care later on as you might need it?
Your mother is using you and your family inappropriately. He is her responsibility not yours. You have your own family to raise and you could drive your husband away with the nonsense. Tell your mother sorry but she needs to get help from the Alzheimer's association. You need to get a hold of counsel for the aging and they can assist you with information. Your father very easily could become unable to control and you or the children could get hurt in the process. Your mother is shirking her responsibility and laid it at your feet. Stop it now,you've done all you can and no one will think less of you. Your parents have lived their lives now you live yours. There's help to be had you just need to research it and see where help can be found. Keep us informed.
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