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Old 12-20-2015, 05:59 PM
Location: Dallas
5,601 posts, read 4,937,921 times
Reputation: 16459


Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
I'm looking at active senior places as well as condos . I think folks should have a plan . I'm not depending on my daughter to care for me in that way , I'm selfish cause I want to be by my daughter ? wow just wow .
"will most likely buy a condo close to shopping and close to my daughter so that she can help us"

If I misunderstood your meaning, I apologize, but from your comment it sounded like you wanted to be close to your daughter so she could help you. You didn't say anything about wanting to spend time with her and your grandchildren.

The decision is yours to make no matter what CD members think of it. Just go into it with your eyes open. Your daughter may not be able to help you in 10 years - illness, injury or life changes may not make that possible. If you want to move close so you can see each other more often, be more of a part of their lives, that's entirely understandable.
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Old 12-20-2015, 10:05 PM
Location: Somewhere in America
12,304 posts, read 10,771,871 times
Reputation: 20540
Don't expect them to spend a ton of time with you. They have lives and are busy. Sure they'll visit periodically, but don't think it will be every few days or even every week. I see people do this and then they're devastated that it's not working out.

Instead of planning on your daughter taking care of you, you should save up for the medical care you may need. It's not fair or right to burden one person with 2 children to take care of 2 elderly people. Elderly people who may have serious medical or mobility issues. Is your daughter supposed to give up her job and time with her children to take care of you? What if she has medical issues? What if she has an accident and is paralyzed or worse? Things happen every day.

Last edited by ss20ts; 12-20-2015 at 10:20 PM..
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Old 12-21-2015, 02:09 AM
10,101 posts, read 6,324,391 times
Reputation: 8423
"I have been told that moving close to your kids in retirement is not a good idea"

Really, that's odd. If you didn't get along, it would be a bad idea. However, if you are a close knit family and everyone agrees, it would be a good idea. I'd be worried sick if my aging parents lived clear across the country.
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Old 12-21-2015, 02:18 AM
6,353 posts, read 5,163,159 times
Reputation: 8527
With my encouragement, my parents moved close (30 min) to me a few years after retiring. At first it was slightly annoying - they were too close and "helped" raise the kids by giving "advice."

After not too many years, however, they needed a significant amount of help and then they were too far away. We even looked into moving them into an apartment in our town, within walking distance, but it was too expensive.
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Old 12-21-2015, 05:39 AM
Location: Austin, TX
20 posts, read 13,274 times
Reputation: 42
My parents had LTC insurance, but I still ended up taking care of both of them while single-parenting a special needs child and holding down a demanding full-time job. For 8 years I lost any semblance of a social life and nearly 0 personal time except for the time I took out of the house to train for endurance running. I had help from a paid caregiver during the day, however my mother had Alzheimers and she did not do well with a stranger helping her. In the end, I had to put her into a memory care facility where she spent the last 3 months of her life. Those were probably the worst 3 months of my life. I was by her bed reading her her favorite book when she passed. If I could get an 8 year do over the only thing I would change is those last 3 months. She would have spent those in her home.

After she passed I had a 2 year run of freedom. Rebuilding social connections, dating, etc...Now my father is very I'll again and will be moving with us when we go to Austin, because I don't want him to be alone. These are my parents. They sacrificed many things for their children. I have a very hard time understanding why people think caring for family is a selfish thing to expect.

But yes...plan for the worst and get LTC insurance. Having the option to employ an extra pair of hands to help your children if they do end up in a caregiving role is the right thing to do, in addition to ensuring you have care if your children cannot help.

As for moving close to your grown children, in general, I had and have a great relationship with my parents and having them close by to enjoy their grandchild and family time was wonderful. Do make sure it's either a place you would be happy to live without them there or be prepared to move again. I never thought I would leave DC, but here I am preparing to move to Austin. Life is just full of the unexpected.
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Old 12-21-2015, 06:41 AM
Location: Ft. Myers
17,628 posts, read 11,185,645 times
Reputation: 37672
Originally Posted by Mircea View Post
You were told that by people who have very poor or toxic relationships with their children.

If the shoe fits....

On the other hand, if you have a normal relationship with your children, you can move where ever you want.

Bingo ! It all depends on how close you are to your kids. For example, my two Sons and I are best friends and either see or talk to each other every day. The 3 of us would never want to be very far from the others, but some families don't have that kind of tight relationship.

Don't let other people decide your future, only you and your kids know what is right for you.

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Old 12-21-2015, 06:53 AM
71,651 posts, read 71,777,271 times
Reputation: 49241
we couldn't think of being in a location where we couldn't see the kids and grand kids at least every other week . it would never be our choice to be away from them . both our parents moved to florida and were basically out of our daily lives and their grand children s until the day they died .
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Old 12-21-2015, 06:54 AM
Location: Chicago, IL
546 posts, read 632,425 times
Reputation: 856
Originally Posted by sfcambridge View Post
As someone who moved away from my birthplace for school/career/preferred location, and who had to move back to care for my parents when they became sick/disabled, I think it is amazing and wonderful that you are thinking ahead about these things.
Same here!

I understand it's a gamble (for OP) but for a conscientious adult child of a certain prone-to-worry temperament (me), it's a very emotionally wearing situation to be far away from parents who are sick/disabled/dying. Being nearby carries its own set of problems, but I prefer these problems to the long-distance worry. So, if you (OP) can do your best to solve that part by being the ones who make the move while it's easy(er) for you, I really commend you. (My parents would never have considered it, and it has caused a great deal of upheaval.)

I understand those who are saying you should not depend on your daughter or burden her too much, but certain adult children will feel a conscientious obligation no matter what, and it's just a whole lot easier if everyone's within, say, 25-50 miles of each other.

(Yes, my parents had LTC insurance and yes, they use(d) it. Still.)
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Old 12-21-2015, 10:45 AM
Location: VT; previously MD & NJ
2,206 posts, read 1,349,228 times
Reputation: 6344
I retired 5 years ago. I moved to be near my son and his family 1.5 years ago. Would have done it sooner except during that time he started looking for a new job in a different state. So after he found his dream job in his dream location, I moved too.

My reasons were that I had no real friends or social network to keep me in my previous location (work friends are not real friends). My biggest worry was that I had no one to call in an emergency. I am not looking for him and family to BE my social life. And I don't expect them to provide care if/when I need it (but as someone else mentioned, maybe help me find help or assisted living when the time comes). It was the fear of nobody to call if something happened.

I am and always have been very independent. I am not married. He is my only child. I raised him as a single parent. So here I am in VT; he is across the river in NH. It's the most beautiful place I have ever lived. I'm willing to put up with the cold and snow and long winters because I now have the comfort of knowing that someone who cares is nearby. And there is the added benefit of spending time with the grands after many years of living apart from them.

If he moves and I have to move again, then so be it. Moving is hard but not impossible.
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Old 12-21-2015, 10:49 AM
Location: On the road
2,669 posts, read 1,981,092 times
Reputation: 2911
Well, depends. If they have young children of their own, you may not want to be close enough to be a convenient baby-sitter, but close enough to be able to visit and do things with the grandkids on a regular basis.
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