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Old 12-21-2015, 06:39 PM
 
5,128 posts, read 5,851,656 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
I have been told that moving closer to your kids in retirement is not good. we are about 10 yrs away from retirement and we are thinking about moving closer to my daughter. I know when we sell this house we will get a good profit and will most likely buy a condo close to shopping and close to my daughter so that she can help us, should we need it and she has already offered as such since she does not plan on leaving where she is at ever. But some folks are telling me that this is a bad idea, they think you should not rely on anyone for help in retirement. Do any of you feel the same way? my daughter is not married and does not plan on marrying at her age. But she does have two daughters. I do plan on moving close to shopping so that one of us can walk in case we are no longer able to drive. My grandmother used to stress having a plan for the future and 10 yrs will pass before you know it. I'm just wondering if anyone else feels moving close to their kids and grand kids in retirement is a bad idea?
Who are these people and why are they so certain their aging bodies won't ever require assistance?

It must be great to be immortal.
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Old 12-21-2015, 06:47 PM
 
5,128 posts, read 5,851,656 times
Reputation: 8396
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallysmom View Post

Phonelady -- pure and simple, if I had listened to all those people who say things like they are rules.... I wouldn't have my home, I would be divorced, I'd be poor and I'd be miserable.

Yeah -- my opinion is this -- stop listening to people!

Honestly -- so many of these mantras are just noise.
Amen.

She wants the security of being near her daughter and her daughter wants her there. Who cares what anyone else thinks?

It used to be a normal and expected situation to care for aging parents, and still is in most parts of the world.
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Old 12-21-2015, 08:05 PM
 
11,941 posts, read 20,407,803 times
Reputation: 19339
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shooting Stars View Post
Amen.

She wants the security of being near her daughter and her daughter wants her there. Who cares what anyone else thinks?

It used to be a normal and expected situation to care for aging parents, and still is in most parts of the world.
I'm moving back home when I retire, and I'm going to be near family. My family is warm and wonderful, but not smothering.
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Old 12-21-2015, 08:44 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,934 posts, read 14,414,141 times
Reputation: 30913
I've posted about our move many times. We moved to be close to two of our adult children and grands. We have never regretted doing so. In my view, we needed to be close in case we were to need their help, and vice versa. The vice versa is actually coming true. We pick up our grand at school once a week.

I wouldn't take anything for these years of closeness with my grands. I know as they age, they will lose interest in us, but now they are always delighted to see us.

I do think people's experiences will vary. If you move close to daughter, you need to understand that she has a social life apart from you. You will have to develop a social life apart from her. You can see her much more often, but you can't depend on her for entertainment or social stimulation. You have to provide those things for yourself.
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Old 12-21-2015, 09:30 PM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,328 posts, read 4,172,231 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
If you move close to daughter, you need to understand that she has a social life apart from you. You will have to develop a social life apart from her. You can see her much more often, but you can't depend on her for entertainment or social stimulation. You have to provide those things for yourself.
The OP also needs to understand that no one can truly plan for events that are 10+ years in the future. Knock on wood it won't happen, but her daughter could be DEAD 10 years from now!

Move to Florida because it's where you want to be now, and because you'd like to be closer to your daughter now. Don't count on Florida being the perfect spot a decade from now, because by then it might not be. Stay flexible, and adapt as things happen.
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Old 12-21-2015, 09:49 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,304 posts, read 10,780,142 times
Reputation: 20540
Quote:
Originally Posted by ansible90 View Post
That sounds a bit strange to me. You want for yourself what you won't give to your own parents (and your own kids relationship to their grandparents). Remember that your kids and grandkids will see your attitude towards your own parents, and they will think that is normal. They may not want to live near you! Then what?

Even if your relationship with your parents is strained (for whatever reason), don't you think your own kids deserve to know their grandparents?
Nope. My mother is extremely abusive - physically, verbally, and mentally. When my husband and I got married, I said I would NEVER leave children alone with her. I won't even leave her alone with my pets! Some people just shouldn't be around children especially ones who repeatedly say how much they hate children. Everyone's family is not all roses and rainbows.
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Old 12-21-2015, 09:57 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,130 posts, read 23,010,120 times
Reputation: 35348
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
we are thinking about moving closer to my daughter . I know when we sell this house we will get a good profit and will most likely buy a condo close to shopping and close to my daughter so that she can help us
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
I'm looking at active senior places as well as condos . I think folks should have a plan . I'm not depending on my daughter to care for me in that way , I'm selfish cause I want to be by my daughter ? wow just wow .
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
I'm going to be happy wherever I move to in florida . I just want to live close to my kids and don't mean for it to sound like I'm going to depend on them I want to have access to my grandkids if I would like to see them , I want to be close to my daughter and her daughters that is all I was saying .
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
no don't have just one child , I have 5 kids that live down there but they are 2 hrs away from each other and 2 of em live in a exspensive area and the other one lives in a not so exspensive area .


Well, my first thought was that it wasn't fair of you to move closer to your daughter just so she could take care of you.

Then you shared that you have 5 kids. But, they live in expensive areas or not-so-nice areas.

But, I had to then wonder, why did you choose that particular daughter to have the responsibility to take care of you? Out of 5 kids.

Sounds like my family. I was the oldest of four kids, and yep, I would have been the chosen one. I said no way. Nobody else has stepped up to the plate.

Is this daughter the oldest? Why did you choose her to take care of you out of your 5 kids?

This is completely unfair. Pretend you are that one kid out of 5 kids. Why do the other siblings get out of this responsibility? Especially the ones who are better off financially?

I think you should think of this as punishing this daughter. You are making justifications for the other 4 kids. That's completely unfair. They should all be equally responsible for your care in your old age - or none of them should be responsible.

Perhaps she's the only one susceptible to guilt? The family has somehow convinced her that her needs are less important? Because she doesn't have a husband, or because of her income, or where she lives?

That's all utter BS. I hope you can see that and process it and do the right thing.
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Old 12-22-2015, 05:05 AM
 
4,447 posts, read 2,621,737 times
Reputation: 10380
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
I have been told that moving closer to your kids in retirement is not good . we are about 10 yrs away from retirement and we are thinking about moving closer to my daughter . I know when we sell this house we will get a good profit and will most likely buy a condo close to shopping and close to my daughter so that she can help us , should we need it and she has already offered as such since she does not plan on leaving where she is at ever . But some folks are telling me that this is a bad idea , they think you should not rely on anyone for help in retirement . Do any of you feel the same way ? my daughter is not married and does not plan on marrying at her age . But she does have two daughters . I do plan on moving close to shopping so that one of us can walk in case we are no longer able to drive . My grandmother used to stress having a plan for the future and 10 yrs will pass before you know it . I'm just wondering if anyone else feels moving close to their kids and grandkids in retirement is a bad idea ?
Never move to be near someone and assume they will be able to "help you"! They will be busy with their own lives, and may not have the time to "help you"!

I know a relative has moved 6 times in the last 16 years to be closer to her kids. In one case she saw less of the kid than when she lived far away. SHe still has 2 houses yet to sell in areas she moved to, and finally moved back to where she started.

A neighbor of ours moved once to the south to be near a child, then to the north of us to be near a grandson, then south again to be near her granddaughter. SHe thought of returning to our are and visited us, but within a year, she fell ill, was hospitalized, stopped eating and gave up on life and died. NONE of her moves helped her out and she never learned to or dared to learn how to drive, so she relied on rides everywhere. Her kids/grandkids didn't really have time to work and shuttle her around.

Both my spouse and I moved back here to where we were raised {before we got married}. Both our mothers have passed, and our widowed fathers are aging fast. We ARE staying here to be close, but my father said "don't stay here on account of me if you want to go elsewhere". I have taken my father to the hospital a couple of times and visited him there, and have taken my FIL several times to the hospital and visited HIM there often as well. We were fortunate to be near when our mothers passed.
We feel it is best to stay here for now, as we have some time before retirement,and will still look after the fathers. BUT: we don't HAVE to.It IS our CHOICE.

We have no children so we won't be moving near any, needless to say, but will choose a retirement palce when appropriate. WE dO, however, have an adopted niece and nephew. WE don not expect to move near them nor they us though they are our heirs and when we seriously need them, will not hesitate to call on them, but will not make their lives ours. They are, for now, in the area. We would not think of imposing upon them if we can manage without them!

It will ultimately be YOUR choice, but have NO expectations!

Best of luck to you.
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Old 12-22-2015, 06:14 AM
 
Location: Over yonder a piece
3,912 posts, read 4,655,814 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ansible90 View Post
That sounds a bit strange to me. You want for yourself what you won't give to your own parents (and your own kids relationship to their grandparents). Remember that your kids and grandkids will see your attitude towards your own parents, and they will think that is normal. They may not want to live near you! Then what?

Even if your relationship with your parents is strained (for whatever reason), don't you think your own kids deserve to know their grandparents?
My kids have no idea that my relationship with my parents is strained - I make sure to keep it light and civil in front of them, and any conversations my husband and I have about my parents is done strictly away from the kids so that I *don't* affect their relationships. I've NEVER had a good relationship with my parents - even from childhood. However, I have a really good relationship with my kids (at the moment) because I've tried to do the exact opposite of my own upbringing.

My kids do see my parents - we make the obligatory trips to visit them a couple times a year (since they won't drive to see us), and then my kids go visit them for a long extended periods during their summer break. In many ways they see their grandparents more than I saw my own grandparents when I was growing up since I grew up in a military family and we moved every 2-4 years.

Lastly, I was close to my grandmother because we just had an instant connection that lasted for 40+ years until her death. Even when I lived in other countries and on the west coast - we would come together and it would be like we had never been apart.
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Old 12-22-2015, 06:48 AM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,745 posts, read 4,222,137 times
Reputation: 6866
Hmm. A lot of negative comments from folks who apparently have either no children or poor relationships with their kids.

Last Christmas, my son fixed my smoke alarm and my DIL "fixed" my computer. I have not yet changed the time on my kitchen clock because I'd rather wait and have one of my sons reach up and change it during their Christmas visit. Every holiday, the oldest (and tallest) son cleans the outdoor dryer vent. One year the youngest helped me haul stuff to the dump. Not surprisingly, they LIKE to help their mother as it requires little effort, makes them feel good and it is the "right thing to do". I also taught them to give up their bus seats for little old ladies and pregnant women, etc. Call me a Nazi, I don't care.

As pointed out in another post, it is much easier to care for a parent when the parent lives closer to her children. This doesn't mean the child is expected to provide hands-on care for the parent. For example, I plan on living near one of my kids so when the time comes for LTC, the children will not have the stress of moving me to a facility near one of them. If the child moves, I will also move. But if my condition is such that I can't move, oh, well. I will have to live with the hand I am dealt. Such is life.

OP, one day either you or your husband will be gone. If the two of you enjoy your daughter's company and can set and follow boundaries, plan on giving it a try but have a backup plan as well.
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