Is the term widow outdated? (55, gay, spouses, friendly)

[Coronaria]

I was legally separated, but not yet divorced, when my "former" died. It had not been an amicable process and as far as I was concerned I couldn't wait to put that part of my life behind me (or at least as much as one can, when there are offspring.) But in legal terms I am a widow; certainly that's how Social Security sees things, which literally saved me financially. (I have no idea whether I'd have gotten the full survivor's benefit if we'd already been divorced when he died.)

However, when filling out any sort of paperwork I always designate myself as single because in emotional terms that's what I am. I want no connection to my former married life, and even went so far as to legally resume my maiden name (which I did not originally want to change when I married but stupidly succumbed to pressure from him and his family, which should have been a red flag even then for me, lol) as soon as all the probate mumbo-jumbo was done with.

On whatever occasions I need to refer to my childrens' father, I call him the "late ex" which could be interpreted variously as deceased ex-husband, deceased ex-boyfriend/partner, or deceased ex-whatever. Certainly doesn't matter at this point. :-)

[TheShadow]

^^^That sounds appropriate to me. Legally you were still married when he died, so technically you were a widow, especially as far as SS was concerned, but emotionally you were separated from him. So, single seems appropriate for you.

[NWGirl74]

Originally Posted by reneeh63

Use whatever you feel best describes you. I'll bet many use widowed at first and perhaps more switch to single later, especially if widowed at an early age?

Originally Posted by LibraGirl123

Good point. I've been widowed since I was 37...and sure did hate that word back then. After so many years, I now consider myself more "single" than "widowed", especially once I was widowed more years than I had been married.

However, I don't understand this "outdated" business. To the original poster, refer to yourself however you like. 'Nuff said.

I was widowed at 34 and realized I identified more as single when I was 39. I will hit the point of being widowed longer than we were together in March and at this point, there is a part of me that feels that part of my life happened to someone else.

I'm pretty sure those in my young widow/ers group would not find the term outdated!

Originally Posted by TheShadow

I find it kind of odd when a divorced person calls themselves a widow or widower after their ex dies. If they aren't your spouse when they die, I don't think you're a widow or widower. Seems sort of like they are going for sympathy or to upgrade their status somehow. I don't know why, just bugs me.

I've always found that to be a bit weird too, but the one that really bothers me is when someone refers to LH as my "ex." Um, no. I'm pretty sure he didn't wake up one day and tell me we were through and he was leaving.

[thinkalot]

Maybe it is. I never thought about it before I read this thread but the women I know whose husband have died never refer to themselves as a widow.

[Disgustedman]

Originally Posted by Holly-Kay

Exactly! I was widowed at forty one with three children to raise. I may have been single but I was also a widow.

OP, I can't imagine anyone telling you that widow is outdated, that is truly moronic.

Oh wow.....Mom was...41 also when Dad died.....three kids also...OK, for bonus points, she had girl, boy, girl...you?

[adams_aj]

divorced by reason of death?

[Mircea]

Originally Posted by stormynh

I was told using the term widow was outdated?

Yes, the term is offensive to the arachnid population.

Originally Posted by stormynh

Is this true and if this is true what am I???

You are whatever your local Liberal think tank cooks up for a Politically Correct term that is not offensive.

Perhaps you are "Consortium Deprived," or "Partner Deprived" or some Orwellian-thing.

[matisse12]

OP, whoever told you the term widow is outdated is most probably thinking that you need not define yourself by your former relationship to a man, but rather you are a person in your own right needing no definition dependent upon your former relationship to a man.

[stormynh]

Thanks. I was fairly young and since we were going through some rough times there are a select few people that think his unexpected passing was no big deal. It was a huge deal to me and I feel so sad that he had to die since he was not in a good place.

[sheena12]

Originally Posted by stormynh

I was told using the term widow was outdated? Is this true and if this is true what am I??? I know I am single, but, for some weird reason I hate to invalidate my entire marriage as if it never existed

Kind of. It is used less than when I was a child. It falls into the same category as "divorcee" "widower" (which was never as popular) and "childless".

Defining yourself of another by what they lost or don't have.

I hear more people say "My husband died a few years ago" than "I am a widow". Or "We don't have children" rather than we are childless, or Joan is divorced or I am divorced than "I'm a divorcee".

It's not a PC thing. Or a political thing. It's just slowly falling out of favor, it seems.
Just as calling someone "The Widow Smith" as they did in Victorian times, has fallen out of favor.

If you want to be referred to as a "widow", that's your prerogative, though.

And, I am sorry for your loss.