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Old 01-08-2016, 03:04 PM
 
Location: Eastern Tennessee
2,533 posts, read 1,825,288 times
Reputation: 6630

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Quote:
Originally Posted by meo92953 View Post
No more snow, you sound so biter. Here is a great big hug for you.
She doesn't sound bitter to me and I agree with every word in her post. I have observed that people do tend to stay in abusive relationships and that people who try to help wind up getting treated poorly. I had a patient who married the same man 3 times and every time he beat her black and blue numerous times.
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Old 01-08-2016, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,088 posts, read 22,943,598 times
Reputation: 35212
I'm not bitter, I'm factual.

The facts and statistics are real. Women (or men) who are in abusive relationships, will not get out of them because you bring awareness of the fact to them, that they are in an abusive relationship.

People don't accidentally fall into abusive relationships. They come from abusive families usually, etc.

I'm not judging why they are the way they are. But, the reality is, that if someone tries to convince a person who is in an abusive relationship, that they should leave it, and then expect them to just say, "Oh shucks you're right, I'll leave tomorrow," is dreaming.

I'm from a childhood home that was violent, and I vowed never to get into a physically violent relationship, and I achieved that goal. But, I've known lots of women (and there are men out there, too) who fell into the abyss.

I've tried to help them, and have learned you can't. And they will pull you into their drama.

I will say, that it was hard for me to feel comfortable in a calm environment with a boyfriend/husband after growing up in a violent home. You keep waiting for the storm. But, I vowed not to have a violent home, and I achieved that goal.

What I'm saying is that I understand this topic inside and out. And I know that a victim can walk away. If he/she chooses not to, I am sorry for them. But I would never enmesh myself in their problems. It's toxic and you have no control over it.

Kind of like the serenity prayer which I really love, even though I'm agnostic.

God (or whatever), grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Just because you realize you can't change someone's abusive life, doesn't make you evil because you turn them over to a higher power.

In a way I think that's what the scripture regarding pearls before swine refers to. You can talk until you're blue in the face, but you can't make someone accept reality - or a different perspective.

You can't force a grown woman in America to admit her lover is abusive, press charges, leave him forever, etc.

But, I can guarantee you, that if you stick around very long, the "victim" will bring her misery into your life.

Which is another wise old saying - "misery loves company." This is the perfect example of what that means. People who are miserable want participants in their drama. They will suck you in, and before you know it, you are a participant in their misery, and therefore, become miserable yourself.

People who are good at heart find it really hard to let them go. But, you have the right to your own peace and happiness. You have to learn when to let them go, or put your own peace and happiness at risk. It's much more likely they will bring you down than that you will bring them up. I wish that wasn't true, but it is.
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Old 01-08-2016, 09:22 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,732,288 times
Reputation: 32304
^^^^^ NoMoreSnow, what a superbly well written and well thought out post, especially powerful because it comes from your own life-long experience.

I think one thing you illustrated is the tendency of many people to re-create the misery of their childhoods because deep down that is what they know and that is what they're comfortable with. This is true even though those same people will tell you how unsatisfactory their childhoods were; they often harbor deep resentment of a parent, both parents, or perhaps an older sibling yet fail to see how similar they are.

You are one of the exceptions, as you had such a strong desire to avoid the pattern and you had a strong awareness that tragically eludes many others.

I posted upthread about a male cousin. While he has never married and so is not an abusive husband, he has repeated the family dysfunctionality with money; he has great hatred for his now deceased father but fails to see how similar he is to his father. Deep down of course, I believe his hatred of his father is rooted in the unconscious awareness of that very similarity.
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Old 01-08-2016, 10:09 PM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,969 posts, read 3,455,934 times
Reputation: 10489
You are eloquent in your writing NoMoreSnow. I had to really think about the why's of my singleness & it was partly because of my second husband. In front of people he was the caring, devoted husband. In private he was mentally abusive. Never physically, but emotionally he tore me up. I finally moved a few thousand miles away & broke the cycle. But I didn't put it together with my wanting to help the young woman until this discussion.

All of you have really helped me make some decisions. Thank you.
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Old 01-08-2016, 10:18 PM
 
718 posts, read 603,354 times
Reputation: 1052
Quote:
Originally Posted by meo92953 View Post
I do pray & actually had a dream which woke me up about what could happen. (Thanks everyone).

I know I can't fix everyone's problems & I think the best thing to do is just keep in touch & let her know I'm there if she needs me. In the meantime I'll just keep being a friend.
And you're probably a great one Meo!
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Old 01-09-2016, 08:57 AM
 
Location: middle tennessee
1,924 posts, read 988,551 times
Reputation: 6931
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kay Effzee View Post
And you're probably a great one Meo!


I think so too. If you come to my part of Tennessee, you can look me over. I would be happy to meet you.
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Old 01-09-2016, 09:10 AM
 
Location: Great State of Texas
86,093 posts, read 72,489,649 times
Reputation: 27565
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post

God (or whatever), grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Words to live by.
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Old 01-09-2016, 10:18 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,856 posts, read 14,364,134 times
Reputation: 30722
Quote:
Originally Posted by meo92953 View Post
I do pray & actually had a dream which woke me up about what could happen. (Thanks everyone).

I know I can't fix everyone's problems & I think the best thing to do is just keep in touch & let her know I'm there if she needs me. In the meantime I'll just keep being a friend.
Yes.
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Old 01-12-2016, 12:18 PM
 
Location: NY>FL>VA>NC>IN
2,524 posts, read 995,329 times
Reputation: 5344
I have sympathy aplenty for those whose problems are not caused by their own doing/are unable to extricate themselves from the problems
Ex: cancer or other debilitating illness victims, children, animals, elderly.

Healthy adults whose lives are a mess *raising hand* do not deserve help, if the mess if a result of their own poor choices.

I have a horrible life as a result of MY OWN POOR DECISIONS therefore I ask NO ONE for help nor want any.
Whining victims **** me off.

Meo, this lady is more than likely going to return to the abuser. I'd bet money on it.

What one tolerates, one deserves.
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Old 01-12-2016, 12:53 PM
 
Location: Connecticut is my adopted home.
2,276 posts, read 3,078,357 times
Reputation: 7017
NoMoreSnow,

We are sisters of other parents. Like you I swore I'd rather eat from a dumpster, live in the mountains herding goats and eating wild berries than live in a household of my own making without love and respect among it's members.

Anecdote: I went to Europe in 2010 and in Salzburg (love) our small party was eating in a local restaurant and an American (possibly Canadian) family were seated at the table next to us. There were two children, boy and girl, aged roughy 5ish and 8ish. I thought, "Who brings kids this age to Europe?" but in observing them, they were respectful, each taking his/her turn speaking children and parents, each listening to what the other was saying with attentive respect, no one dominating the conversation. These children I'm sure saw Europe through relatively mature and unclouded eyes. I thought OMG! this is what family is supposed to look like. The veil was drawn back on many things during those 3 weeks and it was in many ways a life changing trip.

Like Snow I rescued myself, ditched an early neglectful and mildly abusive marriage (with a little help from my friends and professional counseling) and I got it right the second time. I thought that I could help a few friends caught up in bad relationships but as it turned out, not so much. The tendency is the other way around, getting potentially caught up in the horror of it. The details of their lives, so much like my earlier one, stole my peace and upset my equilibrium.

I might lend a hand up to someone that is struggling, having fully and completely left an abusive relationship behind but getting involved with someone still involved in one as a private individual with no particular qualifications is just bad news. Good on you Meo for thinking kindly and better that you are thinking soundly on this issue.
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