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Old 01-16-2016, 10:42 PM
Location: Gulf Coast
1,164 posts, read 651,494 times
Reputation: 2259


We switched to 2 beds about 3 years ago. He has joint issues and uses a row of pillows to prop up leg to be comfortable. He sleeps so light he'd hear when I came in and got in bed and wake. He needs absolute quiet and NO light. I go to bed about 4 hours after him and I need a night light because otherwise I have nightmares from things like moonlight or the little green light on the smoke detector looking like monsters. With the little night light if I open my eyes, everything in the room makes sense and I don't panic.

I seem to be the only one who has kids this affects. They are mortified, especially one DD. She had a relative in-law stay with us once and was so embarrassed, wouldn't let me pull open the couch hide-a-bed, in case the relative would figure it out. I always vacate the room and let it go back to a guest room when family comes.

Tonight DH and I talked about our sleep issues and discussed a bigger (King) bed if that would work for us. But the light and sound issues (I fall asleep with tv on) are such that we decided we're better off this way. What do I do about my family issues?
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Old 01-17-2016, 02:07 AM
Location: San Antonio
7,629 posts, read 14,384,060 times
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If it works for YOU, don't worry about what ANYONE else thinks! Would not work for us in this house, but that does not make it wrong if you both are ok with it and get the rest you need!!!
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Old 01-17-2016, 07:33 AM
11,270 posts, read 8,439,906 times
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There's such a huge difference between Queen and King sized beds. When we were in Atlanta (moved there from HI with no furnishings) and found such a great place to buy mattresses I nearly begged him to buy a King. Economics won out and we got 2 Queens (one for guest room). I think I'd be better on a bed that doesn't bounce around when he moves - he's a big guy! But since we are now in New England, this house wouldn't accommodate a King size anyway.

I really appreciate all the replies. I told him about this thread and all of the positive response. Some of you have given me great ideas about responding to kids. It's his kids. A long time ago my kids learned, when they had to wake me up, they had to stand WELL out of swinging range! They know how important sleep is to me.

I've ordered him a bamboo pillow, too! We've been trying different pillows for him. He sometimes has headaches/neck aches. I always pray it's not from the sleep apnea/lack of O2. Anyway, if I can get him to use it once it gets here (he hates when I buy him anything ) I'll let you know how that works out!

OH it's not just him either. My sleep patterns are wonky. I take Zz-Quil on work nights to prevent the "awake at 2am" situations.
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Old 01-17-2016, 08:05 AM
Location: Houston, TX
14,698 posts, read 8,497,826 times
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I read research some time ago that discussed couples who slept in separate beds. Although there hasn't been a lot of research conducted, the overall results indicate that couples who sleep separately each sleep better, especially if one or both of them have sleep issues. My wife and I sleep separately sometimes. We have a huge king size bed, but she and I both snore a little. However, it's not usually the snoring that's the issue. I get terrible migraine headaches that keep me up at night and I also have insomnia that necessitates getting up to take pills.

On those bad nights, I don't want to disturb her by getting up repeatedly and returning to bed, so I just head to the guest bedroom. Sometimes her snoring wakes me up repeatedly, and after I've turned her over twice, I move to the guest bedroom so my insomnia isn't further aggravated. She got offended by my not returning to bed at first, but when I explained the need for both of us to sleep well and that isn't wans't personal, she was OK with it.
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Old 01-17-2016, 08:28 AM
7,340 posts, read 16,650,851 times
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We are in our mid-60's and the only times we have slept in different beds was at a motel. And, when I had my hip replacement and rotator cuff surgeries, I couldn't sleep in the bed. For hip replacement and right shoulder RC surgery, we lived in a 2-story house, I slept on the couch downstairs for a month, and we had a 2-way Radio Shack Mobile Intercom System that we used to say "goodnight, I love you" to each other on. When I had my left shoulder RC surgery, we had already sold our house and was living in an apt. I slept in a recliner right next to the bedroom door where she slept.

Other than these operations, we always sleep in the same bed. When she starts snoring, I simply wake her up, tell her she snoring and she stops it and we go back to sleep.

As for us, we'd never think about sleeping in different beds/bedrooms/locations, except when it's absolutely necessary. We both go to bed at the same time.

BTW, we don't have any kids or family to "answer to" because we live States away from family and love it.

Last edited by LoveBoating; 01-17-2016 at 08:48 AM..
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Old 01-17-2016, 08:33 AM
37 posts, read 23,884 times
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I started to sleep a few nights a week in my camper in the garage since I snore and have restless legs. My wife does not like it, would prefer me in our king size bed despite me waking her up several times a night. I am trying to convince her it is actually best for both of us to get a good night sleep so she does not get a migraine from lack of sleep. She thinks its weird not to be together in bed.

We also bought Casper beds (comes to your door in a box, amazing how it expands). Great reviews on it. Solved my back pain problems. Also since its not a spring mattress, you feel your partners movement a lot less. I also use the bamboo pillow someone mentioned in this thread and love that.
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Old 01-17-2016, 12:42 PM
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
9,244 posts, read 8,313,712 times
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Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post

I've ordered him a bamboo pillow, too! We've been trying different pillows for him. He sometimes has headaches/neck aches. I always pray it's not from the sleep apnea/lack of O2. Anyway, if I can get him to use it once it gets here (he hates when I buy him anything ) I'll let you know how that works out!

Make sure you use a 100% cotton pillowcase with it!

They changed our lives!
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Old 01-17-2016, 12:56 PM
6,625 posts, read 3,754,399 times
Reputation: 13703
Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
I'm posting this in Retirement because I think it's an "older person" phenomenon. (Plus I can't stand the thought of putting it in the "Romantic Relationship" section.) He's 51, I'm 55.

We have two identical, really comfortable queen sized beds. One in our room, one in the spare/guest room.

If I wanted to read in bed, I'd go to the spare room so as not to disturb him. I normally take something to help me sleep but there have been many nights I'd lay awake, listening to him snore and eventually move to the spare room. So now it's evolved into sleeping separately.

We're both better rested and are in better moods. (Despite the cat migrating with me. ) We don't get resentful over having our sleep disturbed by the other. And our love life has actually improved, oddly enough.

So I'm not really sure how to explain it to the various offspring (of his) who come by. It's a little embarrassing because it gives the impression that we're not "together" when in reality our relationship is better than ever. I haven't migrated my clothes, etc over so right now I just scour the room before they show up. I'd be fine moving the dresser because I leave earlier so I get clothes together and stage them outside of his room anyway to allow him to sleep as late as possible.

Any similar stories? Any suggestions on the kids? Really I can see this is going to get to the place where we just don't care what anyone else thinks - we love our life together. It's not a big house so the bedrooms are for sleeping. We spend as many waking hours together as possible.

If someone visits I can bunk with him.
My grandparents had separate bedrooms. She was neat and clean and dainty. He was big and loud and snored loudly.
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Old 01-17-2016, 03:00 PM
13,941 posts, read 7,422,661 times
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Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
Okay I really got a good laugh there! Great idea! I can relate to sleep apnea. I lay awake wondering if he's going to stop breathing. I've done all I can to convince him. He was working out and lost weight and it went away but he's reverted. Sorry about your wife. I've read about the lack of sufficient oxygen causing dementia, too and it's all so disturbing.
My dad had untreated obstructive sleep apnea. What happens is you stop breathing because your airway is blocked. Your body gives you a shot of adrenaline to partially wake you so you start breathing again. This can happen 40 to 60 times per hour. After a bunch of years of it, it can cause atrial fibrillation. If you don't treat that, you're a very high stroke risk. If you have a bunch of mini-strokes, you end up with vascular dementia. The CT scan of my father's brain looked like a block of Swiss cheese.

As you age, the obstructive sleep apnea problem worsens no matter what you do about fitness and weight. It's a natural weakening in the muscles in your airway.

I inherited the same problems but I'm totally tuned into it from what happened to my father. An APAP machine treats the apnea. I don't snore. I don't have any obstructive apnea events. I've been taking baby aspirin for a decade to minimize the stroke risk. I have a neurologist and cardiologist keeping an eye on me. I'd prefer to not be in a dementia lockdown ward in my mid-80's.

Something like 5% of the population has sleep apnea and men are closer to 10%. Very little of it gets properly diagnosed and treated. It's the root cause behind all kinds of cardiac problems. Hypertension. Heart attacks. AFib. The lack of REM sleep can trigger depression.
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Old 01-17-2016, 03:53 PM
Location: Central NY
4,679 posts, read 3,250,875 times
Reputation: 11982
I have lived alone for many years (which translates into have slept alone for a long time).

The only thing that keeps striking me about this is why in the world do you care what your kids, friends, family members think?

This is your life. Where, how, when you sleep is no one's business but yours. Stop worrying what other people will think. You can never please everyone at the same time.
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