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Old 02-04-2016, 05:28 PM
 
6,625 posts, read 3,752,330 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
I like our eye doctor, the guy who gives us our eye exams every year. He diagnosed a detachment, which we are watching, but which does not seem to be progressing. I went in today for a checkup. While he was looking in my eyes, he asked me about DH, whom he also treats. He asked me what he did before he retired, and I told him.

I couldn't help noticing that he didn't ask me what I did before I retired! I wonder why not?

Most of us female baby boomers had careers of one sort or another. Why didn't he think to ask me?

I'm not angry, but I guess I feel slightly slighted as if my work is automatically devalued in some way.

Maybe it is just me? How would you feel?

I'm not married, so he would naturally ask me about myself, not a husband.

But I have noticed that as I get older, doctors and others seem less interested in my life, interests, etc. And doctors are more often attributing any physical injury to an age-related condition. Example: I pulled something in my shoulder/upper arm region several years ago. I'd been hammering something into the ground, and when it wouldn't go in, I hammered even harder and harder until the muscles gave out...and wow, did I feel the pain. When it didn't go away after several months, and movement was limited, I went to orthopedist. He said I had frozen shoulder, "which is common with women past a certain age." He warned me to expect it to get much worse, before it gets better...if it does get better.

I tried explaining to him that it WAS getting better, just very slowly, which was my concern. Maybe I'd had a tiny fracture or torn tendon or something. He said no, that it was a frozen shoulder. To do some exercises for it. I knew it wasn't frozen shoulder. It was an INJURY. Drs just don't think women can get injuries from doing something physically demanding, I guess. So I just waited and it cont'd to get better. (frozen shoulder doesn't get better; it gets progressively worse.) Sigh. They're just so fixated on age and gender.
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Old 02-04-2016, 05:57 PM
 
698 posts, read 767,643 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
I went in today for a checkup. While he was looking in my eyes, he asked me about DH, whom he also treats. He asked me what he did before he retired, and I told him.
Just there for an eye exam and the doc is asking about your DH's past career? Just seems odd that a doc would be asking that, not unless you are in there so regularly that you are comfortable with each other.

Also have to wonder why he was asking about the DH when you were the one he was examining, kind of strange
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Old 02-04-2016, 06:00 PM
 
89 posts, read 70,170 times
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Just today, was at attorney's office to update wills, POA's, healthcare directives, etc. After my 3rd question, he calls me out for asking 'so many questions'. I was speechless. Who doesn't ask questions? Sensing my reaction, he quickly adds 'how smart you are, I ought to give you a job, normally folks don't have all these questions' blah blah blah. Felt totally patronized. Doubt this would have happened to a guy.
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Old 02-04-2016, 06:49 PM
NCN
 
Location: NC/SC Border Patrol
21,135 posts, read 21,891,633 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Giesela View Post
They say middle aged/old women are the most invisible members of society. Once we aren't sexy or capable of bearing children we aren't important. I guess he's just not that into you
I find that liberating for some reason. I believe we also control more money than any other group in society.

The question the op asked made me wonder how she was dressed and if she looked like she could afford more than he would think her retirement would allow her to wear. There is no way my job would provide me with money to buy the clothes I buy with our bank account.

Maybe next time ask, "Why do you want to know that?" Or tell him what you did then say, "Oh, you asked what my husband did." Then tell him what your husband did.

I have had a few of these reactions from ignorant professionals too. I just remember that I am me and my worth is not determined by that person. My worth to them may be that but I am more than just a patient of some doctor. My friends tell me how difficult life is once your husband dies. Could this worthless attitude by some be the reason their life is so much more difficult?

But isn't it peaceful to realize that no one expects anything amazing from you. I knocked myself out for years. Being invisible can't be all that bad.

Last edited by NCN; 02-04-2016 at 07:05 PM..
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Old 02-04-2016, 07:23 PM
 
Location: NC
4,534 posts, read 7,324,734 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joni78 View Post
Just today, was at attorney's office to update wills, POA's, healthcare directives, etc. After my 3rd question, he calls me out for asking 'so many questions'. I was speechless. Who doesn't ask questions? Sensing my reaction, he quickly adds 'how smart you are, I ought to give you a job, normally folks don't have all these questions' blah blah blah. Felt totally patronized. Doubt this would have happened to a guy.
Should have said, No worries, my "job" is to pay you to answer my questions, can we proceed?
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Old 02-04-2016, 07:33 PM
 
Location: ☀️ SWFL ⛱ 🌴
2,435 posts, read 1,671,079 times
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I took my 3 year old grandson to the playground yesterday. He was climbing, running, jumping and happy. He ran over to the swings and did a belly flop on one, swinging back and forth on his stomach. Two little girls, older than him were in the kiddie swings (bucket type) with their Dad, next to him. They told my grandson he was a baby and couldn't be on the big swings. He got off, came over to me with big tears in in eyes and his lower lip stuck out and sobbed that they called him a baby! He was heartbroken. I asked him if he thought he was a baby or a big boy. He told me he was a big boy and I replied I agree and you know what? If you think you are a big boy, you are and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Especially two little girls in baby swings that haven't been taught the rudiments of manners.

OP, Your eye care provider is providing a service that you are paying for, he's not doing you a favor. You are only invisible or less if you think you are and let your experience with the eye doctor slide. That conversation should have been about you and your eyes and it's clear that it bothered you that it was not. Sometimes it's hard to react to things at the time and hopefully you can keep the focus on you when you need to next time. Especially with a socially inept eye doctor not well versed in appropriate small talk.

You should come hang out on the playground with me.

Last edited by jean_ji; 02-04-2016 at 07:53 PM..
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Old 02-04-2016, 07:46 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,744,100 times
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Default Invisibility

We men can become "invisible" too as we age. When I was about 62 to 66 I had returned to work to do some special projects which were complex and critical to the organization. The boss liked my work, which was why I was there, and his secretary must have picked up on that fact. She was all smiles with me: "Oh, good morning, Mr. Escort Rider", and so forth.

I then tired of those projects and stopped doing them. The boss moved on, but his secretary was still the secretary for the new boss. I returned from time to time, but not in any critical role, just in very minor roles. I then became invisible to this secretary. And no, I did not expect her to ohh and ahh over me like she used to do, not at all. But the change was so extreme - I had become invisible and she looked right through me - couldn't even say hello.

Perhaps the above example is not so much age related as it is related to the perceived importance or the perceived irrelevance that we have in someone else's eyes.

My point? Men are not completely immune from that invisibility.
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Old 02-04-2016, 09:40 PM
 
Location: Native Floridian, USA
4,904 posts, read 6,120,472 times
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I am so glad I clicked on this thread because I loved reading it. Thanks for all the good posts.
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Old 02-04-2016, 10:44 PM
 
662 posts, read 478,963 times
Reputation: 1690
I don't think it's age related, as several here have spoken about the "ignore" issues (really, it's about ass-u-ming a woman isn't an actant in the world: only men are). I too could add a bunch of examples, but here's one clearly not related to age: I was selling a vehicle and got several calls about it, nearly all men. They couldn't tell how old I was on the phone.

I was getting increasingly annoyed with the men who were annoyed that the vehicle they were calling about was being sold by a woman. I suspect they didn't want to deal with buying from a woman (anyone want to talk about pay equality here??....it's surely related...what we lose because people/businesses don't want to "deal" with us). There were the long pauses after I didn't do what they expected me to do: hand the phone to a male to answer their questions.

I'd really had enough, and by the time one caller blatantly asked me outright to speak to my husband, I told him I traded that model in years ago. ;P

I finally sold it to a couple. The man made the phone call to me. Didn't bat an eye (should I say lip?) when I began answering his questions. But man (heh), did it take months of wading through idiots to finally sell it.
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Old 02-05-2016, 03:43 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,744,100 times
Reputation: 32304
Quote:
Originally Posted by crusinsusan View Post
I don't think it's age related, as several here have spoken about the "ignore" issues (really, it's about ass-u-ming a woman isn't an actant in the world: only men are). I too could add a bunch of examples, but here's one clearly not related to age: I was selling a vehicle and got several calls about it, nearly all men. They couldn't tell how old I was on the phone.

I was getting increasingly annoyed with the men who were annoyed that the vehicle they were calling about was being sold by a woman. I suspect they didn't want to deal with buying from a woman (anyone want to talk about pay equality here??....it's surely related...what we lose because people/businesses don't want to "deal" with us). There were the long pauses after I didn't do what they expected me to do: hand the phone to a male to answer their questions.

I'd really had enough, and by the time one caller blatantly asked me outright to speak to my husband, I told him I traded that model in years ago. ;P

I finally sold it to a couple. The man made the phone call to me. Didn't bat an eye (should I say lip?) when I began answering his questions. But man (heh), did it take months of wading through idiots to finally sell it.
How many years ago was that? Sounds like a story from the 1950's.
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