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Old 02-08-2016, 02:14 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,729,443 times
Reputation: 32304

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Quote:
Originally Posted by BusyMeAK View Post
You can call me ignorant, if you wish, but you look at the surface (retirement funds) while I'm trying to look a bit deeper. The question is - why a mother of a 30 years old independent woman worries about her retirement? Is she too controlling, too caring, or both? If she cares about her daughter's well-being, the right partner is more important just now. If she gets one, she will start thinking about future. If not, who knows?
I do not wish to call you ignorant, as I am not into rudeness for its own sake like some other posters. I was answering the two questions at the end of the text of the original post, whereas you have chosen to look at a different aspect of the problem. Nothing wrong with that, but I find it a bit odd that you chose my post to quote and respond to in order to repeat your point.
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Old 02-08-2016, 12:36 PM
 
7,795 posts, read 4,383,926 times
Reputation: 11588
Quote:
Originally Posted by BusyMeAK View Post
You can call me ignorant, if you wish, but you look at the surface (retirement funds) while I'm trying to look a bit deeper. The question is - why a mother of a 30 years old independent woman worries about her retirement? Is she too controlling, too caring, or both? If she cares about her daughter's well-being, the right partner is more important just now. If she gets one, she will start thinking about future. If not, who knows?
Funny; I had the impression that the OP was her father, for some reason!
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Old 02-09-2016, 10:17 AM
 
Location: Pennsylvania
16,343 posts, read 10,331,404 times
Reputation: 28468
I got that impression too, otterhere.
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Old 02-09-2016, 10:46 AM
 
Location: Idaho
1,451 posts, read 1,153,447 times
Reputation: 5472
Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
Funny; I had the impression that the OP was her father, for some reason!
Yes, the OP was a father. I'm a bit curious on whether a father and a mother may have different concerns for their children and whether these concerns are different for daughters vs. sons.

Using conventional or stereotypical thinking, I'd guess that:

1. A father may be more concerned about his children's financial matters than personal life (married or singles)

2. A mother may put more emphasis on the children's personal life.

3. For a son, the parents may think it is more important for him to get a good job than to be married.

4. For a daughter, the parents may think it is more important for her to marry well than to get a job.

Of course, there are exceptions based on individual life experience and attitude. My parents have 9 girls and 3 boys. They both put more emphasis on us to get a good education, to establish a career than to find a mate. However, they are more concerned and worried about unmarried or divorced children than the married ones. They are also concerned about the kids who are least financially successful.

I am very glad that my mother never ever pushed us girls into getting married. She always stressed the importance of being self-sufficient, on your own and not having to rely on a husband. She got married early and spent most of her life raising 12 kids. She did not get a job until the youngest one was in high school. She is whip smart and inventive. We all thought that if she had become an engineer, she would have come up with many great discoveries and have many patents. Her legacy may not be in what she directly leaves to society, but in the can-do, independent spirit and the work ethic which she imprinted on her children.
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Old 02-09-2016, 11:16 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,744 posts, read 7,027,781 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ohio_peasant View Post
Luck is everywhere involved - even in investment. A good outcome is therefore never entirely attributable to personal verve, talent, or dedication; much depends on luck. True, this is no cause for complacency or for dismissing the progress of others, as being solely due to luck, and of no credit to them. But it does mean an acknowledgement of our dependency on external factors, at every turn.

I wholeheartedly agree, that a "soulmate" is a lofty objective, so that if we chase it, we're liable to forego all sorts of useful and pleasant but more modest objectives. A romantic partner will not save us from ourselves, or reorient a nasty and horrifying world into paradise. But having such a partner - stably, for life - offers self-evident advantages, especially as we get older. Perhaps by "soulmate" we don't mean a cosmic optimal, but merely a decent alignment of values and lifestyles, and a modicum of trust?

Marriage, one hopes, is not a rescue-operation of the helpless by the enterprising. It's a venue for the like-minded and like-prepared to pool and concentrate resources.
Your post, IMO is worth repeating, for the perspective on marriage that it presents. Maybe because I had such great examples of miserably failed marriages and subsequent financial hardships in my own family, I had always been determined that being married to someone incompatible with my own life perspectives and values, or marrying for reasons other than wanting to commit to a shared life with the other person, would be infinitely worse than never marrying at all-not, IMO, that never being married is a bad place at all to be, unless one really wanted that relationship but never got there.

As I see it, while marriages are as varied as the individuals in those relationships, it still takes a true commitment to each other, and to the relationship by both partners to make a marriage successful over the long haul. That commitment, and the willingness to be honest with each other, work together through problems as each partner is able, can for sure be a source of strength and comfort during those rough times. Getting through those rough times can make the relationship even stronger.

It's between the people involved to make any relationship a good one, and really up to each individual to determine what is best for him/her and to determine personal choices that work best for him/her. So I would never push anyone into "finding a soulmate", or even make a judgement on the relationships they choose to pursue, or not ( although I'd have to be there to help as I could in the event a loved one is in an obviously abusive relationship or one that is making them miserably unhappy).

And the poster who comented about depending on marriage for financial security being lousy financial planning was spot on too. Even in good marriages, there are too many variables to guarantee financial bliss.

Fortunately, in my own circumstances, a lifetime of working together,,planning together, and shared perspectives and choices has worked out well for me as I'm now sharing a comfortable retirement with my soulmate, so I know it can happen. But even still, as much as my own marriage has meant to me, I'd be the first to say that a bad marriage is worse than no marriage, and I'd never try to push anyone into a marriage just for its own sake, or for motives other than that commitment.
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Old 02-09-2016, 11:57 AM
 
Location: New Mexico
6,555 posts, read 3,656,219 times
Reputation: 12317
Yes, indeed, I'm her father. We had a chat on doing her taxes this weekend and the door opened to a little discussion of the benefit of exploring her employer's deferred compensation plan. She "gets it" but wants to pay off all her debts first.


She has a deferred comp. account at a former employer with only a couple hundred dollars in it before she changed jobs and left it behind maybe three years ago -- two jobs ago. She wants to regain access to that tiny account when she opens a new one but doesn't know how....so she has given it some thought. She loves the current job and appears to be in for the long haul so I expect she will get it resolved.
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Old 02-09-2016, 01:11 PM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,307 posts, read 4,151,370 times
Reputation: 18284
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunGrins View Post
Yes, indeed, I'm her father. We had a chat on doing her taxes this weekend and the door opened to a little discussion of the benefit of exploring her employer's deferred compensation plan. She "gets it" but wants to pay off all her debts first.
She might be more amenable to signing up with her employer's plan now if you stress that she doesn't have to max it out right away. She can invest a small amount monthly until she has those debts paid off, then increase her retirement contributions then. It doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing deal.
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Old 02-09-2016, 01:39 PM
 
26,589 posts, read 52,267,707 times
Reputation: 20410
Your a great dad simply for being willing open the discussion.
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Old 02-09-2016, 01:41 PM
 
5,425 posts, read 3,445,259 times
Reputation: 13698
It is 'you are' or you're, not 'your', Ultrarunner.
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Old 02-09-2016, 01:54 PM
 
26,589 posts, read 52,267,707 times
Reputation: 20410
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
It is 'you are' or you're, not 'your', Ultrarunner.
I hate auto correct... really do!
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