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Old 02-29-2016, 08:33 AM
 
Location: Arizona
183 posts, read 112,195 times
Reputation: 734

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
I love this! Great story.

She has been excited for me retiring because she wants to do things and go places with me, which I will--but I fear not to the same extent she is envisioning. Already she has been developing this awful habit of stopping to ring my bell when she drives by and sees my car.

So...I am going to draw pictures of my friend taking care of a new patient. I'll let you know how it works out!
If that doesn't work try drawing pictures of a broken door bell.
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Old 02-29-2016, 01:58 PM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
56,107 posts, read 54,597,263 times
Reputation: 66501
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sibay View Post
If that doesn't work try drawing pictures of a broken door bell.
Hahaha.
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Old 02-29-2016, 02:26 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,671 posts, read 3,248,729 times
Reputation: 11956
Mightyqueen801: May I ask what is keeping you from being direct with her? She is definitely imposing herself on you and if you keep allowing it to happen, it won't stop. In this case, visualization isn't the answer. She sounds like a very needy person.

Give some thought to how you can be direct without hurting her, tho I do expect she may feel hurt at first. NOT your fault. You need your private time to do enjoyable things that you want to do without interruption. Maybe you can think of a schedule that would allow for her visits but help her to understand that on such and such a date(s), she needs to not drop by.

I am assuming you are a very polite person who doesn't want anyone hurt. But in the long run, it is you who is being hurt.

Good luck.
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Old 02-29-2016, 04:33 PM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
56,107 posts, read 54,597,263 times
Reputation: 66501
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYgal2NC View Post
Mightyqueen801: May I ask what is keeping you from being direct with her? She is definitely imposing herself on you and if you keep allowing it to happen, it won't stop. In this case, visualization isn't the answer. She sounds like a very needy person.

Give some thought to how you can be direct without hurting her, tho I do expect she may feel hurt at first. NOT your fault. You need your private time to do enjoyable things that you want to do without interruption. Maybe you can think of a schedule that would allow for her visits but help her to understand that on such and such a date(s), she needs to not drop by.

I am assuming you are a very polite person who doesn't want anyone hurt. But in the long run, it is you who is being hurt.

Good luck.
Oh I HAVE to be direct with her. I have had to be direct with her at other times for other issues. For example, in the past I have been home sick or in pain from the dentist and she shows up at my house to "sit with" me. I had to ask her to leave because I would rather be alone when I don't feel well. She finally caught on that it's better to call and see if I need anything if I am sick instead of coming over thinking her company is what I need--you know, like a normal person would do in the first place. But she isn't going to carry the "do not be intrusive" idea from one situation to another on her own. This is just the latest situation--I retired last week and her patient died and I know she is going to think that because I am home she can just stop by whenever. I KNOW that this is what she will do, but since it is new and has only begun, I can't exactly say, "I know you're going to start dropping in on me so I want to tell you pre-emptively not to do that" lol. She is quite attached to this dead woman's family so she will be involved with the funeral-related events today and tomorrow.

I write, and doing more writing on a disciplined basis is a major part of my retirement plan. I think that she would respect it if I told her I might be writing and would not like to be interrupted when I do, so please call first, and that's likely the approach I will use.

It's just the fact that I DO have to manage her in this way that's a pain in the azz. Getting her out of my life is not an option, and as I said, I like her in small doses. We are both on our condo board, and she takes care of my cats when I go somewhere. I've thought about this quite a bit, and I believe she truly thinks that she is just being friendly and it never occurs to her that she would be anything but welcome or that letting someone know that you note whenever they are home or not home is a little creepy.

It's not just me. Her son has prostate cancer and recently separated from his wife. She took him for his radiation treatments and packed a bag and stayed at his apartment for three days till he finally asked her to go home. He only lives five miles away.

Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 02-29-2016 at 04:41 PM..
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Old 02-29-2016, 06:48 PM
 
1,075 posts, read 1,118,445 times
Reputation: 1416
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
I love this! Great story.

It gave me an idea...

I have a friend, somewhat older than I am, who lives in my condo complex. She can be fun and is right there when someone needs help. I like to go out to eat with her, play board games, etc., but she is also one of those people who is a bit too intrusive and doesn't understand boundaries or certain social norms. Wants to know where I went, what I bought, how much it cost, etc. I have to watch what I say--for example, I mentioned that my 87-year-old mom called and asked me to take her shopping because she doesn't feel comfortable going to the mall alone anymore, and when I told my friend, she immediately said, "OH great! I'd love to go with you!" Um, NO, I am going out for the day with MY MOTHER. She does not pick up hints--you have to be straight up with her to the point where I fear I will hurt her but there is no other way to get the message across. I know it's not just me--she has grown children and I see that they get frustrated with her getting in their business as well.

She has been excited for me retiring because she wants to do things and go places with me, which I will--but I fear not to the same extent she is envisioning. Already she has been developing this awful habit of stopping to ring my bell when she drives by and sees my car. She has no reason to stop--just asks what I am doing and tells me about her day. I can't stand it, because i am usually writing or reading or involved in something and she is interrupting me for no reason at all. I fear she will be ringing my bell every day now that I'm home and I'm going to have to tell her to stop coming by without calling and maybe hurt her feelings.

This fear was tempered somewhat by the fact that she has been working 7 mornings a week taking care of an Alzheimer's patient, bathing, feeding, etc., so she is busy for at least part of the day. Well, wouldn't you know, the old woman died the day before I retired, and my friend now has ALL her mornings free to stalk me.

So...I am going to draw pictures of my friend taking care of a new patient. I'll let you know how it works out!
Actually your friend's behavior is your fault. You let it go on too long. You should have set boundaries right from the beginning. Now when you tell her you need your space, you will hurt her feelings. She sounds like a nice but lonely person.
You will have to sit her down and very gently tell her the boundaries you need in the friendship. Try and be as kind as possible to her.
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Old 02-29-2016, 09:12 PM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
56,107 posts, read 54,597,263 times
Reputation: 66501
Quote:
Originally Posted by organic_donna View Post
Actually your friend's behavior is your fault. You let it go on too long. You should have set boundaries right from the beginning. Now when you tell her you need your space, you will hurt her feelings. She sounds like a nice but lonely person.
You will have to sit her down and very gently tell her the boundaries you need in the friendship. Try and be as kind as possible to her.
Not true. I get why you think that because it's the canned response to such situations, but it's not the case. She is far from lonely, and she's not always all that nice, lol. I CONSTANTLY set boundaries and have from the beginning when she started pulling up behind me when I came home from work and I called her a stalker--that's the whole point. (She laughed, but she stopped doing that.) Each new situation means we start from the beginning.

Not lonely whatsoever. She has 3 adult kids close by that she sees all the time. She has 6 grandkids and 2 greats and goes to all their sporting events. She has a best friend that lives near us who has said to me, "She's a good friend, BUT..." knowing I know exactly what she means. This woman is raising a child whose mother is an addict, and our friend was so put out by HER reduction in availability that she said, "Why don't you put that kid in foster care where she belongs?" Nope, not always nice, and again, not getting boundaries. I took her to my church and now she socializes with people there more than I do.

She just always has to be told what her limits are.

But there's hope! I just talked her and she said she was going to stop by my house and then she thought, "no, she just retired. I can't stop there today." LOL

I'm still gonna draw her a new job.
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Old 03-02-2016, 03:41 AM
 
7,982 posts, read 11,665,473 times
Reputation: 10473
Not sure if I believe in reincarnation or karma but there are times when I feel like it must be true. There are certain things about my life I can't seem to shift no matter how hard I try.
I don't discount that this sort of thing works for others though.
If anyone would like to help visualize a home for my feral cat that I've been feeding I would certainly appreciate any help. I've lived in this apt for 9 years and feeding her for 8.5. People just tell me to move and someone else will feed her. I can hardly rely on that, people move in and out of here all the time, no house, just apts. The idea of her showing up at my door everyday wondering where I am is just breaking my heart but I don't want to retire here. She is not at all tame. I would love to find a "barn cat" home but the cat situation around here is just drowning in cats. I'm feeling very anxious and a bit panic'ed about it all. Come spring I will advertise on craigslist and anywhere else I can thing but I don't have much hope. This IS the sort of thing I NEVER have had any luck with. Any visualizing help out there please feel free.
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Old 03-02-2016, 06:13 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,744,100 times
Reputation: 32304
I've tried to visualize certain posters becoming more rational and less emotional but it hasn't worked so far. (I'm not referring to this thread in particular, by the way, but to the Retirement Forum in general.)
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Old 03-02-2016, 07:15 AM
 
4,346 posts, read 6,059,960 times
Reputation: 10443
While one is content visualizing, others are living out their dreams. I've been retired for going on 11 years and the months fly by as if they were days. Time just gallops. I'm 66 and enjoying retirement, no visualization board, sometimes flying by the seat of my panties, but it's early March and I've got a hell of a tan here in FL, looking forward to returning north soon and on to our next adventure.
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