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View Poll Results: Move back near family or stay in relationship?
Move Back near family 26 86.67%
Stay in relationship 4 13.33%
Voters: 30. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 02-28-2016, 05:27 AM
Location: Dallas
5,603 posts, read 4,945,587 times
Reputation: 16459


I moved and regretted it. Left an abusive marriage and wanted to get as far away as possible, but that included getting away from my adult kids as well. It really hit home when one of my adult kids was going through a personal tragedy and I could only stay with him one week before having to fly back. I finally moved close enough to my kids where I can take an active part in their lives.

I've always had a great relationship with my kids, so not sure how I'd handle it if the relationships were not as strong. But it is nice being around family and we are always there for each other now. A big plus is seeing the grandkids grow up, spending time with them, and not being a long distance grandmother.

You have to do what is right for you. A BF that wants to isolate you from your family is a BIG RED FLAG. Been there, done that. I agree with some posters that the relationship doesn't sound like it is in your best interests to continue.
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Old 02-28-2016, 05:48 AM
Location: Backwoods of Maine
7,119 posts, read 8,168,861 times
Reputation: 18776
We have 2 married daughters, and 6 grandkids, ages 5 to 18. We are a very close-knit family. However, my daughters and their husbands work (sometimes on weekends) and all the grands are in school now. They all live in Rhode Island, where the wife and I lived all of our working lives.

We now live in Maine, with a vacation place in TN. We are at the TN place for now, and I will remain alone here till the end of May, working on a project. That is when my daughters will be taking some vacation time, and the grands will be about to finish up school for the year. So that is when I will head back north, to be with them when they have some time off.

I see no reason to be up there all the time; if they are at work/school, they are tired and busy when they come home. They usually have time to call, text or send us pictures, and we do spend the holidays together. That is enough to keep the family ties strong.

OP, I think the least you can do is spend holidays and summer vacations with your NY family. After all, when they are at work/school, how much time can you spend with them anyway? A phone call from FL isn't much different than a phone call from somewhere in NY.
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Old 02-28-2016, 06:04 AM
Location: Canada
5,765 posts, read 4,188,283 times
Reputation: 15520
It isn't going to be simple, but your only solution is to decide who you love more... your BF or your family since you can't have both.

Once you figure that out, you'll have your answer.
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Old 02-28-2016, 07:15 AM
21 posts, read 16,599 times
Reputation: 43
Thank you for your responses. It would be different if I was living in another state and my boyfriend was included in my visits to my family, etc. But he refuses to do that. I don't think it is a healthy relationship if we have to be separated while I go visiting. I am not a fan of New York because of the high taxes and the weather but that is where my family is. This is eating my insides up and I know I need to make a decision soon.
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Old 02-28-2016, 11:20 AM
8,162 posts, read 8,649,402 times
Reputation: 9172
Does your boyfriend have children of his own? Grandchildren?

Can you see yourself buried next to him for eternity, ashes next to his, etc.?

Some women at this stage in life are just afraid to be alone or think that they won't be able to find anyone else.

I can be somewhat more tolerant if he doesn't like having your family staying with you when they visit, disrupting his routine, etc. It's not right, but I can be more open to that. However, discouraging you from visiting them isn't right. especially since it sounds like you get along well with your children, their spouses, and the grandkids. If you had a strained relationship with them, then the situation would be different. You are a very young grandma. While I know that the grandchildren and your children have their own busy lives, it's a great gift for your grandchildren to be able to really know their grandmother. My own grandparents were old and sickly by the time I was born, but I had friends with younger grandparents who were able to come to their birthday parties, school events etc. Even as a little kid, I wanted that too. Have you discussed this with your own children? Do they like the idea of you being more involved in their lives or do they prefer the distance?

You have to first think about this relationship. Is the family conflict the only conflict? Do you find him controlling in other ways? Do you find that by staying with him and combining finances sometimes, that you can afford a higher standard of living and this is part of your motivation for staying with him. If you lived on your own, would your standard of living decline? Can you move closer to your kids close enough for weekend visits, but far enough to be in a lower cost of living area than NY?
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Old 02-28-2016, 03:01 PM
Location: Florida
5,281 posts, read 3,034,974 times
Reputation: 9625
We raised our kids here in Florida, they are both in Washington state some years now.
We will never live in Washington, it is not affordable and the climate is disagreeable.

You can't count on what the kids will do, both you and they must lead your own lives.
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Old 02-28-2016, 05:01 PM
21 posts, read 16,599 times
Reputation: 43
I do think about my children possibly relocating in the future but that would be a long time away. They have made a life for themselves in New York. It's the guilt I feel, moving away from my Parents & kids. I don't get grief from BF If I want to visit them but I always thought that if you are in a relationship with someone they should accept your family. I am in the Middle so to speak. As far as finances go… I can afford to live on my own, in fact I am helping to support him.
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Old 02-28-2016, 05:47 PM
Location: Southern Oregon coast
480 posts, read 508,827 times
Reputation: 1540
So, he doesn't get along with your family and you support him. What are the positives in this relationship?
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Old 02-28-2016, 06:11 PM
21 posts, read 16,599 times
Reputation: 43
When we met he was working but then had an accident. I feel guilty leaving because I know he won't be able to survive financially without me. I love him & my children. We are not married but he did get me an engagement ring. I am in NO HURRY. Complicated. One would think he would compromise and we could spend half the time in New York because I am financially supporting him but he will not bend.
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Old 02-28-2016, 09:52 PM
Location: Bakersfield, Ca
1,851 posts, read 1,375,395 times
Reputation: 3968
I could not support a boyfriend, I would get resentful quick . Hurt husband yes- we made a commitment . I know you are in no hurry but you're not doing your self any favors . Life is short .
Please don't feel guilty about leaving him , if he had an accident at work he can find ways to make it .
I know you love him but that hard earned money needs to go to you . A million dudes out there with a job who would be glad to go with you anywhere you wanted.
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