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Old 03-04-2016, 03:14 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,138 posts, read 23,055,558 times
Reputation: 35397

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I wouldn't live with another man. That's not for all women. But, if you decide to do it, I think you should sit down with your sweetie and go over mundane day-to-day chores and situations and figure out how you'd handle them.

At our age, men generally expect a woman to do more work around the house than they do. Even if they've been doing it themselves for years, they seem to fall back into "married" rhythm. And women are guilty of doing the same - and then resenting it.

And a man can start resenting that he no longer feels comfortable binge-watching golf on TV in his boxers and being able to fart and burp and not shave all day.

There are just sooooo many little, constant negotiations when you live with someone. It's exhausting. What to eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner. What to buy at the store. What to watch on TV. Just think about every single little thing you do all day, and then discussing it with someone else, who may want to bring up a different option and you are trying to be diplomatic and fair, but just want to move along to the next thing, then having to change your agenda based on the last discussion. It's like you're having to think about everything you do and answer questions constantly, or ask someone else a question constantly and negotiate every little thing you do. If you'd been doing that for the last 20 years, it would be second nature. But, since you haven't, just be prepared for the exhaustion.

This is why having guests is so trying, even if you love them. They mess up your routine. And there's more work and cleaning while they're there and after they leave.

So, can love conquer all? Not for me anymore LOL. I don't want to discuss what I do with someone else all day.

I feel for you. I can understand wanting to see him more. I hope you guys can figure out something that will work for both of you.
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Old 03-04-2016, 03:31 PM
 
3,145 posts, read 1,736,721 times
Reputation: 3520
can you talk this out?
you have a 5 BR house that should give you both a lot of space. what if you want to sleep at 8 and rise at 3 AM? the question is would that freak him out or would he accept that is you. i used to be the needy person, and my husband requires a lot of space, although we both need each other and he can be needy at times as well.

but now, in retirement, i like my own space as well, both spatially and otherwise. we rarely go out together for errands like some of our friends do, not even to the gym where both belong, but we may meet for lunch in the middle of the day. i have my own friends i meet for lunch, my own activities, my books. we watch TV both together and separately and i like both. we go out together with friends, to events, but i also like to go to the museums and galleries by myself. i am just getting ready to go on a 2 week trip to costa rica by myself since he is not into bird-watching, but we are planning a trip for September. it bothered me a bit but now i am ok with it and and excited.
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Old 03-04-2016, 05:59 PM
 
17,004 posts, read 20,717,167 times
Reputation: 33994
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
I wouldn't live with another man. That's not for all women. But, if you decide to do it, I think you should sit down with your sweetie and go over mundane day-to-day chores and situations and figure out how you'd handle them.

At our age, men generally expect a woman to do more work around the house than they do. Even if they've been doing it themselves for years, they seem to fall back into "married" rhythm. And women are guilty of doing the same - and then resenting it.

And a man can start resenting that he no longer feels comfortable binge-watching golf on TV in his boxers and being able to fart and burp and not shave all day.

There are just sooooo many little, constant negotiations when you live with someone. It's exhausting. What to eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner. What to buy at the store. What to watch on TV. Just think about every single little thing you do all day, and then discussing it with someone else, who may want to bring up a different option and you are trying to be diplomatic and fair, but just want to move along to the next thing, then having to change your agenda based on the last discussion. It's like you're having to think about everything you do and answer questions constantly, or ask someone else a question constantly and negotiate every little thing you do. If you'd been doing that for the last 20 years, it would be second nature. But, since you haven't, just be prepared for the exhaustion.

This is why having guests is so trying, even if you love them. They mess up your routine. And there's more work and cleaning while they're there and after they leave.

So, can love conquer all? Not for me anymore LOL. I don't want to discuss what I do with someone else all day.

I feel for you. I can understand wanting to see him more. I hope you guys can figure out something that will work for both of you.
Agree, I would add this guy is moving from out of state. So who else does he know besides the OP? Let's face it as we age it's harder to make friends, add in that in New England it's well known that people are more reserved and less friendly.

So you have a guy who won't be working(meeting people) living in a state that is new to him, giving up friends and familiar places from his home state, and the OP is worried he might be too needy?

Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
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Old 03-04-2016, 06:19 PM
 
6,871 posts, read 3,889,822 times
Reputation: 15660
There is something else you may want to consider. If you were to maintain the level of independence you need/want, would you readily accept him doing the same? Suppose he finds his own group of friends and activities which HE wants to pursue independently. Could you accept this, or would it be inconvenient or threatening in some way? I hope you discuss all the potential aspects of this before deciding what to do.
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Old 03-04-2016, 09:21 PM
 
2,190 posts, read 1,709,299 times
Reputation: 4941
My brother and SIL have been married 30 years. She's 10 years older than him. Their marriage was always LDR as she worked contract in multiple locations. She retired last year and they're now together full time. They're struggling but are committed to making it work.

Communication is key.
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Old 03-05-2016, 07:29 AM
 
Location: Southern New Hampshire
7,259 posts, read 12,707,022 times
Reputation: 22129
Thanks (and reps! ) for the additional replies! Answers below ...

Quote:
Originally Posted by johngolf View Post
Karen

I suggest you give more thought to the separate residences like not in each others face 24/7. Maybe each spend a night or two with the other but spending more time alone than together. I have a friend and he and his lady friend live 30 miles away from each other. They usually spend Fri to Sun together. They also travel together.
Quote:
Originally Posted by trobesmom View Post
There are some great suggestions here. I would suggest perhaps getting living arrangements closer to each other as well, but not under the same roof. My DH and I have been married almost 40 years, and though we love each other to death, sometimes things get a little tense and turbulent now that I'm retired and we are together 24/7. We have pretty much learned to adjust, but for someone who hasn't been married and together for all those years, I wouldn't suggest it. I always said if anything happens to my DH, I'm getting more library books and some cats! LOL>
I am beginning to think that separate residences, at least at first, are the way to go.

(Trobesmom, had to laugh at the "books and cats" reference! I already have thousands of books at my house and multiple kitties. My sweetie is a big animal lover too -- one of the things I love most about him. Also, loved the story of your FIL and his girlfriend ... nice to know that romantic love is possible in your 90s!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
... There are just sooooo many little, constant negotiations when you live with someone. It's exhausting. What to eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner. What to buy at the store. What to watch on TV. Just think about every single little thing you do all day, and then discussing it with someone else, who may want to bring up a different option and you are trying to be diplomatic and fair, but just want to move along to the next thing, then having to change your agenda based on the last discussion. It's like you're having to think about everything you do and answer questions constantly, or ask someone else a question constantly and negotiate every little thing you do. If you'd been doing that for the last 20 years, it would be second nature. But, since you haven't, just be prepared for the exhaustion.
NoMoreSnow, I think you "got" exactly what I am worried about ... you described it better than I could have!

Quote:
Originally Posted by cb2008 View Post
can you talk this out?
you have a 5 BR house that should give you both a lot of space. ...
You'd think, wouldn't you? But of course most of the time I am here by myself (I DO have house guests but they always leave before I am totally crazy -- depending on the particular guest that could take 24 days or 24 hours, LOL! ). I am very self-sufficient; I never get lonely in the generic sense (although sometimes I get lonely for a specific person). I've always been incredibly independent, even as a kid. My mom encouraged that and honestly, I think it's a great gift. BUT I have to acknowledge that it also makes relationships hard.

(BTW, CB2008, have fun on your trip to Costa Rica! I think it sounds fantastic! )

Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Agree, I would add this guy is moving from out of state. So who else does he know besides the OP? Let's face it as we age it's harder to make friends, add in that in New England it's well known that people are more reserved and less friendly.
Good point, and I should have written earlier that he is from New England and DOES still have friends up here (not in my town, but within a couple of hours in many directions). He is actually much more social than I am.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
There is something else you may want to consider. If you were to maintain the level of independence you need/want, would you readily accept him doing the same? Suppose he finds his own group of friends and activities which HE wants to pursue independently. Could you accept this, or would it be inconvenient or threatening in some way? I hope you discuss all the potential aspects of this before deciding what to do.
Are you kidding, Harpaint? I would not be threatened in the least, I think it would be GREAT!

Quote:
Originally Posted by PhureeKeeper View Post
My brother and SIL have been married 30 years. She's 10 years older than him. Their marriage was always LDR as she worked contract in multiple locations. She retired last year and they're now together full time. They're struggling but are committed to making it work.
I hope it works out for them!
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Old 03-05-2016, 07:37 AM
 
6,871 posts, read 3,889,822 times
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It sounds like you and your guy are very great together and could navigate this change very well!
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Old 03-05-2016, 08:08 AM
 
Location: Columbia SC
9,018 posts, read 7,782,871 times
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The main reason I would not remarry nor have a line-in is after what I went thru with when my wife was ill, I could never do nor want to do those things for someone else. I could have only done what I did for her.

I agree with what For said.

There are just sooooo many little, constant negotiations when you live with someone. It's exhausting. What to eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner. What to buy at the store. What to watch on TV. Just think about every single little thing you do all day, and then discussing it with someone else, who may want to bring up a different option and you are trying to be diplomatic and fair, but just want to move along to the next thing, then having to change your agenda based on the last discussion. It's like you're having to think about everything you do and answer questions constantly, or ask someone else a question constantly and negotiate every little thing you do. If you'd been doing that for the last 20 years, it would be second nature. But, since you haven't, just be prepared for the exhaustion.

This is why having guests is so trying, even if you love them. They mess up your routine. And there's more work and cleaning while they're there and after they leave.

So, can love conquer all? Not for me anymore LOL. I don't want to discuss what I do with someone else all day.


I love not having to "discuss" things. I just do as I please.
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Old 03-07-2016, 03:52 AM
 
6,353 posts, read 5,174,500 times
Reputation: 8528
My wife and I were together about 2/3 of the time while I was working and, now that I am retired, we are still together about 2/3 of the time. We have a house in Chicago and a rented apartment in San Diego. We adore each other but have very different interests and friends.
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Old 03-07-2016, 10:35 AM
 
1,209 posts, read 1,082,987 times
Reputation: 2552
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
I wouldn't live with another man. That's not for all women. But, if you decide to do it, I think you should sit down with your sweetie and go over mundane day-to-day chores and situations and figure out how you'd handle them.

At our age, men generally expect a woman to do more work around the house than they do. Even if they've been doing it themselves for years, they seem to fall back into "married" rhythm. And women are guilty of doing the same - and then resenting it.

And a man can start resenting that he no longer feels comfortable binge-watching golf on TV in his boxers and being able to fart and burp and not shave all day.

There are just sooooo many little, constant negotiations when you live with someone. It's exhausting. What to eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner. What to buy at the store. What to watch on TV. Just think about every single little thing you do all day, and then discussing it with someone else, who may want to bring up a different option and you are trying to be diplomatic and fair, but just want to move along to the next thing, then having to change your agenda based on the last discussion. It's like you're having to think about everything you do and answer questions constantly, or ask someone else a question constantly and negotiate every little thing you do. If you'd been doing that for the last 20 years, it would be second nature. But, since you haven't, just be prepared for the exhaustion.

This is why having guests is so trying, even if you love them. They mess up your routine. And there's more work and cleaning while they're there and after they leave.

So, can love conquer all? Not for me anymore LOL. I don't want to discuss what I do with someone else all day.

I feel for you. I can understand wanting to see him more. I hope you guys can figure out something that will work for both of you.
I couldn't have said it better. Can't rep you again - gotta spread it around.

Anyway, been there, done that. It can and may change the dynamics of your relationship. In fact, I'm watching that happen right now with a friend and her new husband - married and retired all within a few weeks after years of a LDR. You just don't always know someone until you live with them . . . sometimes for quite awhile until the bloom is off the rose, so to speak.

One other thing to consider . . . be sure you define the financial guidelines of how this will work if you share habitation - especially if he is going to be living in your home. I can't stress this enough. Also, if you are in a common-law marriage state (and I believe NH is for probate purposes) be sure you have your ducks in a row. Perhaps even put your assets in a trust?

Back to the day to day financial thing ---- who is paying for what? Will you split the normal household expenses? And how? We split all the utilities down the middle. Groceries were interesting as we both had medically unique diets. So each month I'd go over the bills and split the common items and then itemize his and mine - then charge him back for his exclusive items. And on and on. We kept separate bank accounts and he just wrote me a check monthly for his share. And when we traveled he made the arrangements, resos, etc., and billed me for my share. So I wrote him a check, etc. Keep a paper trail.

He offered to split the property taxes but I declined. I didn't want him to feel he had any claim to any property should something happen to me. So I paid the taxes and he paid for all of our restaurant and entertainment bills. Came out about the same on a monthly basis and made him feel as though he was "the man".

I received most of my advice on how to navigate this situation from my uncle who was a trust attorney. After my aunt passed and he connected with an old family friend on a romantic level, this was how they conducted their relationship.

I hope I came across as realistic, not negative. I mean this advice in the best possible way and wish you many years of happiness!
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