From long-distance relationship to living together in retirement ... anyone?

[johngolf]

The financial aspect is interesting and true. I know several older/retired couples that talked about marriage and/or living together. When push came to shove, and all the cards went on the table, in several cases one did not have as much to bring as they had said. The other realized they would be supporting the other and at least some smartened up and called it off. One did not, but he could afford to support her so he went along...at least for now.

[in_newengland]

I'd say buy a duplex or one of those big old houses in Maine and have separate apartments in it. Or, you can each buy a small place in Maine. You would each be starting anew and Maine is such a wonderful state for retirement. When I was in my early 60s I was going out with a man who'd been married FIVE times and said he never wanted to get married again. He wanted to live separately and just go on dates.

That was fine. He turned out to be a big jerk though.

But then I met dh online. He was living in England and he came over here for a visit. I never thought we'd hit it off but we did. He went through the immigration process and we got married. We both like being married and he's easy going and just fun to be around. But that's US and we are the marrying type. We cook together, garden together, but I can go off to a friend's house for a few days and it's fine. He can go off with his golfing pals and that's fine.

In my case, there was no choice except to marry the man--immigration only works if you get married within (was it 30 days of permanent residency.)

You have the choice to live near him but not with him. I'd say go for it.

[karen_in_nh_2012]

Hi, all, I'm back again. So much to think about. I really appreciate the additional replies ...

Originally Posted by Larry Siegel

My wife and I were together about 2/3 of the time while I was working and, now that I am retired, we are still together about 2/3 of the time. We have a house in Chicago and a rented apartment in San Diego. We adore each other but have very different interests and friends.

That sounds pretty good ... although for us it would be "together about 1/12 of the time" pre-retirement and I doubt that he would go along with that AFTER retirement.

Originally Posted by movinon

One other thing to consider . . . be sure you define the financial guidelines of how this will work if you share habitation - especially if he is going to be living in your home. I can't stress this enough. ...

I hope I came across as realistic, not negative. I mean this advice in the best possible way and wish you many years of happiness!

Movinon, you definitely sound realistic -- I didn't take anything you wrote negatively! We haven't had many conversations about finances, but of course we would have to if he were to move in. Neither one of us is a big spender, at all, so I expect we wouldn't have TOO many issues, but you never know.

Originally Posted by in_newengland

I'd say buy a duplex or one of those big old houses in Maine and have separate apartments in it. Or, you can each buy a small place in Maine. You would each be starting anew and Maine is such a wonderful state for retirement. When I was in my early 60s I was going out with a man who'd been married FIVE times and said he never wanted to get married again. He wanted to live separately and just go on dates.

That was fine. He turned out to be a big jerk though.

But then I met dh online. He was living in England and he came over here for a visit. I never thought we'd hit it off but we did. He went through the immigration process and we got married. We both like being married and he's easy going and just fun to be around. But that's US and we are the marrying type. We cook together, garden together, but I can go off to a friend's house for a few days and it's fine. He can go off with his golfing pals and that's fine.

In my case, there was no choice except to marry the man--immigration only works if you get married within (was it 30 days of permanent residency.)

You have the choice to live near him but not with him. I'd say go for it.

In_newengland, sometimes I think that I will just run off to England and start over after retirement. (I have dual citizenship through my mom, who is English.) OTOH, that might be too isolating even for me -- trying to start over and make new friends in my mid- to late 60s. I realize it's just a silly dream that I have when I just want to GET AWAY.

Sometimes I wonder if I love my sweetie enough, or if I just love being in an LDR with him so he is not "around" all the time. (Sounds awful when I put it like that, though.) I am trying to be realistic. I'm not 25 any more. There have only been 2 men in my life where, when I thought about living with them and waking up with them EVERY DAY FOREVER, I didn't feel like running screaming from the room ... which of course says more about me than about any man I've been with. The most recent of those relationships was 15 years ago. Maybe I should wait for another relationship where I feel THAT strongly about him -- but I have to realize that at my age it's not likely that I will find that, so I'd have to be OK with being alone (which I think I am).

<sigh> I am glad we have years before we HAVE to figure out what we want to do. I am confusing myself about some of my musings about this!

Anyway, thanks again for the additional replies ... reps to all I can!

[meo92953]

Would it be possible to buy a side-by-side and have a connecting door put in? You would each have your own side but able to see the other. If it didn't work you could sell it and either close up the entrance or rent it as two connecting houses.