U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 04-03-2016, 10:33 PM
 
444 posts, read 281,483 times
Reputation: 2922

Advertisements

The doctor is a good suggestion, based on my father's history. At my mother's request, his doc stopped in to have a heart to heart with him three years ago. The doc explained that with his medical condition, he could black out with no warning, and did he really want to risk taking innocent people out with him? The doctor then said with no equivocation that it was time to stop driving. Not just a suggestion or recommendation, but it's time to stop. My father gave up driving then and there. It did help that I was recently retired and available to drive him and my mother wherever they wanted to go, but had that not been the case, some of your plans would have become our plans. Best wishes to you all.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-04-2016, 03:47 AM
 
Location: Northern Maine
9,776 posts, read 14,950,949 times
Reputation: 9588
In Newport, NH, many years ago, a man named Sylvester Kiggins came into the courthouse basement and sat on the bench with the teenagers. The DMV tester asked Vesty, "Can I help you, Sir?"

Vesty said, "I'm going to be 100 years old next week and I shouldn't be driving. I came to turn in my license." He never had an accident or violation. He used to pick up the old widows and take them to court whist parties. That is an old time card game that is mostly forgotten today, like Vesty.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2016, 04:14 AM
 
12,692 posts, read 14,074,796 times
Reputation: 34800
[quote=bodyforlife99;43587843.... We are trying to structure the conversation so that he understands we are there to help and to give him options so he doesn't feel his freedom and independence is being taken away. [/quote]

Sounds like his family does need to talk to him.

However, we need to be honest: regardless of the good intentions, his daughters ARE trying to take away his freedom and independence, and offering a bouquet of substitutes doesn't change that. He will not have the freedom that he did in the past, and that's a fact. It will be a big blow to his sense of himself - probably, unless he feels that he has a driving problem.

Yes, he may "put up resistance." Giving up a driving license, having to have daily help intrude into one's personal environment, being taken out of one's home and put in a residence, etc.- these are losses of freedom, autonomy - however necessary they may be. And in my observation and experience a great many who have to "submit" to these (necessary) measures really feel that a huge chunk of themselves has been cut out, and feel that they have been brutalized. My mother was fine with all these things - because she made the choice, my aunt (her sister) was not, nor was my paternal grandmother.

The big work may be dealing with him after the license - one way or another, is finally yanked.

His daughters will see their father protected, he may very well see himself as being badly used and diminished. And a lot of work may have to be done to repair relationships.

Quote:
My wife and her sisters will be having the talk with him this upcoming weekend. We're just wondering what avenue to take next if he puts up resistance.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
You've gotten many suggestions. I hope things go well. And my best wishes for the family relationships after his license has been taken away.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2016, 05:10 AM
 
Location: Full time in the RV
2,867 posts, read 6,406,104 times
Reputation: 2420
At license renewal time my wife took my dad to the DMV.

The clerk, who had been prepped beforehand, told him he did not qualify for renewal due to medical issues.

She gave him an ID card instead and said he was welcome to reapply if his medical issues improved.

Dad never mentioned it again.

I think having a neutral party framing the talk within some rules that apply to everyone helped. This way it is not so personalized and the fault of the family.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2016, 05:15 AM
 
6,253 posts, read 4,728,813 times
Reputation: 12838
I have seen plenty of cyclists drive like crazy fools. It does not sound like there is any indication that the FIL was at fault. Braking early due to depth perception issues sounds like nonsense. Does your FIL have a problem seeing? If so, it is time for a visit to the eye doc. Even if he can only see out of one eye, he can qualify for a drivers license. I am willing to bet he is braking "early" because he has become more cautious and his reflexes are slowly down. That is not necessarily an issue. I see plenty of young fools on the road who drive poorly and do not understand basic traffic regulations. An older driver can be a lot safer even with slower reflexes.


Sometimes well intentioned people need to mind their own business.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2016, 06:57 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,735,102 times
Reputation: 32304
Quote:
Originally Posted by jrkliny View Post
I have seen plenty of cyclists drive like crazy fools. It does not sound like there is any indication that the FIL was at fault. Braking early due to depth perception issues sounds like nonsense. Does your FIL have a problem seeing? If so, it is time for a visit to the eye doc. Even if he can only see out of one eye, he can qualify for a drivers license. I am willing to bet he is braking "early" because he has become more cautious and his reflexes are slowly down. That is not necessarily an issue. I see plenty of young fools on the road who drive poorly and do not understand basic traffic regulations. An older driver can be a lot safer even with slower reflexes.


Sometimes well intentioned people need to mind their own business.
The wife and her sisters agree that their father should no longer be driving, and this is not based solely on the incident with the bicyclist. They know their father and you do not.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2016, 07:30 AM
 
Location: Nebraska
4,234 posts, read 7,265,184 times
Reputation: 6700
It is very difficult for anyone that has driven for many years to admit and accept the fact that there will be a time when it is time to quit driving because of the concern for the safety for other drivers.

Just over one year ago I was having pain in my hip that made it impossible for me to ride my motorcycle safely. I sold my motorcycle and for the first time in almost sixty years I did not own a motorcycle. About two weeks later I had a Cortisone injection in that hip and almost immediately my hip was not hurting and I could have started riding again. I haven't bought another two wheeler but I am considering, very seriously, building or buying a three wheeler. I will have to have eye cataract surgery somewhere in the future so I may be able to drive for many more years, health permitting. It would be difficult to give it up. One thing to keep in mind is the reality of a physical ailment is a lot easier to face than the loss of mental acuity. I am aware of my physical ailments but if I have mental issues would they be obvious to me? Maybe to others but probably not to me. But then people have been telling me I am crazy since I was a kid. What do they know?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2016, 07:38 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,164 posts, read 20,464,230 times
Reputation: 26443
When it was time for my dad to stop driving, my parents did not think it was time. My dad had been spending all day lost sometimes, had ended up in a city 80 miles away, had called the police because he couldn't make his car turn off (it wasn't in park), was parking in places that were not parking spots. But my mom was still working, and it was more convenient to her to have him driving so he could take himself to doctor's appointments (not that he could remember what was discussed at those appointments) and to the store, even though he could only remember to pick up two items at a time.

So I reported my dad to the state as an unsafe driver, because I was afraid he'd hurt someone or get really lost. The state sent a letter to my dad asking him to come in and talk about his license, but since it was just asking him to come in and not saying he had to, my mom threw it away and ignored it.

Then my dad sneaked out while my mom was asleep and drove the wrong way on the highway, then had a bit of a police chase, drove through some fields and finally stopped. The police brought him home and impounded the car. My husband and I took my parents to get the car from the impound lot and my husband told my mom that she needed to admit that it was time for my dad to stop driving, that it was really lucky that he hadn't had an accident or been hurt by the police.

There have been a few times since then when my mom has insisted that she's sure that my dad would do fine driving and that she thinks it would be good for him to start driving again as long as she's in the car to give him directions. I just tell her that's plain nuts and to please make some sort of provisions for his care if something happens to her, if she's going to let him drive again, so that if he gets in a wreck and she dies, we won't be scrambling to make care arrangements for him at the last minute.

My point is that it's never an easy decision or discussion for families, but if you and your sisters know that it's time, then you'll all feel better once it's done.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2016, 08:21 AM
 
10,604 posts, read 14,199,749 times
Reputation: 17203
It's a manslaughter charge if he were to have killed that biker.

The LAW does not care about his "feelings".

He could go to jail for a minimum of many years for some of those type of FELONIES.

Google and SHOW HIM - there's MANY!

And it doesn't matter if he SAYS the biker made the mistake, either. Not without a witness.

If he's going to be noncompliant and you REFUSE to do anything, then put one of those cameras on his car that videos everything.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2016, 08:39 AM
 
16,720 posts, read 14,695,871 times
Reputation: 41122
Quote:
Originally Posted by jrkliny View Post
Sometimes well intentioned people need to mind their own business.

As should people who have never dealt with this kind of thing and don't have a clue whether this man can truthfully drive or not, while his family does.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top