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Old 04-04-2016, 08:57 AM
 
3,631 posts, read 7,259,586 times
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My mother was angry at when I took her car away. She has Alzheimer's and just telling her not to drive was not going to be enough.

I would far rather have my mother safe but angry than lost and possibly hurt.

Not easy not necessary.
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Old 04-04-2016, 09:04 AM
 
5,935 posts, read 6,752,773 times
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So, Dad had a brush with a bicyclist, which may or may not have been Dad's "fault".


What other specific signs do you have that Dad can no longer handle driving? Not YOUR thoughts/nervousness, but real facts...blind, deaf, no reactions, memory, etc.?


I would be very hesitant to take away Dad's freedom/independence unless there are specific reasons to do so.


If, indeed, you have objective criteria to pull his license, many times your family Dr. is your friend. In some states a medical release is necessary after a certain age. If the individual cannot pass a physical, the doc will not sign off on the license renewal application.


It is a very objective and simple way to ease Dad out of driving without any hard feelings or guilt trip . Check it out in your state and your problem, if indeed there is a problem, will be solved in a very simple, professional manner.
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Old 04-04-2016, 01:27 PM
 
1,099 posts, read 667,946 times
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Just want to say thanks for all the comments. The couple of comments about a parent driving around aimlessly and getting lost was the story with my father (we eventually found out he had dementia...that was a tough year and a half until he passed but he certainly got all the care he needed, which I am thankful for).

I limited the scope of my original post but I certainly trust my wife and her sisters on their assessment. The biker thing was just the catalyst that got the ball rolling. He's been driving up on curbs for a little bit now, having numerous close calls due to his bad reaction time, and the like. And I don't think it's a good thing to be stopping 10-15 feet from a limit line (it really doesn't matter if it's the person's fault who rear ends him...he's still going to get hurt). And runswithscissors is absolutely right on his comment and the manslaughter charge. Bicyclists are a "protected group" in SF. If you hit someone with a bike, you better hope that someone witnesses, and hopefully, has a videotape of the incident because that's a "guilty until proven innocent" deal here. If you don't have the skills to be a "defensive" driver, I think you've got a problem (and he appears to have lost those skills). I think to myself that if a kid ran out in the middle of the street 100 feet away, the average driver could slam on brakes and miss him. There's no way anyone could convince me, based on my observations, that my Father-in-law wouldn't take the kid out.

I am intrigued by the reporting of an unsafe driver to the DMV suggestion. After what just happened with the bicyclist, (he made Dad wait with him for an hour and a half because he called the police and claimed he was a victim of hit-and-run), he would never suspect that it was his daughters that reported him (clearly he would think it's the bicyclist). The problem is, the same thing could happen to us as borninsac (he passes the test), and then where are you? It's a bit of a gamble but I presented it to my wife after reading it and I'll let her and her sisters make the decision on it.
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Old 04-04-2016, 05:04 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,161 posts, read 17,469,326 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by runswithscissors View Post
It's a manslaughter charge if he were to have killed that biker.

The LAW does not care about his "feelings".

He could go to jail for a minimum of many years for some of those type of FELONIES.

Google and SHOW HIM - there's MANY!

And it doesn't matter if he SAYS the biker made the mistake, either. Not without a witness.

If he's going to be noncompliant and you REFUSE to do anything, then put one of those cameras on his car that videos everything.

I do want to make a comment about the driving of people that you know are unsafe drivers. If you feel that their driving is unsafe please, please take their car keys away.

Last year an elderly man in our community ran head on into another car and killed an entire family including the parents and two young children. He was in his early 80s and the courts sent him to prison.

His family said that they knew that he was unsafe behind the wheel but did not want to "hurt his feelings" and discuss his dangerous driving with him. Now four people are dead and he is in prison. I can't emphasize that enough, his family KNEW that he was unsafe, none of his family members would ride in the car when he was driving and his adult children refused to let him drive his grandchildren. But, because they did not to "hurt his feelings" an entire family is dead and he was sent to prison for vehicular homicide.

I am very sorry if I sound harsh, but innocent children and other families share the road with your father and other dangerous drivers.

I know it would add to your work if you, or someone else had to drive him, or he would have to pay someone to drive him, but how would you feel if it was your children that were killed by him in a car accident?

Call the police or DMV, anonymously and tell them that a "neighbor" appears to be an unsafe driver and should have a retest. Or call his doctor.

Good luck to you and to everyone to has to face this issue.


BTW, if you are unsure about someone's skills behind the wheel you can take them to an adaptive driving specialist (usually an Occupational Therapist who is also a driving instructor) and they can give the person various assessments that test reaction time, amount of pressure needed to apply the brakes on a car, visual tests and also simulations of emergency situations.


In addition, if the person passes all of those things the driving instructor will give them an extensive behind the wheel driving test. When my husband did this, it took several hours and was much more detailed than the test that the DMV gives. After all, the DMV does not have the equipment to test reaction times, pressure needed to brake or simulated emergency situations.

Last edited by germaine2626; 04-04-2016 at 05:20 PM..
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Old 04-04-2016, 06:13 PM
 
1,099 posts, read 667,946 times
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I couldn't agree more, Germaine. As stated in the initial post..."we don't want him to be the guy on CNN that just took out 20 people waiting in line for a show." You don't sound harsh at all and you're absolutely right about "innocent children and other families share the road with your father and other dangerous drivers."

Well said!

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Old 04-04-2016, 08:23 PM
 
Location: North West Arkansas (zone 6b)
2,673 posts, read 2,030,305 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wit-nit View Post
Talk to the family doctor. He may be persuasive. He also can contact the MVD and request his license to be pulled. Then the responsibility is off of you and the family.
Yes, my friend is a geriatric physician and she takes away driving privileges often.
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Old 04-05-2016, 11:57 AM
mlb
 
Location: North Monterey County
3,218 posts, read 2,876,748 times
Reputation: 4941
You need to physically take the car away. We had dad's internist tell him to stop. Had his license expire. He continued to drive.

We drove with him and it was horrible. At the same time he was having syncopal episodes from his kidney disease. Passing out in stores.

MIL also drove but preferred to have dad drive... she KNEW she was in trouble behind the wheel.

We did anonymously contact CA DMV and had mother pulled in for an exam. She passed the written - but failed the behind the wheel. It was then we moved them into assisted living. Dad was dead in 7 months from a massive heart attack.

Not only could they have killed someone and themselves? They would have lost their life savings which would have put my MIL out on the street - or worse yet - under my roof.
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Old 04-05-2016, 03:07 PM
 
Location: VT; previously MD & NJ
2,238 posts, read 1,373,706 times
Reputation: 6500
If you take away the drivers license, be sure to get a state photo ID card to replace it. Whether for voting, getting on a plane, or just having ID if a medical issue arises and the person is taken to a hospital, or if anyone else asks for ID for whatever stupid reason some places do these days.
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Old 04-05-2016, 03:20 PM
 
Location: Colorado Springs
4,883 posts, read 4,997,623 times
Reputation: 17424
Both my mother who was 78 and my father in law who was 83 quit driving when we asked. They had both suffered an "event".

She was not able to see well enough, backed over her mail box and he had received a ticket for going the wrong way on a one way street.

In both cases, the family members offered to drive them when necessary. That's one advantage to having elders live close by.

You might be surprised. They might know it's time.

As for me, within 15 years I expect to be able to summon a self driving car.
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Old 04-05-2016, 03:48 PM
mlb
 
Location: North Monterey County
3,218 posts, read 2,876,748 times
Reputation: 4941
Quote:
Originally Posted by ansible90 View Post
If you take away the drivers license, be sure to get a state photo ID card to replace it. Whether for voting, getting on a plane, or just having ID if a medical issue arises and the person is taken to a hospital, or if anyone else asks for ID for whatever stupid reason some places do these days.
Another option is a passport card - which costs $30.

It probably will be a good thing to have when flying domestically.... as an ID.
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