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Old 04-12-2016, 06:40 PM
 
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Adult children probably often oppose having their mother dumped by their father, usually for a younger woman....but probably not to the point of becoming completely estranged from their father, although I bet it often can put quite a strain on the father-children relationships.

I'd be surprised if some resentments from the children did not remain, even if unspoken.

Last edited by matisse12; 04-12-2016 at 07:00 PM..
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Old 04-12-2016, 07:31 PM
 
Location: too far from the sea
19,894 posts, read 18,907,505 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
Adult children probably often oppose having their mother dumped by their father, usually for a younger woman....but probably not to the point of becoming completely estranged from their father, although I bet it often can put quite a strain on the father-children relationships.

I'd be surprised if some resentments from the children did not remain, even if unspoken.
It hasn't with my husband. We went back to see his son in the UK and were welcomed, practically wined and dined. Of course, the son has broken with the mother anyway--doesn't like her any more than dh likes her. I was not a younger woman though; I'm exactly the same age as the ex. It's the daughter who is now estranged--from her brother, from her dad. She is a gold digger and at first she was all for him coming over here and marrying me because, as she said, it means free trips for her. Then she decided to get married and she wanted dh to pay for a huge wedding in the Caribbean! And fly her and her guests! He declined and she's mad. We don't care at all--she's divorced now and has another rich guy anyway.
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Old 04-12-2016, 08:08 PM
 
Location: Columbus, OH
915 posts, read 682,780 times
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My mom is divorcing her husband. She will be 70 next month. He is 63. My father died about 24 years ago. She remarried about 10 years ago. Her husband now is very cheap. He treats her more like roommate. Making her pay for her stuff. They live in her original home in Cleveland. They also have a house in Tucson, AZ.

She gave him plenty of chances. Offered to to go therapy with him, but he refused. Her house needs a new furnace. But he said she has to pay for it. Now my mom doesn't have a ton of money. She will have to scrape the money together somehow. Now he has money, as he still works. But he only uses coupons, refuses to use parking meters, make her walk 2 miles because he is too cheap to feed a meter downtown. Then he invited his own family, 2 kids, and their 3 children, over for 5 days in a tiny house. Didn't even ask my mom, just invited them, and expected my mom to cook and clean for them, at age 69. Very unthoughtful. That was the last straw.

Anyway, my mom is scared. She regrets marrying him. At almost 70, she now has to worry about a long divorce process which may get dragged out for years. The husband is cheap, like I said. He may drag his feet so he can keep his money. Making things worse, he has a ton of money in a trust. So that is untouchable. He never shared a penny of that with my mom. Now she is not a gold-digger. She tried everything to make this work. But he doesn't love her. And now she can't take it anymore.

She is worried about a nursing home down the road. She is fairly active now, but she feels by 80, she will be in a home. But she doesn't have a ton of money. And at $5k or more a month, she could only afford about 9 months in a home. She could pay $250/m for nursing home insurance now, but she says she cannot afford this on her own. I think she could, but I am not going to pry into her financial specifics.

I feel bad for her. She didn't deserve this, but what can she do? Her husband does not treat her like a wife. Unfortunately, even a divorce will not make her whole again. Because of his trust, she cannot get much money from him. Not that she is after a pot of gold, but just what she should be entitled to after how he has treated her.

Any thoughts? Sorry for the rant.
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Old 04-12-2016, 09:23 PM
 
Location: too far from the sea
19,894 posts, read 18,907,505 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jbeechuk View Post
My mom is divorcing her husband. She will be 70 next month. He is 63. My father died about 24 years ago. She remarried about 10 years ago. Her husband now is very cheap. He treats her more like roommate. Making her pay for her stuff. They live in her original home in Cleveland. They also have a house in Tucson, AZ.

She gave him plenty of chances. Offered to to go therapy with him, but he refused. Her house needs a new furnace. But he said she has to pay for it. Now my mom doesn't have a ton of money. She will have to scrape the money together somehow. Now he has money, as he still works. But he only uses coupons, refuses to use parking meters, make her walk 2 miles because he is too cheap to feed a meter downtown. Then he invited his own family, 2 kids, and their 3 children, over for 5 days in a tiny house. Didn't even ask my mom, just invited them, and expected my mom to cook and clean for them, at age 69. Very unthoughtful. That was the last straw.

Anyway, my mom is scared. She regrets marrying him. At almost 70, she now has to worry about a long divorce process which may get dragged out for years. The husband is cheap, like I said. He may drag his feet so he can keep his money. Making things worse, he has a ton of money in a trust. So that is untouchable. He never shared a penny of that with my mom. Now she is not a gold-digger. She tried everything to make this work. But he doesn't love her. And now she can't take it anymore.

She is worried about a nursing home down the road. She is fairly active now, but she feels by 80, she will be in a home. But she doesn't have a ton of money. And at $5k or more a month, she could only afford about 9 months in a home. She could pay $250/m for nursing home insurance now, but she says she cannot afford this on her own. I think she could, but I am not going to pry into her financial specifics.

I feel bad for her. She didn't deserve this, but what can she do? Her husband does not treat her like a wife. Unfortunately, even a divorce will not make her whole again. Because of his trust, she cannot get much money from him. Not that she is after a pot of gold, but just what she should be entitled to after how he has treated her.

Any thoughts? Sorry for the rant.
It wasn't a rant and it's a very sad story. I hope this jerk doesn't try to take her house or her money. In a lot of states divorce is 50/50 so he would get 1/2 of everything she owns. At her age she shouldn't have to go through something stressful like this. Maybe someone has some advice but I don't know. I just wish her the best.
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Old 04-12-2016, 10:02 PM
 
Location: Columbus, OH
915 posts, read 682,780 times
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Originally Posted by in_newengland View Post
It wasn't a rant and it's a very sad story. I hope this jerk doesn't try to take her house or her money. In a lot of states divorce is 50/50 so he would get 1/2 of everything she owns. At her age she shouldn't have to go through something stressful like this. Maybe someone has some advice but I don't know. I just wish her the best.
He only can get 1/6 of her home value (that he also lives in), because she owned it already. And they have a home is Tucson, AZ, in both of their names. But he paid for most of it out of his trust, who she is only able to get a small percentage of that value. Almost a wash, really. He has a lot more money than she has. It's a sad situation. He doesn't want her house anyway, he has the Arizona home that he will be moving to permanently very soon.
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Old 04-12-2016, 11:04 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Jbeechuk View Post
He only can get 1/6 of her home value (that he also lives in), because she owned it already. And they have a home is Tucson, AZ, in both of their names. But he paid for most of it out of his trust, who she is only able to get a small percentage of that value. Almost a wash, really. He has a lot more money than she has. It's a sad situation. He doesn't want her house anyway, he has the Arizona home that he will be moving to permanently very soon.
I'm so sorry your mother is going through this.

If she owned her house already, then shouldn't her home be excluded from marital property? I thought that marital property was only what you acquired/earned during the years you were married.

Another thought: You said she married about 10 years ago. If she is close to the ten year mark but not quite there yet, it might be worth it for her to make it to 10 years officially.

I say might because it's only worth it if she thinks that she might want to claim benefits on her soon-to-be ex-husband's earning record. If claiming the spousal benefit on her ex-husband's earning record would be worth more than claiming on her own earning record, then 10 years is the minimum you must be married to claim spousal benefit.

Also, if she outlives him, then she can claim the entire SS benefit that he was receiving.

He sounds like an inconsiderate user. Her life will probably be better without him.
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Old 04-13-2016, 07:06 AM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,911 posts, read 2,885,095 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
Adult children probably often oppose having their mother dumped by their father, usually for a younger woman....but probably not to the point of becoming completely estranged from their father, although I bet it often can put quite a strain on the father-children relationships.

I'd be surprised if some resentments from the children did not remain, even if unspoken.
My brother dumped his wife for a same age woman and tried to paint it as his ex-wife's fault, fooling no one. He and his lover (now wife) were a known item in their not very large town. But anyone who knew him well (including the kids) was probably more surprised that he stayed married that long than finding out he was leaving her for another. He has that odd "likable rogue" personality. Most of the family was mad at him but no one turned their back on him. He even has the nerve to express resentment that I still take the kids to see their aunt (who they saw more often than him growing up) when I am in town. His kids see him often though he moved about 45 miles away from all the raised eyebrows. The point of all that is that even people with faults can have good family relations. I hope I have raised my kids so that they can get mad at me if I do something they don't like but still keep me in their lives.
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Old 04-13-2016, 01:07 PM
 
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I've never understood the phrase 'I was raised to do such and such' or 'I was not raised that way'.

I developed my own set of ideas, values, judgments, beliefs, political affiliation, stances on important social and political issues when I was 18 and after.

I think you can teach kindness, loving qualities, tolerance, forgiveness, etc....but I still feel that when one is 18 and after one forms his or her own code of living.
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Old 04-13-2016, 01:27 PM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,911 posts, read 2,885,095 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
I've never understood the phrase 'I was raised to do such and such' or 'I was not raised that way'.

I developed my own set of ideas, values, judgments, beliefs, political affiliation, stances on important social and political issues when I was 18 and after.

I think you can teach kindness, loving qualities, tolerance, forgiveness, etc....but I still feel that when one is 18 and after one forms his or her own code of living.
I think most people only modify their core beliefs a little bit as adults. Some people do make significant shifts about what they believe but usually not as significant shifts in how they act on what they believe. At least that has been my experience.

I completely understand those phrases, but maybe I was just raised that way...
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Old 04-13-2016, 04:04 PM
 
Location: Columbus, OH
915 posts, read 682,780 times
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Originally Posted by josie13 View Post
I'm so sorry your mother is going through this.

If she owned her house already, then shouldn't her home be excluded from marital property? I thought that marital property was only what you acquired/earned during the years you were married.

Another thought: You said she married about 10 years ago. If she is close to the ten year mark but not quite there yet, it might be worth it for her to make it to 10 years officially.

I say might because it's only worth it if she thinks that she might want to claim benefits on her soon-to-be ex-husband's earning record. If claiming the spousal benefit on her ex-husband's earning record would be worth more than claiming on her own earning record, then 10 years is the minimum you must be married to claim spousal benefit.

Also, if she outlives him, then she can claim the entire SS benefit that he was receiving.

He sounds like an inconsiderate user. Her life will probably be better without him.
She owned her house before she even met him, but a certain loophole, I can't remember the exact term I am thinking of, means he is entitled to 1/6 of the home's value. Maybe it's just an Ohio thing. Her house isn't worth a whole lot, regardless.

Another thing is about his earnings. She can probably get spousal support, or alimony from him. I am not sure which is the correct term. But he can retire any time he wants now. And she was informed once retired, he will not be required to pay her a penny. He will probably just retire, so he does not have to pay her anything.

She was told in Ohio, that divorces can take 18-24 months sometimes to get finalized.
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