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Old 04-06-2016, 04:25 AM
 
619 posts, read 367,500 times
Reputation: 1636

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Y first question is what are you doing to avoid divorce? Divorce or separation should be your last step. I'm not opposed to divorce, heck, I myself an divorced, but to me it should be a last resort (unless you're dealing with abuse or addiction or a gay spouse trapped in a heterosexual marriage).

You are correct that it takes two people to fix the relationship but my advice to you would be to start with the fixing first. Find a therapist and get to work.
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Old 04-06-2016, 06:27 AM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,911 posts, read 2,886,041 times
Reputation: 6291
I do need to push on therapy. We have talked about it and are in apparent agreement about seeing someone but haven't looked for anyone yet. One thing that is a little spooky is we saw someone we were pleased with several years ago and while she helped and is still in practice here, we can't use her because of "ground rules" she has about who she will see again. Neither of us has strayed; it's more about other measures of relationship health, specifically the amount of time we have put up with it being like it is now. The way she put it is that if we allowed this to happen then she failed so we should see someone else.

Last edited by ReachTheBeach; 04-06-2016 at 07:27 AM..
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Old 04-06-2016, 07:56 AM
 
5,922 posts, read 6,735,077 times
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I went through the divorce from hell during my 50's. I made her wealthy, and she thought "now" was the time to take the money and run.


Bitter, angry, nasty lawyer who pulled every dirty trick in the book. Divorce took over two years, and basically I lost everything. Legal fees ran into the hundreds of thousands.


But I was out of an abusive, unloving (and ultimately uncaring) relationship.


For me ( a LONG story) but I was reunited with my soul mate and the last decade has been beyond wonderful.


For her, I hear she is broke, alone, no friends and miserable. I will be honest and say that it gives me great satisfaction after what she pulled during the divorce.


Bottom line: If you are unhappy, regardless of the age, move along. Two REASONABLE people can split things down the middle (including retirement plans) and get on with their lives. No reason to hang around where you are not wanted/unhappy. Life is too short for that nonsense.
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Old 04-06-2016, 08:24 AM
 
Location: SW Corner of CT
1,952 posts, read 1,544,369 times
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Guess I'm a lucky guy. Wife and I have been together for 36 years. She went thru "the change" early, and things cooled off, but we accept it as part of life, and still love each other more than day one.....never leave without a kiss, and steal one or two here and there....never hang up the phone without an "I love you". We've both have gotten a little grayer, put on some pounds, but the power of love sees thru everything, and sees what really matters.....each other.
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Old 04-06-2016, 08:42 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,684 posts, read 17,640,506 times
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My uncle has gone through this at 59. Pretty well off guy beforehand, easily will be out over a million between alimony, legal fees, house for the wife, etc. Horrible situation.
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Old 04-06-2016, 08:56 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,524,402 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ted Bear View Post
For her, I hear she is broke, alone, no friends and miserable. I will be honest and say that it gives me great satisfaction after what she pulled during the divorce.
Sorry to hear that!

I, too, went through a divorce from hell after 25 years and the ex then made a 12 year career of alienating me from my children for whom I paid four figure support every month. Suffice it to say she was never anything less than nasty and as divisive as anyone cold possibly be.

She remarried immediately when the divorce was blessedly final and immediately spent those portions of my pension fund and 401(k) she received in settlement. Sadly, her new husband, whom she had met months before she left me, was killed in an automobile accident after three years. My wife (I remarried later) and I offered to help her in any way we could but of course were ignored. Not long thereafter she lapsed into early-onset dementia at age 46 and has been institutionalized for the past seven or eight years. Several times before the ex became Social Security Disability, Medicare and Medicaid eligible my wife and I helped pay for her hospitalization to take some of the burden off my children.

My point is this, nothing is gained by relishing the misfortune of someone, especially not someone you once loved. It simply diminishes you, conjures up bad feelings crowds out more pleasant emotions and energy. I firmly believe it can also come back to bite you.

I have no reason to want anything to do with the ex but she is, after all, the mother of my children and for that alone is worthy of regard. Also, it rests easy on my mind and that is priceless. Give it a try.
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Old 04-06-2016, 09:00 AM
 
1,504 posts, read 633,140 times
Reputation: 1362
The gradual disconnection from my wife of 25 years took place after the age of 60...she was 10 years younger. Now after not living with her for the last few years. I am with someone new...she is freshly divorced. She is 20 years my junior....I have never been loved and respected in all my life as I am by this fine woman. It took me a life time to run into the right partner. To bad my time is limited - I have marital bliss FINALLY - better late than never. I did my duty and raised four children...now it is my turn. My eldest daughter calls me selfish...SO WHAT!
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Old 04-06-2016, 10:17 AM
 
5,400 posts, read 6,550,585 times
Reputation: 10477
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Sorry to hear that!

I, too, went through a divorce from hell after 25 years and the ex then made a 12 year career of alienating me from my children for whom I paid four figure support every month. Suffice it to say she was never anything less than nasty and as divisive as anyone cold possibly be.

She remarried immediately when the divorce was blessedly final and immediately spent those portions of my pension fund and 401(k) she received in settlement. Sadly, her new husband, whom she had met months before she left me, was killed in an automobile accident after three years. My wife (I remarried later) and I offered to help her in any way we could but of course were ignored. Not long thereafter she lapsed into early-onset dementia at age 46 and has been institutionalized for the past seven or eight years. Several times before the ex became Social Security Disability, Medicare and Medicaid eligible my wife and I helped pay for her hospitalization to take some of the burden off my children.

My point is this, nothing is gained by relishing the misfortune of someone, especially not someone you once loved. It simply diminishes you, conjures up bad feelings crowds out more pleasant emotions and energy. I firmly believe it can also come back to bite you.

I have no reason to want anything to do with the ex but she is, after all, the mother of my children and for that alone is worthy of regard. Also, it rests easy on my mind and that is priceless. Give it a try.
Curmudgeon I agree so entirely.

nuff said
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Old 04-06-2016, 02:35 PM
 
137 posts, read 132,518 times
Reputation: 215
Good luck with that. Most guys I know going through a divorce in these tough economic times literally end up in the poor house.
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Old 04-06-2016, 04:06 PM
 
673 posts, read 2,030,355 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mass Transit user View Post
Good luck with that. Most guys I know going through a divorce in these tough economic times literally end up in the poor house.
Good luck with that. Most women I know going through a divorce in these tough economic times literally end up in the poor house.
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