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Old 04-07-2016, 08:05 AM
 
6,321 posts, read 5,061,406 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ashpelham View Post
People change. I would not expect everything to be the same after 20 years of marriage, 30 years, 40 years and so forth. It is not the end of the world, though it might feel like it to one or both of the people involved.
Isn't that the truth!

A relative's in-law divorced after almost 50 years of marriage. Everyone was surprised. She then told us living with the guy was hell. All about him. And his family (all boys) is like that so no surprise. But what does a young 17/18 year old female know. I ran into him and he told me all his stories - doesn't let you speak at all. Anyway he said that she had told him that she had wanted to marry him ever since she was 8 or 9 years old - so of course he was shocked when she filed. He never changed and she didn't know any better.

Another relative gushes about their upcoming 50th. You would think they were all lovey dovey, but she also says she can't stand when he is around. What the heck. Is it all about just the title of being married??

I've been married twice and after a few years knew it was time to hit the road.
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Old 04-07-2016, 08:19 AM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,911 posts, read 2,880,277 times
Reputation: 6291
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
Another relative gushes about their upcoming 50th. You would think they were all lovey dovey, but she also says she can't stand when he is around. What the heck. Is it all about just the title of being married??
Sometimes I think so. That's why I asked some follow-up questions about the situations where people separate but don't divorce. I think my wife wants to stay married even if we don't resolve our problems. I really hope we resolve them but I am not sure what I will do if we don't.
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Old 04-07-2016, 09:15 AM
 
6,321 posts, read 5,061,406 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ReachTheBeach View Post
Sometimes I think so. That's why I asked some follow-up questions about the situations where people separate but don't divorce. I think my wife wants to stay married even if we don't resolve our problems. I really hope we resolve them but I am not sure what I will do if we don't.
That is not fair to you, if you want a real marriage relationship and she just wants the security of being married and having someone around.

Has she told you what it is that makes her just want to be married in name only? Doesn't she also want a companion in life?
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Old 04-07-2016, 09:32 AM
 
4,649 posts, read 6,484,851 times
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Has anyone ever divorced their dog? It just sounds like a waste of time to go that long and then divorce.
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Old 04-07-2016, 09:42 AM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,911 posts, read 2,880,277 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
That is not fair to you, if you want a real marriage relationship and she just wants the security of being married and having someone around.

Has she told you what it is that makes her just want to be married in name only? Doesn't she also want a companion in life?
She claims it is from "the change". But I don't think that affects decisions about interest in doing other things together which has also been almost non-existent.

I guess a lot boils down to what you expect from your SO companion at this point in life. IMO, "beer belly" is lucky because they are both happy with the kind of companionship they have now. It isn't just about intimacy but lack of it does seem to magnify other problems.

ETA - You can probably read a lot into it being easier for me to discuss somewhat anonymously with strangers than to discuss it at home. I say "somewhat" as I have no delusions about this being totally off the radar should she go looking for what I have been up to online. Oddly enough, it is a symptom of what is going on that I doubt she will.

Last edited by ReachTheBeach; 04-07-2016 at 10:10 AM..
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Old 04-07-2016, 09:56 AM
 
Location: The State Of California
9,470 posts, read 12,314,875 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LookingatFL View Post
My late MIL and FIL took a different route. They didn't like each other much either. MIL lived in a condo in FL. FIL lived in an apartment in CT. They visited each other every so often and found they could tolerate each other this way. If either had an emergency, the other flew in to help. They had separate friends and separate lives but nothing had to be split. They called it "living apart together". It is not as rare as you might think.
yes that's what I call a open marriage...
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Old 04-07-2016, 11:03 AM
 
761 posts, read 638,772 times
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For me it is all about happiness.
I spent 32 years, mostly miserable, unhappy and alone in a loveless marriage.

How much time do we all have left?
Who knows, there's no expiration date stamped on our foreheads.

But, I would rather be poorer, freer and happier than stay financially secure and miserable.
Same for the soon to be ex-wife.

The important thing to remember is that it's not about how much of your life you've wasted in a bad marriage, but how much time you have left to make yourself happy.

I found a great woman, much younger, and much more full of passion and romance.
If we got married, could it go sour?
Sure....no guarantees that I am aware of.
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Old 04-07-2016, 11:04 AM
 
197 posts, read 161,001 times
Reputation: 1122
Quote:
Originally Posted by beer belly View Post
Still consider myself lucky, and not put so much weight in areas of a relationship that for the most part would destroy other marriages. The point is understanding and acceptance in what life throw your way.....yup, I'm a lucky guy.
If you consider yourself a lucky guy then nothing else, or any one else's opinions are relevant. Good luck to you and your wife.
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Old 04-07-2016, 11:05 AM
 
1,190 posts, read 664,663 times
Reputation: 4124
Quote:
Originally Posted by elliotgb View Post
The only thing I left out was that I think my soon to be ex-wife is a good person.
Unfortunately, I don't think that we were really destined to be together and the spark just wasn't there all the time.


It wasn't for a lack of effort on my part. For work, she traveled quite a bit and I was mostly on my own for long periods of time. Absence did not make the heart grow fonder in our case.


Did I do things wrong and am I at fault to an extent? I sure am.
But I have moved on......not in a big rush to tie another knot....although my GF has already suggested it.
I am taking this one slow.
I wish you all the best but you are very wise not to rush into another marriage. Having your younger GF bring up marriage when you are not even divorced yet raises a big red flag to me. I have seen too many second marriages crash and burn, with devastating financial results especially after the hit of the first divorce.

I have several good friends who wished they had a pre-nup in place before they married again. This goes for both men and women to protect their assets. Guess I have seen too much to be very trusting.
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Old 04-07-2016, 11:15 AM
 
197 posts, read 161,001 times
Reputation: 1122
Quote:
Originally Posted by shamrock4 View Post
I wish you all the best but you are very wise not to rush into another marriage. Having your younger GF bring up marriage when you are not even divorced yet raises a big red flag to me. I have seen too many second marriages crash and burn, with devastating financial results especially after the hit of the first divorce.

I have several good friends who wished they had a pre-nup in place before they married again. This goes for both men and women to protect their assets. Guess I have seen too much to be very trusting.
Perhaps the gf does not want to have an ongoing relationship without the commitment and security of marriage despite elliotgb's inclination in the matter. There are two equal partners in the relationship.If she has started to mention marriage it is evident where she stands in the matter.
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