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Old 04-08-2016, 07:50 PM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,911 posts, read 2,881,013 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cb2008 View Post
I find we need a periodic regrouping to discuss our marriage. Why each of us is unhappy, make needed adjustments in behaviour and response, and move on. After a period of time it requires another tune up.
We used to do "summits" away from home with prepared opening remarks, had general areas we wanted to discuss and set goals to work toward. We were following a formula we learned somewhere. It was fun back then as we were on the same page pretty much all the time. We fell out of the habit after becoming parents. We tried to revive it but the format doesn't work as well when there really are issues we are far apart on.
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Old 04-09-2016, 02:47 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,497,588 times
Reputation: 29076
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
ashpelham,

Those vows said during a marriage ceremony apparently mean nothing and have meant nothing for many decades.....among a large percentage of people in the U.S.....since almost 50 percent of people get divorced....

That figure may have gone down to 46 or 48 percent more recently. And an even larger percentage than 50 percent of 2nd marriages fail.
I vehemently disagree that marriage vows mean nothing. I have one failed marriage under my belt which ended after 25 years when my former wife left for "greener pastures" with a coworker she'd met at her first ever job six months earlier.

When I remarried a few years later I vowed, among other things, to do much better the second time. That was in addition to the "normal" marriage vows we took. I take all of them seriously and have no doubt my wife does as well. We are both well aware that subsequent marriages have high failure rates - this is my second marriage and my wife's third - and are determined that this is the last and lasting one for both of us. Thus far it's lasted nearly 20 years.

Not all of us take vows lightly or with fingers crossed behind our backs.
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Old 04-09-2016, 03:33 PM
 
825 posts, read 565,545 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by petch751 View Post
I think people would avoid it if they could but many times there is one "partner" that has no consideration for the other, as if they actually think that only their happiness matters, the other will just have to realize that. The unhappy partner asks, fights, asks again, practically begging, pleads more and eventually threatens divorce and the other doesn't believe them and continues as they've always done.

Finally the unhappy one starts to give up, they shut up, and the offender is in heaven, they are getting what they want, silence and still don't show consideration. The inconsiderate one is of course happy. Then one day the unhappy one presents the happy one with divorce papers and of course he is shocked even though hes been told many times... go figure. He then makes claims that he'll change. But by then, there is too much resentment, and IF the unhappy one gives it another shot, it typicallly goes back to the way it was before. Sometimes there is too much resentment and the unhappy one can't find it in their heart to believe the other hence divorce.

Sometimes the only thing that can wake the inconsiderate "happy one" up is divorce but then it's too late.

I've see it many times. If you know how to pry the mind of the "happy one" open let everyone in on your secret. Then the marriage can be saved.
Sometimes it works that way. On the other hand, sometimes one spouse never says a word about any alleged discontent and starts meeting people on the Internet for sex, just because he can. There is no asking, no fighting, no discernible lessening of affection or sexual desire for his spouse. Just quiet, secret sneaking around behind his spouse's back. Lots of lying. And then one day the whole sordid story is exposed, out of the blue, and the betrayed spouse hears for the first time, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

This is a story I've heard many times.
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Old 04-09-2016, 03:40 PM
 
Location: Colorado Springs
4,846 posts, read 4,962,112 times
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After reading this string I am so glad that we're still happy together after 44 years.

We each have adapted to our strengths and weaknesses and we accept each other as we are.
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Old 04-09-2016, 04:00 PM
 
Location: Idaho
1,455 posts, read 1,156,701 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post

Those vows said during a marriage ceremony apparently mean nothing and have meant nothing for many decades.....among a large percentage of people in the U.S.....since almost 50 percent of people get divorced....

That figure may have gone down to 46 or 48 percent more recently. And an even larger percentage than 50 percent of 2nd marriages fail.
Actually, the divorce figure has gone down quite a bit for people who got married in the 90's or later

The Truth About The Divorce Rate Is Surprisingly Optimistic

Quote:
About 70 percent of marriages that began in the 1990s reached their 15th anniversary, up from roughly 65 percent of those that began in the 1970s and 1980s. And couples who wed in the 2000s are divorcing at even lower rates.
This 'speculation' or 'observation' is quite interesting

Quote:
The feminist movement of the 1970s played a considerable role in where the divorce rate is now, according to economists Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfer. As women entered the work force and gained reproductive rights, marriage began to evolve into its “modern-day form, based on love and shared passions, and often two incomes and shared housekeeping duties.”
Here is another contributing factor

Quote:
The fact that people are marrying later in life, resulting in more mature marriages, has helped matters, too. The median age for marriage in the 1950s was 23 for men and 20 for women. In 2004, it rose to 27 for men and 26 for women.
So it appears that marriage wows and ceremony still means something to a large number of married people.


Quote:
If numbers continue to go down, roughly two-thirds of marriages will never involve divorce, according to data from Wolfers.
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Old 04-09-2016, 04:32 PM
 
5,429 posts, read 3,454,205 times
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BellaDL, as I stated at post #62 and at the top of your post #75 where you quoted me.....divorce for first marriages has gone down to 46 percent recently.

And you're quoting just percentages of people who did not divorce in the first 15 years of marriage. Which does not characterize all married people at all.

Many people divorce after 15 years of marriage, and the statistics for divorce in long term marriages has risen.

2nd marriages still have a high percentage of divorce.

Reporting that 2/3's of marriages will never involve divorce in the future is a meaningless statistic until it actually occurs, and it may never occur.

my take from studies & statistics I've read.....
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Old 04-09-2016, 07:02 PM
 
Location: Idaho
1,455 posts, read 1,156,701 times
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matisse12,

Because I have been married for 39 years this May and take the wow 'Til death do we part' seriously, I am quite optimistic about marriage. From my 'the glass is half full' POV and the data which I have found, the divorce rate of 1st marriage has gone down quite a bit for all marriages and not just the people who was married in the 90s and have 15 years of marriage.

Here is another article

The Myth of the High Rate of Divorce | Psych Central

Quote:
It is now clear that the divorce rate in first marriages probably peaked at about 40 percent for first marriages around 1980 and has been declining since to about 30 percent in the early 2000s. This is a dramatic difference. Rather than viewing marriage as a 50-50 shot in the dark it can be viewed as having a 70 percent likelihood of succeeding.
I only personally know a handful of divorced people including two in the family. All of them were initiated by one person and not both. So if I use the 30% divorce rate statistic of 1st marriage (I think it is not fair to include 2nd marriage since the data could be skewed with personality or other factors) and the fact that only 1 of the 2 partners want the divorce, this means only 15% of married people (1st time again) thought the marriage wow meant nothing.

This means at least 8 out of 10 people take their marriage wow seriously ;-)

P.S. I certainly do not advocate people to stay together for the sake of being married, upholding the marriage wow etc. regardless of the ages or how long that they have been married. Divorce is always regrettable but sometimes it is the best solution. If you have done everything that you could do to improve communications and the situation, amicable (and least costly) parting is the best way. If you want to stay married but the other person is unhappy or want more than you can give, there is not a darn thing that you can do. Vice versa, if you are not happy and feeling unfulfilled for a long time, why not make a clean break so that you can enjoy the remains of your days.

Last edited by BellaDL; 04-09-2016 at 07:17 PM..
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Old 04-10-2016, 05:11 AM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,911 posts, read 2,881,013 times
Reputation: 6291
I read one article based on survey data that asked about all sorts of circumstances. People who were both on their first marriage, were over 23, dated over 2 years, married in a church with all living parents present with at least one of the couple working a job/field they felt was long term had the best odds. I think less than a quarter of them divorced. There was something about geography in there also (living near families).
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Old 04-10-2016, 01:24 PM
 
137 posts, read 132,306 times
Reputation: 215
Exactly. Life in America just isn't fair. Too bad for everyone. Except the Fat Cats, of course.
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Old 04-10-2016, 02:28 PM
 
5,825 posts, read 13,322,905 times
Reputation: 9303
Divorced in my 50's. A definite financial nightmare, alimony, pensions, military retirement, etc. Grown kids haven't talked to me in 20 years. Would I do it again? Absolutely! It was worth every penny not to be miserable the rest of my days. Met a wonderful woman and have a terrific life together.
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