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Old 04-10-2016, 03:16 PM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,912 posts, read 2,887,120 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellwood View Post
Divorced in my 50's. A definite financial nightmare, alimony, pensions, military retirement, etc. Grown kids haven't talked to me in 20 years. Would I do it again? Absolutely! It was worth every penny not to be miserable the rest of my days. Met a wonderful woman and have a terrific life together.
For me, the nightmare is the part I bolded. That would crush me. I think my kids would get past it if it happens. I really hope it doesn't.
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Old 04-11-2016, 08:11 AM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,629 posts, read 9,705,774 times
Reputation: 11024
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nausikaa View Post
Good luck with that. Most women I know going through a divorce in these tough economic times literally end up in the poor house.

I didn't end up in the "poor house" but it wouldn't take much to put me there even now and I'm doing pretty good, considering. I've been divorced nearly 20 years and done just fine on my own. Divorce really put the kibosh on any plans I had to retire though and that can be depressing at times. I do know women my age who aren't doing as well as I am and I feel for them.
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Old 04-11-2016, 10:56 AM
 
Location: Whereever we have our RV parked
8,847 posts, read 7,736,397 times
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Anecdotal evidence is useless in analyzing divorce statistices. There are vast differences in rates based on race and income. The lower income you are, the more likely is divorce. If you're Hispanic or black, you're more likely to divorce.
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Old 04-11-2016, 11:06 AM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,912 posts, read 2,887,120 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by augiedogie View Post
Anecdotal evidence is useless in analyzing divorce statistices. There are vast differences in rates based on race and income. The lower income you are, the more likely is divorce. If you're Hispanic or black, you're more likely to divorce.
The flip side is that statistics don't determine what will happen to you. I was a little depressed when I read the article I mentioned earlier with all the qualifiers that seemed to result in a really low divorce rate in their survey because there were a few boxes I could not check off (and one had a pretty big impact). It is still about you and your spouse and nothing else when it comes to your own outcome.
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Old 04-11-2016, 04:26 PM
 
3,145 posts, read 1,736,721 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellwood View Post
Divorced in my 50's. A definite financial nightmare, alimony, pensions, military retirement, etc. Grown kids haven't talked to me in 20 years. Would I do it again? Absolutely! It was worth every penny not to be miserable the rest of my days. Met a wonderful woman and have a terrific life together.
If I may ask, would you have still divorced, knowing that all the losses you have listed would occur, if there was no wonderful woman in the picture? and, does having a wonderful person in your life make up for the loss of contact from your children?

if one leaves a lonely marriage would happiness increase if there was no other partner waiting? would you live your life differently in ways you are unable to do within the marriage?
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Old 04-11-2016, 05:07 PM
 
30,191 posts, read 47,419,427 times
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My sister in law (18 yrs older than my husband) married a creep, abuser, poor provider and because HER mother wouldn't approved her getting a divorce she stayed married for over 50 yrs. When she was in process of divorce she said to us that she realized her mistake like 3 days after the wedding and when she tried to talk to her mom (my MIL) was told " no man wants used goods" and that she had made her bed so she had to live with her decision.
SIL and husband had 3 kids, 2 sons and daughter, and many grandkids and some great grand when she decided she couldn't live her last decade or so being unhappy and seeing him waste all their money. She was maybe 70-- so very unusual in that age group.

He tried to screw her out of the house--lived in TX so was community property xcept for inherited assets--she didn't fight like she should have --just wanted shut of him...

Her oldest son refused to take sides but said do what makes you happy Mom...and his kids didn't ostracize her
Her daughter took her dad's side...wouldn't talk to her mom for 4-5 yrs...til daughter had massive stroke and her husband told the mom to come...that couple's 2 adult daughters and children also cut her off--no contact at all until after the stroke...
Her youngest son became Catholic (hardcore) when he married and they totally didn't approve...that son kept trying to get her to change her mind and really didn't approve
His wife was really against it and their kids were standoffish as well.

Her husband remarried very quickly to widow w/money...but her son's protected mother's assets...they were married for about 5 yrs but she finally got out from under his controlling thumb and got divorce as well...

Sister in law never wanted to remarry or even date...has some female friends but most pre-divorce married friends in her small TX town don't do things with a single woman...she says they think single would try to take husband away...which is so narrow-minded but likely true.
Most people thought she was crazy bcuz they only saw the surface her husband presented...
Narcissistic control freaks are good at false fronts...
But she says she wish she had done it when her kids were out of high school--like 30-35 yrs b4 she actually did...

Only U can know what works for your situation...
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Old 04-12-2016, 07:45 AM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,912 posts, read 2,887,120 times
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I have been thinking more about the feelings of adult children in this. I hope I don't offend anyone with this line of thought, but I think if my relationship with my adult children could not survive a divorce, the divorce would just be exposing a problem, not creating it.
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Old 04-12-2016, 09:23 AM
 
6,350 posts, read 5,085,406 times
Reputation: 12907
Quote:
Originally Posted by loves2read View Post
My sister in law (18 yrs older than my husband) married a creep, abuser, poor provider and because HER mother wouldn't approved her getting a divorce she stayed married for over 50 yrs. When she was in process of divorce she said to us that she realized her mistake like 3 days after the wedding and when she tried to talk to her mom (my MIL) was told " no man wants used goods" and that she had made her bed so she had to live with her decision.
SIL and husband had 3 kids, 2 sons and daughter, and many grandkids and some great grand when she decided she couldn't live her last decade or so being unhappy and seeing him waste all their money. She was maybe 70-- so very unusual in that age group.

He tried to screw her out of the house--lived in TX so was community property xcept for inherited assets--she didn't fight like she should have --just wanted shut of him...

Her oldest son refused to take sides but said do what makes you happy Mom...and his kids didn't ostracize her
Her daughter took her dad's side...wouldn't talk to her mom for 4-5 yrs...til daughter had massive stroke and her husband told the mom to come...that couple's 2 adult daughters and children also cut her off--no contact at all until after the stroke...
Her youngest son became Catholic (hardcore) when he married and they totally didn't approve...that son kept trying to get her to change her mind and really didn't approve
His wife was really against it and their kids were standoffish as well.

Her husband remarried very quickly to widow w/money...but her son's protected mother's assets...they were married for about 5 yrs but she finally got out from under his controlling thumb and got divorce as well...

Sister in law never wanted to remarry or even date...has some female friends but most pre-divorce married friends in her small TX town don't do things with a single woman...she says they think single would try to take husband away...which is so narrow-minded but likely true.
Most people thought she was crazy bcuz they only saw the surface her husband presented...
Narcissistic control freaks are good at false fronts...
But she says she wish she had done it when her kids were out of high school--like 30-35 yrs b4 she actually did...

Only U can know what works for your situation...
That is sad. Glad she got away from that situation. Her mom was probably pushing her fears on her daughter. My mom told me/us to always be able to take care of ourselves and not depend on anyone. Go out and have a good time, do not settle!
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Old 04-12-2016, 04:49 PM
 
197 posts, read 161,337 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ReachTheBeach View Post
I have been thinking more about the feelings of adult children in this. I hope I don't offend anyone with this line of thought, but I think if my relationship with my adult children could not survive a divorce, the divorce would just be exposing a problem, not creating it.
I completely agree.

My divorce caused major waves with my adult children but it was a good thing ultimately as I had to face some preexisting issues. The majority are great now but it took more than three years.

I love my children but no child should wish to deny their parent the loving relationship which you wish for them to experience.

A relationship with your adult children is a wonderful thing but should not come at your expense.IMO it is rarely an either/or scenario but is usually more nuanced, as is life.
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Old 04-12-2016, 05:08 PM
 
30,191 posts, read 47,419,427 times
Reputation: 16125
Re my SIL's break w/her daughter and son...
The irony is that about 20 yrs before my MIL basically tried to break my husband/her son and I up...my husband didn't speak to her for 3-4 years and her daughter and her three adult children (who grew up with my husband) took his mom's side so we were ostracized back then just like she was after the divorce.
She never apologized for her actions in cutting us off...
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