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There is hope and there are kids who are just now becoming adults. There is also fear of change and one other fear that I think is a big factor in late life splits - fear of disapproval/disappointment from parents and others. That last fear diminishes partly from losing some of the people whose opinions concern you, partly from the relationship with them changing and partly from realizing they will likely get past it or if they don't it isn't your fault.
As to the "Serious question" - yes, I do mention it often and it has been going on a long time. I often figure things out for myself by explaining them to others. It is somewhat counterintuitive but many posts in public forums are very introspective. We have some anonimyty that allows us to be a little more forthcoming with strangers than with those close to us especially when it comes to matters like this where the conversation with those close to us is something of a mine field (just phrasing things poorly can be devistating).
Josie13 - where I live, infidelity does matter in settlements. A cheating spouse will not be considered for alimony and it can be factored into the amount of alimony if the cheating spouse is the high earner. I am not sure it is a no-fault when that is in play though. Also, alienation of affection cases are rare but do still occur; a third party found guilty of being a cause of a marriage to fail can incur a significant punitive financial penalty.
First let me say that I don't mind you being here at all. I think some of the topics you bring up are interesting and I enjoy reading the posts. You sure learn a lot about people reading their experiences. That's one of the things I like about forums though is getting to know people as well as we do without ever meeting. So, it's okay with me if you want to stick around.
As for the rest...I think you are entirely right but how many people can actually DO that? The thing is that so many of us have this thing going on called "hope", we hate to admit to failure or defeat AND we want to be sure that we are absolutely, positively ready to do that. Where there's life there is hope, until there isn't any more. So many stay in mediocre to bad marriages just because of that.
I guess I see the world in a bit more of a binary fashion than most folks. I'm one of these people where I'm generally all in on something or all out, personal or otherwise.
I've had good relationships and dysfunctional ones. The good ones all ended (I'm single now), but I don't regret them. With that said, all the good relationships I've had, both myself and the other person did plenty of wrong. Blame rarely lies on just one side. The dysfunctional ones - well, I try to steer clear of having anything to do with those folks.
I'm not as old as the rest of you, but even for me, it feels like time's a'passin quickly. Ten years ago, I thought things would be much different at 30 than they've turned out to be, and don't want to waste time on being stuck doing things I don't want to do, personal or otherwise.
A lot of the people who are "older" have never lived on their own. They went from their parents' home to a marital home. Or, they lived on their own so long ago that they don't really remember how to live that way. As we age there are more hurdles to living alone. When we are younger making significant changes might be easier. Certainly, I think there are more choices and opportunities available.
In a lot of cases having an extramarital affair before divorce is not only about the physical affection. It also gives them the emotional courage to make the break, to know that they will not be alone, to ease into being unmarried slowly.
Also our thinking does change as we age and things we might not have feared in our youth can be frightening when we are older.
Obviously you don't think much of me because I'm significantly younger than you are, regardless of the merits of what I'm really saying. I'm not going to change your mind, but I have received enough private messages from retirement forum members to know my perspectives are valued by a significant number of readers here.
Not true. Age is not necessarily a factor and my post was tongue-in-cheek. I have one child in her 20s, one in her 30s and three in their early to mid-40s. I respect their opinions and perceptions. Why would I not respect yours? Edited to add: That doesn't necessarily mean I always agree with them.
With that said, if a relationship is completely broken, why falsely preserve it and drag out the inevitable? If it isn't working and you've tried your best to rehabilitate it, why not just draw the line in the sand, rip the band-aid off, and tell the partner - "OK, this is where I am, where are you and what do you want to do about it?"
Casting aside the potential legal and financial ramifications, I'd want to rip off that band-aid, so to speak, and find out squarely where I am in life. Maybe I'm just a bit braver than most folks, but I don't see any reason to keep a dead relationship on life support.
As for the rest, hope springs eternal... I think that many of us who have found ourselves in less than satisfactory yet committed relationships will leave no stone unturned to try to resurrect it and make it better. That quest can take time; a lot of it. We spend that time not out of stubbornness but out of love. Bravery has nothing whatsoever to do with it. It's a matter of the heart, determination and commitment.
Last edited by Curmudgeon; 05-13-2016 at 08:27 AM..
A lot of the people who are "older" have never lived on their own. They went from their parents' home to a marital home. Or, they lived on their own so long ago that they don't really remember how to live that way. As we age there are more hurdles to living alone. When we are younger making significant changes might be easier. Certainly, I think there are more choices and opportunities available.
In a lot of cases having an extramarital affair before divorce is not only about the physical affection. It also gives them the emotional courage to make the break, to know that they will not be alone, to ease into being unmarried slowly.
Also our thinking does change as we age and things we might not have feared in our youth can be frightening when we are older.
There are a lot of people out there who have never really lived on their own. I know lots of my peers who went basically from living with their parents to marriage. Even those that didn't were often in close proximity to close friends and family. Being truly "on your own" without a support structure can be frightening. I have probably half a dozen older friends here in their 50s and 60s who complain about their wives and most all of them are not from Indiana, but are stuck here because of jobs, spouse's family, etc. If they divorced, they'd largely be without any kind of support system. I get the feeling most of those guys have never been in that situation.
I'm one of the few people I know personally who has made multiple significant moves (day's drive or more) solely for employment reasons, alone. Most of my traveling is done alone. I really don't even like traveling with others. I'll travel on the weekends to unusual destinations by myself and my coworkers thought I was absolutely nuts. One guy said I'm the only person he knows that does this. I guess it comes from being an only child and not having many friends until I got to high school or something.
I've been in relationships in that past but have often felt "domesticated" or like a "dog on a leash." I am not one to just lay around town (at least THIS town in Indiana) on the weekends if it's pretty and do nothing. Then again, I've never been able to live anywhere of my own choosing, so I guess subconsciously I'm kind of "searching for something." Most women, especially around my age, are looking to settle down and have stability, and frankly I can't (and don't really want to - given I don't want to remain in Indiana) to offer that now.
LookingatFL and Curmudgeon have the right of it; it is not bravery. It's part hope and part fear. There are no sparks of any kind right now; while my wife is not my lover she also is not my enemy. Being in a good relationship would be better but I am not sure being alone would be. Straying is not in my nature; I have had the chance and I will admit it wasn't a snap decision, but I am not doing that.
As for the rest, hope springs eternal... I think that many of us who have found ourselves in less than satisfactory yet committed relationships will leave no stone unturned to try to resurrect it and make it better. That quest can take time; a lot of it. We spend that time not out of stubbornness but out of love. Bravery has nothing whatsoever to do with it. It's a matter of the heart, determination and commitment.
less than satisfactory yet committed makes no sense to me. If it was committed, wouldn't it always be satisfactory?
I guess I see the world in a bit more of a binary fashion than most folks. I'm one of these people where I'm generally all in on something or all out, personal or otherwise.
I've had good relationships and dysfunctional ones. The good ones all ended (I'm single now), but I don't regret them. With that said, all the good relationships I've had, both myself and the other person did plenty of wrong. Blame rarely lies on just one side. The dysfunctional ones - well, I try to steer clear of having anything to do with those folks.
I'm not as old as the rest of you, but even for me, it feels like time's a'passin quickly. Ten years ago, I thought things would be much different at 30 than they've turned out to be, and don't want to waste time on being stuck doing things I don't want to do, personal or otherwise.
I'm not as young as you, but maybe a bit younger than some of the regular posters. I'm amazed at how they talk about plans etc and they are in their 60s, 70s and 80s.
I'm in my 50s so it makes me feel like there is still hope! LOL
less than satisfactory yet committed makes no sense to me. If it was committed, wouldn't it always be satisfactory?
No. The commitment is what keeps you there when the relationship has changed and the change isn't something you are happy with. Your partner can also be committed and not happy with the current state of the relationship or they may be okay with it. The commitment is what allows people to ride out the course changes they don't like until they can agree on a new course that both are happy with. The tough part is being faced with mounting evidence that no such course exists.
Sometimes there is hope that there is better out there. Sometimes it is not "better" only "different".
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