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Old 07-04-2016, 05:58 PM
 
Location: East Texas
506 posts, read 464,091 times
Reputation: 700

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I don't know what to do with my possessions before I die. Most of my things are very nice. I got rid of most of the junk when we moved here six years ago. What's remaining are lovely decorative items (many of which will go to my husband's sons since a lot of it belonged to their grandmother), very nice jewelry, nice clothes that won't fit either of my daughters, satin goose down comforters I bought and very large furniture pieces we bought together that neither daughter has room for. My younger one invests money wisely and her husband does well financially but can't stand me. lol
One daughter is a total mess. She is a nightmare who hangs with undesirable guys and she drinks beer in the mornings and dabbles in various drugs. She is penniless, manic depressive and divorced. The other daughter is a faithful , much loved church goer with an immaculate though not very large home. I want her to have all my jewelry; if not my other daughter, who would love it, would either pawn it, lose it or it would be stolen. Where she lives theft is rampant. And the worst part? If I give my first daughter money she would buy drugs with it. So I'd be culpable , partly, in her demise. She cannot handle money; when she has gotten money in the past she has gone crazy, given it away, bought an entire houseful of furniture then, when she broke up with her 100th boyfriend, she "sold" it for almost nothing. Lovely things, too.
Can anyone help me? Saying to "do a will" will not help because then I'm back to the beginning with not knowing what to do with my stuff ! ps I'm not sick.

Last edited by SusanG_O; 07-04-2016 at 06:00 PM.. Reason: half asleep
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Old 07-04-2016, 06:11 PM
 
Location: SoCal
6,063 posts, read 9,524,350 times
Reputation: 5789
Can you set up some sort of trust for the older daughter instead of giving her something she can turn into quick cash? You'd need to do it carefully, especially if she's on any sort of disability payments. Talk to a good estate planner, I'd suggest.
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Old 07-04-2016, 06:35 PM
 
519 posts, read 430,543 times
Reputation: 981
Sorry to hear of your difficult situation. Only you (and your husband) can decide how to bequeath your possessions, both physical and monetary.

I will offer that you seem to have the correct approach with older daughter. If she is actively using you need to be very careful that your actions are not enabling her and further bad (drug use) behavior, which giving her access to money or pawnable items clearly would do. Have you thought about attending Al-Anon, or Nar-Anon? There will be others no doubt dealing with similar problems. You might find that a good forum for dealing with your daughter generally and specific to the issue you raise.

Good luck.
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Old 07-04-2016, 07:06 PM
 
143 posts, read 132,568 times
Reputation: 802
Remember that, as difficult it may be, giving resources to someone who will use them to harm themselves or others is not an act of kindness or consideration but rather a contribution to their pathology. It is very hard to do so, but it is fundamentally an act of compassion to withhold assets from such a person. Perhaps you could hold resources in reserve with your responsible daughter with the promise that she will use them to help her sister if she ever "gets her act together."

It is difficult, and a heartbreak, but you must not contribute to your daughter's destruction.
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Old 07-04-2016, 07:09 PM
 
35,108 posts, read 40,202,457 times
Reputation: 62049
Quote:
Originally Posted by SusanG_O View Post
I don't know what to do with my possessions before I die. Most of my things are very nice. I got rid of most of the junk when we moved here six years ago. What's remaining are lovely decorative items (many of which will go to my husband's sons since a lot of it belonged to their grandmother), very nice jewelry, nice clothes that won't fit either of my daughters, satin goose down comforters I bought and very large furniture pieces we bought together that neither daughter has room for. My younger one invests money wisely and her husband does well financially but can't stand me. lol
One daughter is a total mess. She is a nightmare who hangs with undesirable guys and she drinks beer in the mornings and dabbles in various drugs. She is penniless, manic depressive and divorced. The other daughter is a faithful , much loved church goer with an immaculate though not very large home. I want her to have all my jewelry; if not my other daughter, who would love it, would either pawn it, lose it or it would be stolen. Where she lives theft is rampant. And the worst part? If I give my first daughter money she would buy drugs with it. So I'd be culpable , partly, in her demise. She cannot handle money; when she has gotten money in the past she has gone crazy, given it away, bought an entire houseful of furniture then, when she broke up with her 100th boyfriend, she "sold" it for almost nothing. Lovely things, too.
Can anyone help me? Saying to "do a will" will not help because then I'm back to the beginning with not knowing what to do with my stuff ! ps I'm not sick.
Put it in the will that everything is to be auctioned and the proceeds put into a trust for each child to receive a specified amount monthly or yearly.
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Old 07-04-2016, 07:21 PM
 
Location: Eastern Tennessee
2,533 posts, read 1,823,367 times
Reputation: 6630
charity of your choice
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Old 07-04-2016, 11:52 PM
 
Location: Tennessee at last!
1,886 posts, read 2,034,979 times
Reputation: 3796
Something to think about:

1. Ask everyone what they want, ask if they want anything in particular, and then decide from that 'request list' who gets what, if anything. For those few items designate who gets it first, and if needed second, and so forth if there are items that are popular, and in case someone passes with an item assigned to them. All of grandma's items should have a full list of who gets it in what order.

2. State in your will that everything else is to be sold--auction, estate sale, whatever the person settling your estate chooses as best at that time.

3. Split up the money and give 1/2 to the responsible daughter.

4. Ask that the other 1/2 be set up in a trust for the druggie daughter. That money can only be used to pay for drug rehab and treatment, preferable residential for your daughter for her life. However, if she tests drug free with monthly drug tests that the trust pays for for 6 consecutive months then the trust can be used to pay for basic needs by giving occasional gifts to that daughter and itemize they types of things--considering frugal and not easily converted to drugs. An example of items I would recommend you consider: a basic winter coat, basic wearable shoes such as tennis shoes, a new outfit for a job interview with proof of a scheduled job interview, a food box, on occasion small minor household items such as brooms, mops, microwave oven, etc., repairs on a home owned and titled by the druggie daughter. Keep it basic, not luxury.

Add a "post druggie daughter" clause for the trust. Should the druggie daughter be deceased prior to the trust being depleted the remainder of the funding may be used for ...? Drug rehab of an direct descendant relative of you / your husband? College tuition, books, trade school education of any direct descendant of you / your husband?

Number 4 forces the druggie into rehab if they want anything, but also limits them getting a pot of money after rehab to get back on drugs, and occasional gifts should not interfere with any public benefits she may be getting. It also looks at reality and sets up a legacy for any remainder of the funds should she OD or whatever.

And this also assumes you are taking care of daughters and husband is taking care of the sons (other than maybe some designated stuff), but you can give the sons equal shares with the daughters and just change the fraction each gets.
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Old 07-05-2016, 03:17 AM
 
9,677 posts, read 15,852,351 times
Reputation: 16013
How much money are we talking about?


Unfortunately, "nice things" don't fetch much at auctions, sales, etc. They go for pennies on the dollar, then there's the commissions paid to auctioneers, storage, transportation, yadda, yadda. I have some jewelry of my late grandmother that was appraised about $100,000 several years ago, but that was when gold was higher. Depending on when its sold, it could bring far less, and don't forget the cost of appraisal, commissions, insurance, etc.


The suggestion to put such directions in your will should be done carefully, and by a competent estate planning attorney. You can't put whatever conditions in a will you wish, despite how many old movies you've watched. There certain limits on just how much you can demand a person do to receive their share of the estate. If such are not recognized by the probate court, it could result in the entire will being rejected and the will being probated intestate.


Perhaps start selling some of your nicer things now, and leave the money to relatives. But I really don't think you can make stipulations such as must attend AA meetings, or in-patient drug programs, etc, in order to receive the money. There again, ask a good estate lawyer.
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Old 07-05-2016, 03:32 AM
 
Location: Louisiana
810 posts, read 615,718 times
Reputation: 1218
A lot of times items " go missing " before the Will can be read and acted upon . Things that are promised to a certain person are nowhere to be found when the time comes . I've seen that many times .
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Old 07-05-2016, 06:26 AM
 
6,306 posts, read 5,046,206 times
Reputation: 12810
The only thing that I would "worry" about is the jewelry. The other things, eh, only things.

Once you are gone, how would you worry. Things will work out. My mom passed last week, I hope she's not worrying about us at all.
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