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Old 10-03-2016, 02:32 AM
34,389 posts, read 41,490,319 times
Reputation: 29864


You need to remain socially active,join a gymn,join the YMCA, go to a pool several times a week,talk to the people.

Old 10-03-2016, 05:42 AM
6,256 posts, read 4,737,090 times
Reputation: 12853
Originally Posted by thenwhatareyou View Post
........ I'm scared to death that I may die living the mundane.

It's not easy to say, move somewhere exciting, a big city, when you are all alone.


Yes it is. There are over 55 communities everywhere. The key term is community. Find a place where the residents are active and have a lot of things to do. It especially helps if you have some things in mind that you really want to do, learn and accomplish. In most communities you will find people who travel together, go to concerts or events together, etc, etc. City Data is a great place to explore the opportunities. Just go to the forums for the geographical areas and start asking some questions.
Old 10-03-2016, 07:07 AM
674 posts, read 839,994 times
Reputation: 1191
I just came upon this thread and am so happy to see how people really are reaching out to help. I can't imagine being in your shoes. Must be very lonely and I think you need to meet a great girlfriend or two that wants to get out and do things with you, maybe even short trips. Yes, I would've reached out to that woman in the car repair shop. I would have told her the truth, recent widow, lonely, and if she had room in her life for a new acquaintance here's my #. But, that's easier said than done. Great to give advice...would we take our own??!

If it were me, I think looking into the over 55 would be a start. The place near me has so much going on. Book clubs, yoga, water aerobics, crafts, travel groups, walking clubs, biking clubs, dinner clubs. The place has many single women. You would be entering a new phase of your life.

The MeetUps is a great idea. I know people who have done it and liked it.

I wish you the best and truly feel for you.
Old 10-03-2016, 07:11 AM
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,601 posts, read 39,974,527 times
Reputation: 23736
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post

To thenwhatareyou: I wanted to mention that music is medicine. It can raise your spirits and change your outlook.

and in my case, it has changed my life. ...
Also there are 100's & 100's of radio stations that you can listen to on the ... radio on the internet
Oh how I wish i had hs internet rather than Pay-per-byte dial up. (When it works).

Music has rescued me from the pits of despair many a time.

All Classical Portland | All Classical 89.9 KQAC FM Portland, Oregon, 88.1 KQOC FM Gleneden Beach, 90.1 KQHR FM Hood River, 88.1 KQDL FM The Dalles Classical Radio for Northwest Oregon, Southwest Washington and the world.

A fun program for many is 'The Score' featuring stories and music of movies.

On musical theme....
For an attitude adjustment I read the Psalm of the day,,(+30), i,e, Ps 5, 35, 65, 95, 125 for the 5th. Takes less than 10 minutes. The writers (David, good (?) son Solomon, Moses, and possibly Hezekiah) seemed to often be in lots of trouble or angry or worried. I don't have too many people chasing me around to kill me, so it perks me up. Also good lesson of life that Hezekiah asked for 15 more yrs when he was about to die. He got it, and really muffed it up.

Be careful what you seek!
Old 10-03-2016, 07:45 AM
Location: Somewhere in deep in Maine
3,658 posts, read 2,812,119 times
Reputation: 4436
Elder Senior Colleges exist everywhere. There is one where I live, and also in a neighboring place. Many people over 50 get together to take "classes" without tests and lots of social occasions. I have participated in one for the 5 years since I moved to Mount Desert Island, ME. Its been a wonderful way to meet people like me. And I even know a couple friend who found a mate in the group.
Old 10-03-2016, 08:04 AM
6,635 posts, read 4,600,830 times
Reputation: 13350
Originally Posted by thenwhatareyou View Post
I try to think that I am important and to try to move on but it's not as easy as it sounds. For example, I took my car in for service and while waiting for our cars, I met a woman that in 5 minutes, I knew that we could be friends. How do I approach it? Should I ask her to meet me for a drink or for a bite to eat or a cup of coffee. Would she think that I was gay or I had some other agenda? Do 60 year old women really reach out to other women. She probably has lived here her entire life and has a family and friends and i'm new here. She may see me as strange.

I want to move on, but I guess I don't know how to.

Call her and say "Hi we met at Dave's Garage. I'm new in town and really need help with finding doctors, dentists, lawn service or whatever and wondered if I could buy you a cup of coffee at Starbucks and get some recommendations from you". No one would find that strange and hopefully you'll come away with a new friend.
Old 10-03-2016, 08:06 AM
Location: CT
3,461 posts, read 1,856,473 times
Reputation: 4614
Originally Posted by thenwhatareyou View Post
I retired at 52 when my husband was 61 and went on disability.

I knew his days were numbered and we made the best of it. We traveled and did what we wanted to do and he made sure that I would be well enough off that I could stay retired. We had a wonderful time.

When he passed, I moved back home and hoped that I would have a life worth living but it's not working out. My relatives are either scared of their own shadow and don't travel outside of their small town or they work and can't get time off or they only spend time with their children.

I'm lost.

i find myself baking and cooking, only to have the company. This is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.

Did I focus too much on my husband and not look forward to my own future? Do I expect too much from my family? Am I supposed to wait until there are more widows that understand my position and want to take part. I feel like I am rotting away. It's so sad.

Has anyone else found themselves in my position?. Don't tell me to join church or senior groups. Not my thing.

If you have found yourself in my position, how did you break out of it?
Have you thought about counseling? You've been through a lot, life didn't go as planned, it sounds like you're struggling as you redefine yourself. As you well know, that's not easy, and especially as we grow older. A counselor can guide you through the process from a detached perspective. Reach out for help, there's no shame in it, you'd be surprised how much people want to help one another.
Old 10-03-2016, 08:28 AM
2,412 posts, read 1,323,460 times
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When one loses a spouse, it can often be that one loses 'purpose'. We may think of ourselves as unique individuals all the time we are married or in a very long term relationship, but, a part of us is also dedicated to the other person - and when that is gone, especially I think if that happens after one has had to care for their spouse's health needs, oftentimes we may feel as though our 'purpose' has flown out the window too - usually at a time in life when we are possibly less flexible and resilient.

We may not only miss the close companionship, but the daily repartee with someone who 'understands', the small acts of doing something with and for each other, the hopes and dreams you may have shared, and the HUGS. At this time in our lives (I am well over 60 and a widow as well) we may not so much miss the sex (although, don't get me wrong, that can be wonderful too) as we miss the depth of caring, the being loved and daily reminders of that. We may also, in a very practical vein, miss a helpmate - someone who can take the garbage out on occasion, someone who can help lift something heavy or awkward, someone who is there in case anything suddenly happens to us and can pick up the phone to let someone know we/I need help. The little things are more difficult when one is truly alone, especially as we age.

Finding female friends may help with the need to be able to talk to someone else but unless they live in your house they aren't going to be replacements for one's lost husband in all ways. Volunteering or finding a part time job, even getting into your own crafts or whatever other thing that you love that makes you special are a big help in re-finding 'purpose' and having people to chit chat with but though you can carve out a new life for yourself and it can be satisfying much of the time, but I think what I will always miss most will always be the HUGS. Perfunctory hugs from 'outsiders' are wonderful but just not the same as those you may have enjoyed with your spouse.

Having said that though, look again for a way to satisfy your basic need for 'purpose' as a start - in whatever way you need or can do that. Perhaps in time some new 'friend' will walk into your life, a friend whose HUGS will again make you feel loved. I think the very wrong way to do that though is to actively go looking for it. First you need to find out who you are again, all by yourself .. and then .. maybe .. no matter how late in life it is .. if you are not desperate .. as they say .. if you build it, they will come. Others have given great ideas for you to explore if they interest you .. but my advise is take it slowly .. Rome was not built in a day .. and just do anything that helps you feel like you again.

I wish for you .. meaningful, long lingering HUGS from someone whose caring for you makes you feel loved and helps to also give you back that very special connected bit of the greater 'purpose' we all seek in life.
Old 10-03-2016, 09:39 AM
Location: Loudon, TN
5,785 posts, read 4,841,461 times
Reputation: 19463
I would look into a 55+ community. Not all 55+ communities are the same. Some have many, many clubs for all interests from quilting to motorcycle riding, and everything in between. Many have clubs to help newcomers meet other newcomers, and events that take them into the larger community to see stage performances or to attend large sporting events, etc. Some have dining out clubs where the group meets at a different restaurant every month. Some have gyms with classes from water aerobics to yoga, to line dancing, Zumba, tai chi, and any number of sports from walking clubs to tennis, golf, horseshoes, bowling, pickleball, etc.

I'm a person who is endlessly curious and interested in learning, so continuing education classes at the nearest university or community college would bring me out into the community and help me to meet people. Meet up groups can be found online for people with interests as varied as wine tasting to astronomy. There are travel clubs that cater specifically to singles and others that are geared to seniors of varying ages, interests, and abilities. Look into these for group tours to places you've always dreamed of going, but had no one to go with, or were leery of traveling alone.

Many seniors are invigorated by living in a smaller university town. There are always numerous cultural events going on, many free. And there is a younger, more active vibe that can be contagious. There are also usually great places to eat and quirky coffee houses. They often allow seniors to "audit" classes for free. So any subject you've ever been curious about is right there for you to learn about.

One thing that folks here in our community do is to get ourselves "business" cards. They are simply printed cards, some featuring an image that reflects our personality or interest, that give our name, address, phone #, and e-mail. You may not feel comfortable with all of that data, but you can design it as you like. Have a hundred or so printed up by Vistaprint or Kinko's for $10. Keep a few in your wallet and when you are out and meet someone you'd like to spend more time with, you can easily hand them your contact info and say something like "Hey, if you'd ever like to get together for coffee (or do whatever it was you two seemed to have in common), give me a call sometime". This is a lot easier than writing out your phone number and is something that they probably won't accidentally throw out or lose. It also prompts them to give you their info, and this may give you a way to gauge their interest.

Don't depend on your family to entertain you. You can invite them as often as is practical, but they have their own lives and interests, and if they are working they have very limited amounts of free time and a lot to accomplish in that time. If you have grandkids, you can offer to babysit if you want. That might be a welcome respite for harried parents, and a time for you to spend with the grands by taking them to a park, an age appropriate movie and restaurant, theme park, museum, etc. Get used to doing things alone too. There's nothing wrong with going to a movie by yourself, I've done it many times, as well as eating alone in a restaurant, it's no big deal. You can bring a book or tablet to read while you're waiting for your order, or just people watch and enjoy the ambiance or the view or whatever.

This is YOUR time. Your time to remember, or discover, who you really are, and what your areas of interest are with no worries about your spouse's, or anyone else's, desires or interests. You may find that you have hidden talents or want to develop them. There are classes for things like photography, art appreciation, or learning to play an instrument, or learn a foreign language. You have endless time to practice on a daily basis if you want. So many things to explore and no one and nothing to stop you.
Old 10-03-2016, 10:09 AM
2,519 posts, read 3,509,656 times
Reputation: 5081
Some others have touched on it but when you met the woman at the car repair you could have something like:

"You know I've really enjoyed talking to you. My husband passed away recently and I just moved to town after being away for a long time and don't really know anyone outside my family. Would you like to get a cup of coffee some time?"

Some people will be interested and some won't. It depends on their level of socialness so don't take it hard if she demurs. But there are loads of older women in your circumstances who just want more friends to do things with. You should lean toward talking about things you want to do, trips you want to take, interests you have, movie you want to see, places you want to go and stay away from health problems, family problems and the death of your husband. She will probably ask to be polite but keep it short.
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