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Old 10-03-2016, 10:33 AM
 
Location: Central NY
4,671 posts, read 3,246,905 times
Reputation: 11956

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TheShadow: Please be aware that the 55+ communities you are writing about are for those who can afford the pricier ones.

I am in a 55+ community where rent is based on income. There is nothing offered in the way of activity by the owners. Some people who live here form little groups for cards and other games in the evening. No landlord sponsored/offered trips, dinners, etc.

Not all 55+ communities are the same.

 
Old 10-03-2016, 10:47 AM
 
Location: Central Mexico and Central Florida
7,108 posts, read 3,463,006 times
Reputation: 10178
You need a big change of scenery.

You are apparently still in your 50s with no health issues. The world is your oyster!

Where have you always wanted to live, but couldn't due to job, spouse/family, health needs, etc?

Go for it.

Your family isn't making you happy.....take a break from them. And don't yet consider 55+ communities....you just went through taking care of your husband and you need a break from health issues....these 55+ are mis-nomers, often the avg. age is 70+. And all they talk about is their health.
 
Old 10-03-2016, 11:45 AM
 
Location: NE Mississippi
13,673 posts, read 8,580,903 times
Reputation: 19871
Quote:
Originally Posted by thenwhatareyou View Post
I retired at 52 when my husband was 61 and went on disability.


I knew his days were numbered and we made the best of it. We traveled and did what we wanted to do and he made sure that I would be well enough off that I could stay retired. We had a wonderful time.

When he passed, I moved back home and hoped that I would have a life worth living but it's not working out. My relatives are either scared of their own shadow and don't travel outside of their small town or they work and can't get time off or they only spend time with their children.

I'm lost.

i find myself baking and cooking, only to have the company. This is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.

Did I focus too much on my husband and not look forward to my own future? Do I expect too much from my family? Am I supposed to wait until there are more widows that understand my position and want to take part. I feel like I am rotting away. It's so sad.

Has anyone else found themselves in my position?. Don't tell me to join church or senior groups. Not my thing.

If you have found yourself in my position, how did you break out of it?
I have been in your position, but not recently.
When I was a little out of sorts the way you are I had to re-invent myself, and I think that's what you need.

It's not as hard as you think! As you are finding out, family is very over-rated and in a great many instances family only serves to hold you back and keep you from moving forward.

I would start by moving to a place where you want to be. Small town are nice, but only if there is a constant influx of people from other places. Otherwise, you find yourself always trying to fit into a well established crowd.

Moving gives you a wonderful opportunity to change yourself! Change your hair; the way you dress; your vocabulary; your interests; your activities; the car you drive; even your religion. Everything is on the table!

So. Where would you like to be? What would you like to learn? Who would you like to BE!?
 
Old 10-03-2016, 01:39 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,982,141 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by Listener2307 View Post
I

Moving gives you a wonderful opportunity to change yourself!

I would love to this but am still stymied after a number of years

Change your hair; the way you dress;

I may get my hair darkened, shortened, spiked, streaked and I definitely need a new hip wardrobe. There should be "senior consultants" for this.


your vocabulary;

Maybe I'll start speaking only French. I can speak it but not understand any of it when spoken by others.


your interests; your activities;

Here's a big challenge; I'm stuck in reverse.

the car you drive;

Definitely.

even your religion. Everything is on the table!

Religion: Krishna?

So. Where would you like to be?

Away, in a vibrant area that I likely can't afford.

What would you like to learn?

To travel solo.

Who would you like to BE!?
Singer. (I cannot sing a note)
 
Old 10-03-2016, 01:53 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,671 posts, read 3,246,905 times
Reputation: 11956
Quote:
Originally Posted by Listener2307 View Post
I have been in your position, but not recently.
When I was a little out of sorts the way you are I had to re-invent myself, and I think that's what you need.

It's not as hard as you think! As you are finding out, family is very over-rated and in a great many instances family only serves to hold you back and keep you from moving forward.

I would start by moving to a place where you want to be. Small town are nice, but only if there is a constant influx of people from other places. Otherwise, you find yourself always trying to fit into a well established crowd.

Moving gives you a wonderful opportunity to change yourself! Change your hair; the way you dress; your vocabulary; your interests; your activities; the car you drive; even your religion. Everything is on the table!

So. Where would you like to be? What would you like to learn? Who would you like to BE!?

I love your post! I related to a lot of what you wrote, especially the bolded sentence.

I am not widowed; divorced for 33+ years. Have been "stuck" in a "cage" of sorts that I put myself into. Tried breaking out a few times but unfortunately too many things went wrong.

I'm 74 now and have a low income (once my debts are paid (mostly in 3 years) I'll be better off). I recently learned that I have a health issue that could turn into colon cancer/vaginal cancer. So right now I'm fearful. Maybe by the time I have some extra money, I'll be sick and can't use it.

My heart says to live by the water. Preferably ocean. Not likely to happen, moving there is out of my range. I'm not close with my kids (at all). A relative I have not seen in a long time (lives about an hour away) suggested I should move there to be close to family and have someone who can help me if health goes south.

I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do. But I think I know what I should do. Ugh. That's how I've always lived...... how I should live.

I really like the part you wrote...... change myself!!
 
Old 10-03-2016, 02:00 PM
 
Location: Clayton, NC
58 posts, read 34,981 times
Reputation: 58
I'm sorry for your loss. 52 is not that old though. It's quite young to be retiring now actually.

You have plenty of opportunity to do whatever you want.
 
Old 10-03-2016, 03:01 PM
 
Location: RVA
2,167 posts, read 1,266,787 times
Reputation: 4460
The OP was 52 when her husband was 61 and retired. He passed away an unknown number of years later. Just saying. The OP had not mentioned her current age.
 
Old 10-03-2016, 03:03 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,890 posts, read 25,331,777 times
Reputation: 26385
Another widow here! If your life is not what you want, change something. Step out of your comfort zone and do something different. Today. Just take a step and see what happens. If you want a SO in your life, go get one!

{Just don't get married because you will lose your SS Widow's Benefits!}
 
Old 10-03-2016, 03:05 PM
 
Location: SW Florida
10,298 posts, read 4,871,936 times
Reputation: 21705
Quote:
Originally Posted by thenwhatareyou View Post
I retired at 52 when my husband was 61 and went on disability.


I knew his days were numbered and we made the best of it. We traveled and did what we wanted to do and he made sure that I would be well enough off that I could stay retired. We had a wonderful time.

When he passed, I moved back home and hoped that I would have a life worth living but it's not working out. My relatives are either scared of their own shadow and don't travel outside of their small town or they work and can't get time off or they only spend time with their children.

I'm lost.

i find myself baking and cooking, only to have the company. This is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.

Did I focus too much on my husband and not look forward to my own future? Do I expect too much from my family? Am I supposed to wait until there are more widows that understand my position and want to take part. I feel like I am rotting away. It's so sad.

Has anyone else found themselves in my position?. Don't tell me to join church or senior groups. Not my thing.

If you have found yourself in my position, how did you break out of it?



I have been where you are and actually posted something similar back this past February I believe. My husband was much older and when he died in 2010 I was only 55 and not working. In my case money was an issue until his pension kicked in. Like you I am not into church or senior groups and I felt completely bereft.


I was just living from day to day feeling a sort of dread every morning when I woke up. It wasn't until I started back to the gym that I started to come alive again. Then I found a part time job where I work 12 hours a week. I like the job and it gives me some purpose in my life which was sorely missing and the extra money doesn't hurt.


Find something you like doing that could possibly help others. Do you like kids? Animals? Other seniors? Could you perhaps work in a nursing home, a homeless shelter? How about the library?


Are you athletic? Do you like to bike, kayak or anything like that? I was told to try "Meet-Ups" which is for people who just want to get together with others who have similar interests, it's not a dating site.


Hope some of the suggestions help.
 
Old 10-03-2016, 03:13 PM
 
26,591 posts, read 52,313,328 times
Reputation: 20438
True story...

One of Mom's best friends lost her husband after 5 years of cancer... being a nurse she never left his side.

When it was all said and done she took an extended cruise... her husband insisted she really do it and regretted they didn't.

Anyway she met a man on the ship who had also lost his wife after a long illness.

Boy did the Red Flags go up... family friends, etc... went into hyper protective mode.

They have been married 8 years... she kept her California home and he his Washington home... they travel and enjoy each other immensely...

I took Mom to her friend's 80th birthday party... I doubt there was a dry eye in the house... a real love based on respect...

Never would have happened had either sat at home watching TV...
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