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Old 10-04-2016, 12:25 AM
5,424 posts, read 3,442,945 times
Reputation: 13693


I really do not think "the possibilities are endless".

Possibilities for many things in life or at least a good number are well-known to diminish in one's older years.

And yes, I'm aware that attitude and being open to adventure counts.

Last edited by matisse12; 10-04-2016 at 01:09 AM..

Old 10-04-2016, 12:42 AM
26,589 posts, read 52,257,058 times
Reputation: 20405
I can only share my experience... and sometimes it wouldn't be believable except for the fact it is true.

When I think of how retired friends met in later years... each has a story... even a couple that married after they met in a retirement home.

Another met met his "Steady" volunteering at the animal shelter... doubt they will ever get married but they have been "Dating" for years...

If a woman is looking to meet a man... look into things men like to do.

If looking for traditional ways... none I know is better than church... so many of those that have lost a spouse do find love through their congregation... kids I went to school with are now step brothers and sisters after their parents married late in life.

Many friends are old to very old... always have been.

When I was a teen... a lot of my friends were into collecting and restoring antique and classic cars... many were well off with plenty of time to devote to their hobby which tends not to have that many couples.

When Dad passed... Mom had plenty of interest but she was not interested and the attention felt awkward... she did develop a lot of friends through her running and was still running marathons at age 75... so a full social life around running worked for her.
Old 10-04-2016, 06:24 AM
Location: Tennessee
23,556 posts, read 17,535,380 times
Reputation: 27601
What hobbies did you have before retirement? What did you always want or like to do but was too time-consuming with the hum-drum of everyday life?
Old 10-04-2016, 06:56 AM
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,967,079 times
Reputation: 15649
OP, personally, I would not "throw myself out there" in clubs and cruises at this time. Paradoxically, I would go further "within" to find out who you really are. I would suggest, if you can afford it, finding a good Jungian or other unique psychotherapist who can help you sort through your inner life and tap into the real you. (Sounds like your whole identity was tied to your dear husband.) That is because you can be in a crowd of people on a cruise or other venue and feel very much alone and depressed if you're not socially bubbly-outgoing by nature. IOW, joining things may not be the answer. What you decide for activities and kinds of people at this point could further your feeling of isolation if you fall in with an incompatible kind of people. That said, there's no harm in experimenting, just don't expect wonders with every experiment. Relax and observe.
Old 10-04-2016, 08:06 AM
Location: Somewhere in America
12,304 posts, read 10,756,220 times
Reputation: 20540
Originally Posted by thenwhatareyou View Post
Did I focus too much on my husband and not look forward to my own future? Do I expect too much from my family? Am I supposed to wait until there are more widows that understand my position and want to take part. I feel like I am rotting away. It's so sad.

Has anyone else found themselves in my position?. Don't tell me to join church or senior groups. Not my thing.

If you have found yourself in my position, how did you break out of it?

Your family has their own life. They are busy with what's going on in their lives. I'll never understand why people move to be near family and are shocked when the family doesn't drop everything for the new folks. If there's grandchildren, they're growing up. Depending on their ages, they're busy with school and sports. Teens don't want to hang out with old people, they want to be cool.

No church groups or senior groups? Then who exactly do you want to have a social life with? Most people work during the day and have family commitments in the evenings so who do you think has time to hang out with you? Seniors! And why wouldn't you hang out with seniors? You have far more in common than a 30 year old with 3 kids and a full time job.

My grandmother was just like this. All she has done for 15+ years is whine how her grandchildren don't give her all their time.....meanwhile we range in age from 10 to 41 years old! No we can't drop everything for her. She lives in a senior complex and flat out refuses to do any of the social events they have......there's old people there! Ummm she's 87!

How to break out of it? Suck it up and realize that life constantly changes. It's up to you to make your life be what you want and be happy. No one can do that for you. Find some hobbies. Go to a senior group a few times. Give new things a chance. Go play bingo. Learn to quilt. Take up gardening and become a Master Gardener. Volunteer at a historic home. There's plenty of things out there to do. You just have to get off your duff and go do them. No one is going to come knocking on your door and make your life full of rainbows and unicorns.
Old 10-04-2016, 08:49 AM
26,589 posts, read 52,257,058 times
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Have you made any friends in the your congregation?

Church is the traditional way people have been connected and the support can be tremendous...

Some of my friends are Mormon and they really look after their own... it is something I really admire.
Old 10-04-2016, 08:53 AM
Location: Loudon, TN
5,767 posts, read 4,825,615 times
Reputation: 19395
Originally Posted by NYgal1542 View Post
TheShadow: Please be aware that the 55+ communities you are writing about are for those who can afford the pricier ones.

I am in a 55+ community where rent is based on income. There is nothing offered in the way of activity by the owners. Some people who live here form little groups for cards and other games in the evening. No landlord sponsored/offered trips, dinners, etc.

Not all 55+ communities are the same.
I believe that was the second sentence of my post. Many communities have planned activities. Ours even has a Solo Club just for singles.

Last edited by TheShadow; 10-04-2016 at 09:04 AM..
Old 10-04-2016, 09:32 AM
Location: Chicago area
14,370 posts, read 7,913,715 times
Reputation: 53466
I think joining a meet up group as previously suggested is a great place to start. We have one that comes once a month to our skating rink and I was talking to one member about it. She said that there is something going on every day of the week and you can be as busy as you want. I think it's a great way to make new friends, if you're ready.

You've been through an awful trauma and sometimes you just need to be left alone for awhile until that feeling that you're doing something wrong leaves. Some people never get over it. I have a friend that lost his wife over five years ago now and he still wears his wedding ring. He won't date because he says he feels like he's cheating on her. That's sad. It can be very difficult to learn to live a different way when all you want and can't have is the way it was.

I sincerely hope you find a way to be happy again dear one. I think for me the key would be to get out and make as many friends as possible, and stay as busy as possible.
Old 10-04-2016, 10:29 AM
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,537 posts, read 39,914,033 times
Reputation: 23643
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post

Your family has their own life. .... Yes

No church groups or senior groups? .. Yes
How to break out of it?... It's up to you to make your life be what you want and be happy. ... Give new things a chance.
Learn to quilt.Check - BTDT with success
Take up gardening Check -
become a Master Gardener. Check -
Volunteer at a historic home. .Check -
Meals on Wheels volunteering is great too!
Joining up with day trips from nearby cities senior centers (since you are in a small town)

My favorite is still taking classes and volunteering at community events to meet locals.

Need to STRETCH your comfort zone.
Old 10-04-2016, 10:35 AM
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,537 posts, read 39,914,033 times
Reputation: 23643
Originally Posted by Ultrarunner View Post

Some of my friends are Mormon and they really look after their own... it is something I really admire.
reach out and connect with others who are 'different' than you.

Ironically, most of my best friends are Mormon (leaders / bishops) and active and vocal Atheists (very popular in PNW), both are FAR from my beliefs, but we respect and all get along and have a lot of fun as 'friends'. We help each other out a lot! I seems we 'need' each other as friends during our last 30 yrs of acquaintance, always we can count on each other. (no one has a 'perfect' family or home situation)

You will enjoy similar friendships, and learn much in the process.
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