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Old 10-04-2016, 10:43 AM
 
Location: NYC
1,869 posts, read 931,166 times
Reputation: 594

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Quote:
Originally Posted by thenwhatareyou View Post
I retired at 52 when my husband was 61 and went on disability.


I knew his days were numbered and we made the best of it. We traveled and did what we wanted to do and he made sure that I would be well enough off that I could stay retired. We had a wonderful time.

When he passed, I moved back home and hoped that I would have a life worth living but it's not working out. My relatives are either scared of their own shadow and don't travel outside of their small town or they work and can't get time off or they only spend time with their children.

I'm lost.

i find myself baking and cooking, only to have the company. This is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.

Did I focus too much on my husband and not look forward to my own future? Do I expect too much from my family? Am I supposed to wait until there are more widows that understand my position and want to take part. I feel like I am rotting away. It's so sad.

Has anyone else found themselves in my position?. Don't tell me to join church or senior groups. Not my thing.

If you have found yourself in my position, how did you break out of it?
I am far from your position, but I have a hunch that what you need and what could help you is a male companion in a similar situation as you. Would this be acceptable for you, or out of the questions, too early for that? If not, choose wisely!

I assume you have no kids?

 
Old 10-04-2016, 11:01 AM
 
3,945 posts, read 3,263,788 times
Reputation: 11320
I'll chime in here just for the fact of my own experience of being the survivor, my wife died a few months after I retired, we had moved to a new and very small town. In the aftermath of learning to be single again I found myself viewing things much as you do, lost, that's the only term that really fits.

In spite of others best intentions, most don't know the difference between being single for a long time as a voluntary thing, as opposed to finding yourself alone after the abrupt parting of your spouse. Even when knowing of their impending death, the end is always a total shock to your system, alone, to deal with the unfamiliar alone-ness. Advice in this scenario is purely subjective, simply because no one knows the entire dynamic of our marriage, nor can they assume this is simply a "being single" problem.

Survivors are left with an emotional burden wrapped in the framework of the best laid plans going awry, no one plans for their death, nor do we plan for the death of others. Carrying on, and trying to make new plans, that's the point, we have to move forward but how? I also did not want to mix it up with others until I found some emotional stability in my daily routines. We begin the healing from a position of grief, anger, loneliness, and all too often financial troubles. From there it's all uphill, pushing ourselves to get up and live, it ain't easy..

I got into photography and put all my energy into that for a time, DOING, that's the thing that helped me, just getting up with a purpose in mind was cathartic in itself. After a few years (age 65) I wanted to meet women and socialize on a regular basis, I met my current wife on a dating website, yes--it does work despite all the negatives expressed by others. Listen to yourself, when we're down, most of us know what we need, we just don't always know the HOW of getting what we need.

Had I taken the advice of others with regard to online dating I wouldn't have met my wife, Had I taken the advice of others I would have gotten a dog, joined a ton of meetup groups, moved closer to my daughter, instead I just got up every day and lived just like everybody else. I wanted to be happy, and finally found that happiness through my realization that amid all the grief, there was a kind of liberating aspect to being alone and doing as I pleased. Lemons--and lemonade..

After my wife died I heard from family and friends, the offerings of well intended advice was a real comfort, but I knew that in the end, my own compass was going to be the thing that drove my emotional recovery. I'm now eight years past that time of pain, re-married and enjoying life, time, and the will to change our situation make for a good combination when searching for our happiness.
 
Old 10-04-2016, 11:22 AM
 
Location: NYC
1,869 posts, read 931,166 times
Reputation: 594
Quote:
Originally Posted by thenwhatareyou View Post
I retired at 52 when my husband was 61 and went on disability.


I knew his days were numbered and we made the best of it. We traveled and did what we wanted to do and he made sure that I would be well enough off that I could stay retired. We had a wonderful time.

When he passed, I moved back home and hoped that I would have a life worth living but it's not working out. My relatives are either scared of their own shadow and don't travel outside of their small town or they work and can't get time off or they only spend time with their children.

I'm lost.

i find myself baking and cooking, only to have the company. This is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.

Did I focus too much on my husband and not look forward to my own future? Do I expect too much from my family? Am I supposed to wait until there are more widows that understand my position and want to take part. I feel like I am rotting away. It's so sad.

Has anyone else found themselves in my position?. Don't tell me to join church or senior groups. Not my thing.

If you have found yourself in my position, how did you break out of it?
Hi,

Read post # 72 by jertheber and try to do the same

Sign up to an online dating site, this will keep you busy, and if it is only to chat until you find a match.

Have fun, it can be very entertaining

Good Luck!
 
Old 10-04-2016, 11:40 AM
 
4,070 posts, read 1,558,304 times
Reputation: 7411
Note to OP - If you were a little older I'd invite you to the Big Island....
 
Old 10-04-2016, 01:35 PM
 
5,429 posts, read 3,450,730 times
Reputation: 13709
For every one person who finds a companion using online dating or just someone to date, there are 100's and 100's of 1000's and more who did not have good experiences with online dating, did not find anyone to date or to have any sort of longevity with, found it ineffective or a nightmare, found themselves to be too old for many of the men who prefer younger and can get younger, were not chosen, had few responses, or found many in the pool of choices unappealing etc.

That being said, it doesn't hurt to try it.
 
Old 10-04-2016, 01:40 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,671 posts, read 3,246,905 times
Reputation: 11956
^^^^^^^ Agree with Matisse12 for the most part. I've tried it. Never had any luck. Too many men on the sites are pretending to be single/divorced men. Watch out when they claim to be "separated."

Not a lot of honesty on those sites.

Sorry, I'm the downer here. But this has been my experience.
 
Old 10-04-2016, 02:04 PM
 
Location: Central IL
15,243 posts, read 8,532,850 times
Reputation: 35674
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
For every one person who finds a companion using online dating or just someone to date, there are 100's and 100's of 1000's and more who did not have good experiences with online dating, did not find anyone to date or to have any sort of longevity with, found it ineffective or a nightmare, found themselves to be too old for many of the men who prefer younger and can get younger, were not chosen, had few responses, or found many in the pool of choices unappealing etc.

That being said, it doesn't hurt to try it.
I agree - you can't take it TOO seriously. If you consider it as just ONE avenue among other that you are trying (meetups, community college classes, church, charity work, etc.) then it's fine. Obviously you're not putting all your eggs in one basket and your sole intent is not to find a mate necessarily but to make some social connections in general...so this is one way.
 
Old 10-04-2016, 02:24 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,889 posts, read 25,327,549 times
Reputation: 26385
Just try! Try to do something different. I went rollerblading the other day! Try a meetup. Go on a hike. Take your dog to the dog park. Put one foot in front of the other and just do something you wouldn't have done last week or last year!
 
Old 10-04-2016, 04:13 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,978,143 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
For every one person who finds a companion using online dating or just someone to date, there are 100's and 100's of 1000's and more who did not have good experiences with online dating, did not find anyone to date or to have any sort of longevity with, found it ineffective or a nightmare, found themselves to be too old for many of the men who prefer younger and can get younger, were not chosen, had few responses, or found many in the pool of choices unappealing etc.

That being said, it doesn't hurt to try it.
Try anything, but with a sense of humor.
 
Old 10-04-2016, 04:28 PM
 
5,429 posts, read 3,450,730 times
Reputation: 13709
I always find it amusing when older people who have not dated in 40 or 45 or 50 or 55 years think dating is the same today as it was back then, in high school in 1955 or 1958 or 1959 or maybe college or young adulthood, and that women are the same now as then or that cultural mores haven't changed.

And that thinking online dating is almost just like regular dating. It rarely is.

Some older men in befuddlement say in their profile 'I want women who do not play games' meaning acquiescence of women, being deferred to by women, and women being grateful for any attention. And women readily accepting any man no matter what his condition or persona. Those are code words in older male dating profiles.

Last edited by matisse12; 10-04-2016 at 04:58 PM..
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