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Old 10-07-2016, 09:07 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,110 posts, read 22,968,690 times
Reputation: 35290

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Quote:
Originally Posted by MadManofBethesda View Post
I don't understand this thread either, but for a different reason. I don't think that I've ever been on the same side of an issue with you before! Yes, strange, indeed!





You addressed this to matisse, but I'll provide an answer for you. My next door neighbor in Maryland for nine years was a divorced woman a few years younger than myself. We never really had much interaction because I was at work all day and she usually worked evenings and weekends. She worked for an emergency service, so whenever there was a major snowstorm (which in the DC-area is anything over 3", lol), she was at work.

For nine years I shoveled her driveway and walkway. She would thank me when she saw me, but there was no other quid pro quo and I never expected one. I couldn't tell you how many times I did this over the years because I didn't keep a scorecard as you noted is your practice and belief. You would probably be shocked to learn that I would also occasionally mow her lawn in the summer after I finished my own yardwork without expecting her to do mine sometime.

And, no, I never got annoyed.

I considered it being neighborly.
Sucker!
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Old 10-07-2016, 09:19 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,110 posts, read 22,968,690 times
Reputation: 35290
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallysmom View Post
My parents were friends with this very nice couple. The husband got very ill quickly and died. They rented, and the landlord was very old. He went to our church, so we knew him too. Big things got handled, because he would hire, but he kept meaning to fix little things and just never got to it. My dad and mom, once every couple of months went over to her place to do those little things. Fix a drawer, fix a drip, change the odd ball outside light...Little things she had no idea how to do. She'd serve dinner and drinks. At Christmas she made these fiddley cookies that were amazing for our Christmas party.

That's what you're talking about. I understand that. My neighbor's house caught fire, and she needed to make a bunch of phone calls to relatives and others...I gave her the use of my phone. This was before cell phones. When I locked myself out of my house and car at 2AM...she let me use her phone to call a locksmith.

But I know other people who aren't like that. The "friends" who asked us to help them move, then said when we were moving, oh, we don't help people move....why don't you hire? The "friends" who decide they don't need cars, they can use bikes, and "you do know how you are defiling the environment with driving" in front of everyone because they are such saints....and then call me up and DEMAND a ride because they no longer have a that car they didn't need?

Well, you must live some sort of blessed life that you've never encountered a special snowflake who feels the world is their playground and you are merely a tool to be used....
Amen.

When I lived in the country in WA, I thought it would be like the old days where people helped each other, like the old barn raising days (which is probably also not based on reality LOL). My daughter's best friend's parents had an organic farm. So, I offered our free services to help them plant on more than one occasion, which involved being there at 4am, and doing hard farm labor.

Another time, this same family was going to paint their house, and we also showed up to help them paint all day for a couple of days.

Then, the day came when I needed help putting up a fence. Nope, they weren't available. I finally offered to pay their son to help me, thinking that would be a nice gesture. The son said sure, but never showed up. I finally called the Mom (who I thought was my friend) in frustration and said this fence needs to get up, as I'm paying for boarding for my horse and it can't wait any longer.

Major drama, lots of angry people show up (her family - Mom, Dad and son) all really furious with having to come put up my fence, with hand out for payment. I paid and said thank you, but was a bit weirded out.

Then, the day came that I asked them if they'd pick up an engine for me with their pickup in town the next time they were in town ( I didn't have a pickup). Just the next time they'd be in town anyway, and someone else would load the engine, and I could arrange to have help ready to unload it at my place (which was literally on the highway on their way home).

You would have thought I'd asked them to go to the moon. I saw them drive by my place (on the highway on their way to/from town) many times. In their opinion, my request was completely unreasonable.

Compare that to me and my daughter providing many days of free farm labor and free paint labor.

So, yes, I have learned to be a lot more aware of tit for tat, and for good reason. I'm not going to paint your house, if you're not going to be willing to put allow someone to put something into and out of your pickup on your way to/from town anyway. At minimum.

Some people.

And they had absolutely no guilt whatsoever about us showing up at 4am to work for free. It just absolutely flabbergasts me. I don't get it. At. All.
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Old 10-08-2016, 08:27 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,053 posts, read 17,361,139 times
Reputation: 41484
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
Oh gosh, I have learned in these subsidized senior apartments, to deflect certain questions. Unfortunately, in senior communities, if you participate in any of the group activities or even stop to chat with someone, you'll get the questions that you learn to recognize as lures to get you to do something for them. One of them is, "Do you have a computer?" Ahhhhh!!!!! I've learned to just say, "Yes." Then, the conversation will morph into they have an old Disney collection they want to put for sale up on Ebay, or whatever. What I've learned to do is say, "There are computers at the library," to which they will usually say something like, "They aren't helpful" or "there's never one available," etc. The trick is to just then say something like, "Huh, that must be frustrating." or "I'm sure you'll figure something out."

With one relentless tenant here, I had to finally say, "I don't want to get involved in that." He kept insisting that I help him sell stuff on Ebay. He wasn't gracefully letting me deflect or passively avoid the subject. I had to repeat it several times, "I don't want to get involved in that." He finally gave up. And this was a guy I was seriously trying to avoid! He sits in the chairs in front of the post office boxes, where you can't avoid him LOL.
I also sell things on eBay and occasionally have had people ask me to sell things for them. I remind them of the going rates in my city for people who help others sell on eBay. The seller pays all of the eBay fees & expenses and the helper handles the correspondence/questions and shipping (the shipping cost I paid by the buyer) and keeps 30% (sometimes even 40% of the net selling price). They never ask again.
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Old 10-08-2016, 12:51 PM
 
Location: Northern panhandle WV
3,007 posts, read 2,172,300 times
Reputation: 6696
I have not read this whole thread, but the initial post read to me as if this woman did not actually ask for these things, the paint, to use the saw etc. You say she inferred it, I say perhaps you had your mind set to "Hear" what you expected to hear, and that she did not ask at all.
Not that the borrowing thing can't be a problem, we have neighbors that ask to borrow things or for help with something, that is not always convenient, but the do actually ask. However the do things for us also.
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Old 10-09-2016, 09:25 AM
 
8,204 posts, read 11,918,472 times
Reputation: 17999
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
Sucker!
Yep, that's me.

Meek, mild-mannered, and easily taken advantage of. I'm sure that comes across in the way that I post here.
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Old 10-09-2016, 01:15 PM
 
4,750 posts, read 4,030,009 times
Reputation: 9947
It is frustrating when you do something as a kindness and then feel like no good deed goes unpunished.
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Old 10-09-2016, 02:18 PM
 
2,690 posts, read 1,626,717 times
Reputation: 5497
Seems to me that the people complaining are the ones who expect something in return if they do anything for another person.

Haven't you people ever done something just to be nice to someone else? Without any expectation of some sort of payback or payment? This is a big problem with society today, too many people play tit for tat. It's not neighborly, and it just makes you look petty in most cases.
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Old 10-09-2016, 02:28 PM
 
4,315 posts, read 2,524,483 times
Reputation: 7686
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katana49 View Post
Seems to me that the people complaining are the ones who expect something in return if they do anything for another person.

Haven't you people ever done something just to be nice to someone else? Without any expectation of some sort of payback or payment? This is a big problem with society today, too many people play tit for tat. It's not neighborly, and it just makes you look petty in most cases.
You are missing the entire point !


It isn't about doing things for people and keeping score !


I took the OP to be talking about people who expect/demand you do things for them.


I am beginning to think lots of the people bashing the OP are ....users... and the exact type of person the OP is referring to.
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Old 10-09-2016, 02:30 PM
 
4,315 posts, read 2,524,483 times
Reputation: 7686
Actually, I doubt .....users......even realize they are users.


The ones I have met presume it is such a great pleasure for other people to accommodate their demands.
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Old 10-09-2016, 02:38 PM
 
3,196 posts, read 1,815,471 times
Reputation: 8438
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ultrarunner View Post
Most all my neighbors are retired... some for 40 years.

They are a pretty independent lot but I do own a backhoe... and there are things I can do in a few minutes that would take them at least a day...

I don't mind and often I volunteer...

One had the nursery deliver a tree... she is 90 and was out with a pick and shovel... I came home for lunch which I seldom do and saw her...

Told her if it could wait until after work I would dig the hole for her... she was most appreciative...

Really a great neighbor in that she is always home... never misses a thing during the day and will sign for packages when I'm not home...

I tend to look at things in terms of their ability and how long would it take me.
Plus, I bet you LOVE running that backhoe! My grandfather had one out in the country and he sometimes dug holes out back just to fill up the last holes he dug!
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