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Old 10-06-2016, 09:16 AM
 
Location: Central NY
4,682 posts, read 3,253,088 times
Reputation: 11987

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Quote:
Originally Posted by RiverBird View Post
There is nothing wrong with subsidized housing. It's just the contrast that's the killer. She wound up with nearly nothing after picking the "right man," and after 20 something years of being the domestic wife in a frou-frou apron handing him a martini on his return from work and then dinner and everything else, secretary sailed in and got it all.

I realize there is nothing wrong with subsidized housing, I have lived in a subsidized apartment for 5 years and feel very grateful to be here.

My point was what you said about the contrast. How can someone who supposedly loved you all those years suddenly turn a deaf ear and blind eye to the circumstance your former spouse is living in. I worked full time and never wore a frou-frou apron. But I did make dinner. When I got divorced and moved out of the "house", my ex told our kids that I "ripped him off". Really???? He is still in the house with 3rd (could be 4th by now) wife.

I could not afford to maintain the house which is why I moved. He did have to pay half of its sale value to me.
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Old 10-06-2016, 09:32 AM
 
825 posts, read 565,793 times
Reputation: 2603
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYgal1542 View Post
That last line really hit me "between the eyes" so-to-speak.

I wonder what is missing in the man's brain to allow his first wife to live in subsidized housing while he and his new wife live in luxury? It's hard to wrap my brain around that.

Anyone else feel dumbfounded by this?

Please do not get me wrong. I know people do it all the time. Even some women do it, the reverse. But if you've "loved" someone for 20+/- years, raised kids together (or not), how can you do this without feeling remorseful?

I don't know if this is coming out the way I mean it to. Still drinking my morning coffee and not totally awake yet. it's just that one sentence. Wow.
The only way I can describe it is that, once a man has a new woman, he really doesn't care what becomes of his former woman. At all. In fact, normally he will fight to keep as much of the marital assets as possible for himself and the new woman. It's as if the former woman is dead to him, even though they loved each other and built a life and family together for a long time. I can't understand it. Maybe a man who has ditched his long-term wife for a new model could chime in?
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Old 10-06-2016, 09:58 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,701 posts, read 4,731,975 times
Reputation: 28235
Quote:
Originally Posted by RiverBird View Post
Sorry, that's a throwback to the 1950s and a gross generalization about both men and women, and their "roles." The right man? Reread in_newengland's post, above. So many "right men," like my husband's father, brought home the bacon as a CEO, got notions as he rose to the top, and dumped my husband's mother for his secretary right around middle age. Yes, the secretary chose the "right man." My MIL lived out her life in subsidized housing.
But that's not a gross generalization at all.
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Old 10-06-2016, 09:59 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,701 posts, read 4,731,975 times
Reputation: 28235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minervah View Post
My ex-husband was not only okay with my working full time he was also more okay with him just working part time or not at all. I guess he chose well while it lasted.
Was this the husband you were assigned at birth?
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Old 10-06-2016, 10:34 AM
 
480 posts, read 400,459 times
Reputation: 2077
Same thing with a woman who ditches a husband for a "better" one. I question whether she concerns herself overmuch with the ex-husband's lifestyle, other than criticizing his single domicile if she thinks it's not good enough for the kids to live there during his custodial periods.

Quote:
Originally Posted by josie13 View Post
The only way I can describe it is that, once a man has a new woman, he really doesn't care what becomes of his former woman. At all. In fact, normally he will fight to keep as much of the marital assets as possible for himself and the new woman. It's as if the former woman is dead to him, even though they loved each other and built a life and family together for a long time. I can't understand it. Maybe a man who has ditched his long-term wife for a new model could chime in?
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Old 10-06-2016, 11:08 AM
 
140 posts, read 147,870 times
Reputation: 280
If folks wants to chime in on the Elder Orphan issue here, I think that might be more helpful than slinging veiled insults about divorced spouses, assets, and the like. My sense from this thread is that some of us are rightfully worried about our lives as elders. If you have no children, living family members or family members willing to help you, what options are you looking into for your old age?

I bought a LTC policy after dealing with the nightmare of trying to get my elderly aunt into a nursing home as a Medicaid applicant. The bottom line is: if you're old and sick, be rich. Otherwise, there's no incentive for care facilities to take you in. It was quite the eye-opener for me, and scary for her, what little she was aware of by that time.

The old days of extended families and multi-generational households are gone with only small segments of the population recharging those scenarios. What other ideas should elder orphans consider?

Constructive discussion on the topic would be welcomed!
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Old 10-06-2016, 11:31 AM
 
6,325 posts, read 5,067,075 times
Reputation: 12850
Quote:
Originally Posted by beatkay View Post
If folks wants to chime in on the Elder Orphan issue here, I think that might be more helpful than slinging veiled insults about divorced spouses, assets, and the like. My sense from this thread is that some of us are rightfully worried about our lives as elders. If you have no children, living family members or family members willing to help you, what options are you looking into for your old age?

I bought a LTC policy after dealing with the nightmare of trying to get my elderly aunt into a nursing home as a Medicaid applicant. The bottom line is: if you're old and sick, be rich. Otherwise, there's no incentive for care facilities to take you in. It was quite the eye-opener for me, and scary for her, what little she was aware of by that time.

The old days of extended families and multi-generational households are gone with only small segments of the population recharging those scenarios. What other ideas should elder orphans consider?

Constructive discussion on the topic would be welcomed!
I've thought about co-housing.

Right now I have a houseful of rescue pets, but I can see myself having a houseful of older ladies in need.
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Old 10-06-2016, 11:58 AM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
4,983 posts, read 2,293,326 times
Reputation: 16696
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
Here's what I have learned so far:

1) There are a huge number of women out there who have completely blown away their own retirement because they spent decades caring for their elders/children/disabled children. I am not saying these are not worthy endeavors, just stating the issue is very real. Now they are starting to need the same services they provided for others and there is no one to help them. Financially or otherwise.

2) Too many of us worked for too long at jobs with low pay and very few, if any, benefits. And many who did this were well educated, so that's not the answer. Too many of us did 'women's' work.

3) This is a jump but I'm thinking part of the nurturing/caregiving personality traits of many women also allows them to have an attitude that's too que sera sera. They just believe everything will turn out OK. And they will just cope. They fail to advocate for themselves or work towards their own best interests. They care for others, not themselves.

4) Too many of us were taken care of too well. We didn't learn the necessary survival skills. We never quite figured out someone croaks last. And whoever is last better know how to take care of themselves. And we just assumed we would maintain the same lifestyle if our H died.

^^^There are 5 of the above for every person who seems to be relatively well prepared. This forum is a brain trust compared to the general public. Even those of us with pretty modest means are way ahead of the pack. I know a lot of people in the planning stages read this forum. Maybe Elder Orphans can help teach us some hard life lessons. Perhaps the group is just more attractive to those who are going through hard times than it is for average retirees? And everyone keeps asking where are the men!
Numbers 1,2 & 3 pretty much define my existence.

Number 2; for me is for me the saddest one. I am well educated & had GOOD paying job/career ...

... That I had to walk away from at age 38 to care for a disabled child.

OP; you are right. This forum is an anomaly of sorts. I've posted here about my concerns for my future & you would be amazed at how many times I was told to "Go back to work".

I'm almost afraid to comment on YOUR thread because judging from some of the replys here; I'd better brace myself.
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Old 10-06-2016, 12:00 PM
 
Location: Washington state
450 posts, read 374,209 times
Reputation: 637
Some, not all, of these women were perhaps too passive or thought the deceased/ex husbands would be better people than they were. I know my MIL "didn't want to fight" and just let FIL sail off into the sunset with wife #2, getting away with being a deadbeat dad and financially not honoring the divorce decree.

Well now MIL is destitute and he's disgustingly happy with his pension and witchy 3rd wife. He couldn't care less whether she lives on cat food even though my MIL ended up taking care of his mother (yup you read that right, his mother) on her deathbed. Aside from having us as relatives, she'd the definition of Elder Orphan, no assets, no spouse, cannot retire.

Maybe it's a generational thing but the passivity/naivete of women can lead to sad outcomes down the line.
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Old 10-06-2016, 12:35 PM
 
3,373 posts, read 3,788,380 times
Reputation: 4189
When my Dad died, my mother didn't know if she had enough money in the checking account to go to the grocery store. Like many their age, he took care of the finances and she took care of the house and kids. He also sold off a LOT of acreage without telling her. He was mortgaged to the hilt, and also co-signed for my evil sister so HER house was on mother's mortgage as well. The only reason she's not destitute is he had some stock in their small town independent bank that was later bought out by M&I. He also had a fear of ending up in a bad nursing home so he bought them both LTC insurance, which Mom is still living off of in her very nice assisted living facility.
As for myself, DH and I have our retirement all planned out. BUT ever since I started reading this forum, I've had to start thinking "What if he dies? Will I be okay?" I made an appointment with a retirement planning specialist as a result, and am hoping we have planned well enough that I would be okay if something happened to him. We also have a fabulous daughter with a wonderful fiance, so I wouldn't be a total Elder Orphan, BUT we live many miles apart!
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