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Old 10-06-2016, 02:20 PM
 
Location: Chicago
306 posts, read 220,763 times
Reputation: 396

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Quote:
Originally Posted by in_newengland View Post
You are exaggerating for the sake of arguing or being right. No one is talking about marrying a drug addict (or waster, whatever that is.) I married a teacher. Is that not respectable to you? He was quiet and nice--until he entered his second childhood and ran off with one of his high school students. I worked all those years that we were married--we were both teachers. Then I was alone for several years, working. Next marriage was to a nice CPA--does that meet your approval for a good choice? He was fine until his parents passed away, causing flashbacks to VietNam with people dying. He left me, was threatening to jump off bridges, went on spending binges, stole my money, and embezzled $20,000. He was arrested but I kept him out of jail because he was sick, not a true criminal.

You got lucky. That is all.
Sweet Jesus! Talk about bad luck...
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Old 10-06-2016, 03:02 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,684 posts, read 3,254,622 times
Reputation: 12002
josie13 originally posted "I speak from experience. After some really worrying years of searching and very low-earning jobs, I was able to land a halfway decent job, but it was nowhere near the level of pay I once had, and it was in a completely different field of employment. Still, I feel very lucky to have been hired anywhere in my mid-fifties."

I can certainly relate to what you wrote here. In my early 50s I made a huge mistake of moving from NY state to TX for a job with the company I worked 25+ years for only to discover a few days before the job was to start that it was no longer available. What a shock, what a learning experience. I had the "sheltered" opinion that I would easily find a good job because of my many years with a huge corporation. How wrong I was. The best I could do was $7/hour...... once it was $6.50/hour. What a joke. Pay rent, car payment, insurance, groceries, utilities, etc. on that....... one of the many reasons I am in debt now and doing my best to get out of debt. I finally took classes to learn how to do another type of job in order to get a little more in my paycheck. Not enough to put into savings. And at 64, another co-worker my age and I were downsized. But I also felt grateful to have had that job for nine years.

I think there are a lot of us out there who had similar experiences.
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Old 10-06-2016, 03:47 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,991,724 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by cb2008 View Post
What does that mean in a marriage which is an equal partnership? If one falls sick or is disabled he cannot count on the other to help?
Of course. That is not the point.

In regard to pointing fingers at single elder women in near poverty who "did not look out for themselves/were not smart/ did not plan," I'm talking about SOME entitled women (like more than a few I know) who NEVER had to look out for themselves and plan. They made the "extra" money. There is a lot of that in our generation, which is fine, no problem, till they look down their noses at the others—it's all their fault, didn't choose the right provider, etc.

Women our age could form collectives, get together and see how to provide mutual assistance and resources. Not being a success with money does not mean not being smart. There's way too many factors to deduce that.
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Old 10-06-2016, 04:03 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,991,724 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYgal1542 View Post
I realize there is nothing wrong with subsidized housing, I have lived in a subsidized apartment for 5 years and feel very grateful to be here.

My point was what you said about the contrast. How can someone who supposedly loved you all those years suddenly turn a deaf ear and blind eye to the circumstance your former spouse is living in. I worked full time and never wore a frou-frou apron. But I did make dinner. When I got divorced and moved out of the "house", my ex told our kids that I "ripped him off". Really???? He is still in the house with 3rd (could be 4th by now) wife.

I could not afford to maintain the house which is why I moved. He did have to pay half of its sale value to me.
So many many women thought they chose the "right man" financially and it all ended in divorce or worse. There are of course decent male spouses who do not retire in wealth but are stable and okay. He dies and "she" can be left with little even if she worked. Add in caretaking, health issues, and COL rises for the single retiree and it's easy to see how many retired women can end up in poverty.

The "elder orphan" issue is of course not tied to economic status, but lower means is another difficult layer for those who are orphaned and without means to make choices or changes.

I reiterate my view that elder orphan women, rich or poor, should stick together and form alliances.
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Old 10-06-2016, 04:31 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,684 posts, read 3,254,622 times
Reputation: 12002
Quote:
Originally Posted by RiverBird View Post
So many many women thought they chose the "right man" financially and it all ended in divorce or worse. There are of course decent male spouses who do not retire in wealth but are stable and okay. He dies and "she" can be left with little even if she worked. Add in caretaking, health issues, and COL rises for the single retiree and it's easy to see how many retired women can end up in poverty.

The "elder orphan" issue is of course not tied to economic status, but lower means is another difficult layer for those who are orphaned and without means to make choices or changes.

I reiterate my view that elder orphan women, rich or poor, should stick together and form alliances.
I was 19 years old when I got married. Never gave a thought to finances. I don't think many, if any, even gave a thought to what could happen down the road. It was graduate high school, some went to college (I did not), get married and have kids. And many of the women worked full time jobs. It was what was "done" back then. Early 1960s. I might have also married young to get away from a very difficult home with parents and older sister.

At h.s. graduation, another girl and I talked about working in D.C., vacationing in Bermuda, etc. But neither of us lived up to those plans. I got married first. And I will confess it was the LAST thing I wanted to do. I did not love him. I disliked him a lot. I was not pregnant. But it was expected since we were engaged, invited people to the wedding, etc. I wanted so much to run away but no one to back me up with some courage. After the kids were born, I used to cry at breakfast table because I was so unhappy and wanted to leave (with the kids), but didn't think I could manage it. Felt trapped.

If I had stayed longer than the 21+ years, there would have been no money worries. But I would have been dead from suicide.
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Old 10-06-2016, 05:10 PM
 
Location: too far from the sea
19,874 posts, read 18,888,113 times
Reputation: 33802
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYgal1542 View Post
I was 19 years old when I got married. Never gave a thought to finances. I don't think many, if any, even gave a thought to what could happen down the road. It was graduate high school, some went to college (I did not), get married and have kids. And many of the women worked full time jobs. It was what was "done" back then. Early 1960s. I might have also married young to get away from a very difficult home with parents and older sister.

At h.s. graduation, another girl and I talked about working in D.C., vacationing in Bermuda, etc. But neither of us lived up to those plans. I got married first. And I will confess it was the LAST thing I wanted to do. I did not love him. I disliked him a lot. I was not pregnant. But it was expected since we were engaged, invited people to the wedding, etc. I wanted so much to run away but no one to back me up with some courage. After the kids were born, I used to cry at breakfast table because I was so unhappy and wanted to leave (with the kids), but didn't think I could manage it. Felt trapped.

If I had stayed longer than the 21+ years, there would have been no money worries. But I would have been dead from suicide.
That sounds horrible but there is no way to predict the future. Some our age were programmed to get married, others of us were programmed to go to college. Marrying a man for his money was looked down upon. You married for love, for companionship, to have a family. Marrying a man for money would be taking advantage of him, using him.

I never thought about retirement back in the '60s either. We just assumed we'd have a pension and that took care of all of it. I never dreamed I would end up divorced or needing to relocate on my own without a job to go to.

I now have a great husband. Not much money but at last I am married to a wonderful man. I am afraid of having no one to care for either of us in very old age but maybe we'll just fall over and die at home. His kids are in England. I had no kids. There is no one to fight to get us into a nursing home and there is no money for assisted living. My parents never needed assisted living though. A few aunts did but most relatives aged in place. We "kids" did take care of our parents though.
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Old 10-06-2016, 07:41 PM
 
123 posts, read 74,060 times
Reputation: 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by coschristi View Post
Numbers 1,2 & 3 pretty much define my existence.

Number 2; for me is for me the saddest one. I am well educated & had GOOD paying job/career ...

... That I had to walk away from at age 38 to care for a disabled child.

OP; you are right. This forum is an anomaly of sorts. I've posted here about my concerns for my future & you would be amazed at how many times I was told to "Go back to work".

I'm almost afraid to comment on YOUR thread because judging from some of the replys here; I'd better brace myself.
Well, this advice certainly isn't wrong.
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Old 10-06-2016, 09:13 PM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
4,987 posts, read 2,296,540 times
Reputation: 16696
Quote:
Originally Posted by Indianapolis Jones View Post
Well, this advice certainly isn't wrong.
I left work to care for a disabled child. There is no such thing as "child care" for children with the level of disability my son has.

It's called "Respite" which does not provide for working hours. Working hours requires "Skilled Nursing" which would cost about $25/hour in my area.

I am an RN. I might make about $28/hour if I go back to work.

I tried a variety of things after my son was declared permanently disabled; including alternating working hours with his father. His father meant well but was absolutely unable to handle his needs.

I like your user name; BTW.
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Old 10-06-2016, 10:38 PM
 
123 posts, read 74,060 times
Reputation: 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYgal1542 View Post
I was 19 years old when I got married. Never gave a thought to finances. I don't think many, if any, even gave a thought to what could happen down the road. It was graduate high school, some went to college (I did not), get married and have kids. And many of the women worked full time jobs. It was what was "done" back then. Early 1960s. I might have also married young to get away from a very difficult home with parents and older sister.

At h.s. graduation, another girl and I talked about working in D.C., vacationing in Bermuda, etc. But neither of us lived up to those plans. I got married first. And I will confess it was the LAST thing I wanted to do. I did not love him. I disliked him a lot. I was not pregnant. But it was expected since we were engaged, invited people to the wedding, etc. I wanted so much to run away but no one to back me up with some courage. After the kids were born, I used to cry at breakfast table because I was so unhappy and wanted to leave (with the kids), but didn't think I could manage it. Felt trapped.

If I had stayed longer than the 21+ years, there would have been no money worries. But I would have been dead from suicide.
Quote:
Originally Posted by in_newengland View Post
That sounds horrible but there is no way to predict the future. Some our age were programmed to get married, others of us were programmed to go to college. Marrying a man for his money was looked down upon. You married for love, for companionship, to have a family. Marrying a man for money would be taking advantage of him, using him.

I never thought about retirement back in the '60s either. We just assumed we'd have a pension and that took care of all of it. I never dreamed I would end up divorced or needing to relocate on my own without a job to go to.

I now have a great husband. Not much money but at last I am married to a wonderful man. I am afraid of having no one to care for either of us in very old age but maybe we'll just fall over and die at home. His kids are in England. I had no kids. There is no one to fight to get us into a nursing home and there is no money for assisted living. My parents never needed assisted living though. A few aunts did but most relatives aged in place. We "kids" did take care of our parents though.
Can't say I have much sympathy for those that choose divorce over honoring a commitment.

My mother did honor her commitment and, therefore, will have a comfortable retirement. Both of my parents will. And they had children, one of whom will fight for them and knows the health care system well.
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Old 10-06-2016, 10:40 PM
 
123 posts, read 74,060 times
Reputation: 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by coschristi View Post
I left work to care for a disabled child. There is no such thing as "child care" for children with the level of disability my son has.

It's called "Respite" which does not provide for working hours. Working hours requires "Skilled Nursing" which would cost about $25/hour in my area.

I am an RN. I might make about $28/hour if I go back to work.

I tried a variety of things after my son was declared permanently disabled; including alternating working hours with his father. His father meant well but was absolutely unable to handle his needs.

I like your user name; BTW.
Thanks.

And you could make way more than $28/hour, especially as an RN. Have you considered going back to school for your NP? I know NPs corner the market in Colorado.
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