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Old 11-05-2016, 12:52 AM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,110 posts, read 22,968,690 times
Reputation: 35295

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My experience is with a daughter, and I can tell you that all daughters are not different than sons, as some are saying.

My daughter barely had time for me, and expected me to drive to her when we did have time together, and she often treated me like a chore or duty. She would basically schedule any time we had together to be during her work week, so she didn't have to deal with me during her evenings and weekends - including talking on the phone. Unless, of course, she was sick or needed help. But, when I moved away to somewhere I could afford to retire, she was angry as can be, and has stopped speaking to me altogether.

They want you nearby, to just know you're there and expect you to be there for them whenever they want or need you, which won't be very often, in my experience. But, move away and you are a horrid parent.

I also moved a couple times to be closer to her in the past, and she moved when she needed to move for different jobs, and intended to leave the state, but got lucky when the real estate market crashed, so she was able to stay in the state and buy a house after all. So, it's okay for them to move - but not us.

The thing is, they want you there when they need you, but they sure don't want you moving in with them LOL. When I tried to explain to my daughter why I needed to move many hours away, so I could afford to retire, and she was so angry, I said, "Well, you don't want me to move in with you, do you?" Oh, the look of horror on her face LOL.

No matter what you do, it probably won't be right as far as your kids are concerned. You'll be too meddling, not meddling enough, you really just can't win for losing.

It's painful either way. If you stay, you will feel resentful that they won't spend time with you. If you move and they're angry with you for moving, it will hurt. So, since they will be unhappy with you either way, you might as well move where you want. All you can do is tell them you love them and they are welcome to visit, and then try to get on with your life.
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Old 11-05-2016, 09:24 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,785 posts, read 4,841,461 times
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I think the consensus is to move where you want. I live in a large community of mostly transplants from other states. They have moved from all over the country to be here. They have kids in other states and they drive or fly to see them as frequently as their budget and their kids' schedules allow. They often have their grandkids for several weeks or even a couple months in the summer, giving their adult kids time for adult vacations. Most of them feel this is the optimum situation. I can see that this could be a problem if you move TOO far away and your budget is tight. If you are in driving distance, that would be ideal as it's a lot easier on the budget than airfare. We're in a lake community,so many folks also host their kids and grandkids as a vacation destination, and they show the family a really good time when they come to visit. In general, most younger people don't want to sit around the house and talk to their elders, but fun outings and memorable adventures are a lot of fun, and they inspire the kids to visit more often. It's a lot cheaper for the adult kids than taking the family to Disneyland.

You need to look out for your own needs and desires. If you need, or desperately wish, to live somewhere cheaper/warmer/safer/more interesting than your hometown, do it. I think of it like this...would you expect or insist that your children live/stay where you want them to? That would be selfish, right? So for children to do it with their retirement age parents is also selfish.
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Old 11-05-2016, 01:40 PM
 
214 posts, read 256,576 times
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My children are in their twenties. I moved 5 hours away from them, and although I miss them, it wasn't the wrong decision. I hate traveling, but they don't mind, so they come see me when they can.
Plus, with the internet, you can always speak and see them in real time.
To parents, kids are their whole world. To kids, their parents only take up a small amount of space in their world.
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Old 11-05-2016, 02:42 PM
 
Location: Ashland, Oregon
255 posts, read 132,839 times
Reputation: 484
After reading the above responses, one can conclude that no two families are alike.

In my case, we have three grown daughters. One lives nearby with her family (two boys). We see them all the time and are on call for emergencies (as are they). The boys have friends in our neighborhood so they come over here and ride their bikes, create neighborhood chaos and have a ball. Daughter and I sit on the front porch and watch them while enjoying the nice weather. It works for us.

Middle daughter, always the independent one, lives in another city with her husband, about an eight-hour drive away. We don't talk every day but get along well and have a strong bond. They drive down here two or three times a year.

Youngest daughter moved out a few months ago and lives with her boyfriend about three hours away. We talk or text several times a week and are very close. They are in the process of 'finding themselves' and need to do it without parental interference, although we're always available to talk and help when asked.

I am ALWAYS looking at different places to live. There are cheaper areas out there and my husband and I aren't rich. I find a place, make up my mind, and get ready to make it happen..... Then my daughter arrives with the two boys who jump all over me and tell me about their day at school, what they want for Christmas, what they are wearing for Halloween .... And I'm stuck. So, here we'll stay.
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Old 11-05-2016, 02:46 PM
 
2,412 posts, read 1,323,460 times
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When the grandkids come along (and who knows when that may be unless there is one in the works right now) ... when you can't visit daily (which you probably would not do anyway unless you offer to babysit every day) .. SKYPE is the answer for those times when you can't 'be' there but want to see the little darlings.


You can see and hear them coo and fuss and you will not have to change their diapers. Visit occasionally (8 hours is not that long a drive and you don't have to plan to stay in a motel overnight along the way) and then you can 'feel' them squirm and giggle. Mail the candy so the kids get their grandparent 'sugar high' without you having to even get them ready to send home.


Consensus here seems to be ... move where YOU want to be and where YOU will be happiest. I agree. I did.


Your only real issue is probably timing because you have two still at home. Did you mean that you would leave them with their siblings when you moved even if they were not age of majority at that time? You know your kids but do you think it wise to do that at their ages? I can see that the fire fighter might be very responsible but will he be able to properly watch over and essentially 'parent' the younger kids? If not, can you afford to purchase that property and use it just for vacations perhaps for the next couple of years? Or do you think the younger ones would adapt well to a move if it is just for (them) a couple of years or so and then they can go where they wish?
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Old 11-05-2016, 06:39 PM
 
2,684 posts, read 1,048,002 times
Reputation: 3333
Quote:
Originally Posted by WarWagon View Post
I KNOW there are older threads on this. I searched around a bit, but I suppose I want to get some input on folks that are closer to our situation. Here it is:

We have four sons, 13, 16, 18, 23. The two oldest have moved out across town and we rarely see them and only hear from them when they need something. That hurts, but we understand its pretty typical with boys, so we take what we can get and support them when they need it.

The younger two are likely to follow along with their brothers, as we don't allow curfews being blown and we expect to know where our children are as long as they live with us. The two older ones decided they didn't like sharing the chores needed to keep a house livable and neat, and they didn't like having to be home at a reasonable hour on weeknights, so they left. Both regret the rent, insurance and other bills they are bearing due to this...

My wife and I have fallen in love with a home in the North Arkansas countryside about 8 hours drive from here. Idyllic location, mountains and clear river bordering property. We visit the area often for summer vacation, and the boys love it. But they arent gonna move there, quoting that they dont want to leave their friends, etc. The oldest son is a fireman and I dont think he would ever move away from the city life.

My question is, do most of you go to the more peaceful, beautiful location and make it a getaway for the kids and their friends or try to make the best of staying put in a huge city?

I have spent a long and successful career in law enforcement, have a little side business that I can take with me, and to be honest, I am feeling the effects of life in the fast lane. I am certain my wife would love living there, and there is some family that moved near there years ago, but I am concerned about how she will respond when grandbabies start being born back here 8 hours drive away.

We both want to be there so badly and the financial situation is fine, but really want feedback from those that have punched out of the rat race and what that looks like 5 or 10 years down the road. We are both 50 and 4 years away from retirement...

The WarWagon is my old dodge truck by the way, that I will never let go.

Thanks for your thoughts.
You have the right to live the life you want to live: absolutely you should move--you've earned it. Since your older sons are not interested in a relationship with you, why would you and your wife stay in the city so that, at some undetermined point in the future, your sons could simply use you as babysitters, and you could continue to feel exploited by your children and be miserable? That's no kind of life at all. If babies come up in the future, their parents can bring them for visits on weekends, or you can go to the city a couple of times a month. In any case, that's not relevant now. What will make you happier on a daily basis? The answer to that is your answer.
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Old 11-25-2016, 01:04 AM
 
526 posts, read 509,236 times
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Everyone has a different story and different characters they are dealing with. Ideally, it would be great to own property in both locations and spend vacation time in one place until the kids graduate from their schools in the other place.
If you are wearing out due to the stress of living where you are now, by all means, make the switch.
After all, if you stay where you are and the stress kills you, you won't be of any use to your children or yourself.
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Old 11-26-2016, 08:32 AM
 
49 posts, read 36,226 times
Reputation: 112
We just moved 750 miles away from our only daughter. Our situation is that through the years we had always felt obligated to DH's parents by living close to them (every holiday, every birthday, always expected to be there). We wanted our newly married daughter to be able to create her own family traditions. We also wanted to give a totally different lifestyle and climate a try so that there would be no regrets. Yes, we miss her a lot but the reality is that she had gotten very busy with her own life and we only saw her every few weeks if that. Time for us to do our own thing while we still can.
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Old 11-27-2016, 05:41 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,867 posts, read 14,390,517 times
Reputation: 30765
I think your oldest sons are still young enough to possibly move farther away for a job or a love interest. You and your wife are young enough to enjoy a place as you describe, peaceful and "idyllic". If you were 10 or more years older, I would want to caution you about being far away from your kids, but you are young enough to live around 20+ years on your own before having to move closer to family. And by then, your kids will have settled down.

If you do make the move, it is likely that you will not be able to age in place until you die, unless there is family near you. My parents moved to a rural retirement community decades ago. My dad died there, and my mom lived there for about 15 more years, until we had to move her into an ALF. We then had to move her close to my sis's home, so she would not be alone in a city with no family. She could not continue to live on her own, and she needed family to take her to doctor and advocate for her in the ALF.

The only thing I would caution you about in you case, is whether your youngest would be graduated when you move. I think you should allow him to graduate with his friends. He might not do well if moved, say, in his senior year. And, he might not enjoy changing home towns even at the age of 19. So, think about that before making hard and fast plans.
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Old 11-28-2016, 04:11 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,982,141 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExNooYawk2 View Post
After reading the above responses, one can conclude that no two families are alike.

In my case, we have three grown daughters. One lives nearby with her family (two boys). We see them all the time and are on call for emergencies (as are they). The boys have friends in our neighborhood so they come over here and ride their bikes, create neighborhood chaos and have a ball. Daughter and I sit on the front porch and watch them while enjoying the nice weather. It works for us.

Middle daughter, always the independent one, lives in another city with her husband, about an eight-hour drive away. We don't talk every day but get along well and have a strong bond. They drive down here two or three times a year.

Youngest daughter moved out a few months ago and lives with her boyfriend about three hours away. We talk or text several times a week and are very close. They are in the process of 'finding themselves' and need to do it without parental interference, although we're always available to talk and help when asked.

I am ALWAYS looking at different places to live. There are cheaper areas out there and my husband and I aren't rich. I find a place, make up my mind, and get ready to make it happen..... Then my daughter arrives with the two boys who jump all over me and tell me about their day at school, what they want for Christmas, what they are wearing for Halloween .... And I'm stuck. So, here we'll stay.
I hear Ashland's quite a nice place to live. What is expensive there?
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