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Old 11-21-2016, 03:49 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,890 posts, read 25,331,777 times
Reputation: 26385

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Camaro5 View Post
Just to clarify, we are looking into Henderson, Nevada. Just outside of Vegas. There are some nice facilities there, but we have not looked at costs. As I see it, there are issues whatever way you go. He is very outgoing and likes to be busy, and I'm not sure he would have that living with us.

We are just at the beginning discussions about this and I appreciate the comments. I think his having his own place (at an ALF like he has now) would give him some independence but he would still be close. It might be the best of both worlds, but it's only my opinion.
I go to Henderson all the time. The downtown area is very walkable and senior friendly. There is a big senior apartment complex attached to the senior center. The apartments are huge and everyone has their own patio or balcony.
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Old 11-21-2016, 05:08 PM
 
1,168 posts, read 2,403,210 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Camaro5 View Post
The situation is that we want to take early retirement next year and relocate to a city that is about 1800 miles away. We would be buying a home and paying cash. The topic came up yesterday about her father coming along and moving in with us when we relocate. He's close to 80 and has health issues. He's paying $5,000 a month now to live in an assisted living facility. Rather than paying them, he would contribute to our household.

I kind of have mixed feelings about this. I understand my wife (who is an RN) would be worried about leaving him behind. He is okay with us moving but I believe he is not crazy about it. He really is a nice guy, but without sounding selfish, this is not the way I had planned our retirement. There will be the lack of privacy and probably the freedom to come and go as we please, plus there is the care-giving issues, which will inevitably have to be dealt with.

The easiest thing to do is just go along with it, even though I have some reservations. As my wife points out, he doesn't have that much time left, but who really knows? One other concern is him getting bored. Where he lives now there are a lot of senior activities and he stays active. Maybe we could find him some kind of groups like that in the new location?

I do see both sides of this, but I do have mixed feelings about it. My wife is thrilled about it, and he is, too. I don't want to be the bad guy, so am I just better off going along with the plan?
Your wife is sure about that is she? you could be us 18 years ago-"our elderly parent" is now 98-good luck to you bub-one of you could go before her father does- just sayin
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Old 11-21-2016, 06:30 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,053 posts, read 17,369,523 times
Reputation: 41489
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nell Plotts View Post
Perhaps you can find an assisted living facility in your new community. He would be near his daughter but she wouldn't have the day-to-day responsibility for his care.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stratman View Post
You and your wife need to get on the same page with this issue. Your wife is thrilled about it and you have mixed feelings. Yes, you could just go along with it so as not to be the bad guy, but you said yourself that this is not your idea of retirement so it won't take long for resentment to set in which is usually followed by anger which will affect your marriage and your relationship with your FIL. I agree with others here. Either don't move or move your FIL into assisted living in your new location. But whatever you do, you and your wife need to be in agreement about it.
Good points.

Quote:
Originally Posted by exit82 View Post
Your wife is sure about that is she? you could be us 18 years ago-"our elderly parent" is now 98-good luck to you bub-one of you could go before her father does- just sayin
I agree that you don't know how long he will live. In my extended family we have had several situations where the younger caregiver adult child passed away before the elderly parent. In at least one case, everyone speculated that it was in part because the caregiver was not taking good enough care of their own health. The frail elderly, very, very sick mother outlived her caregiver daughter by over a decade.

I have several relatives who lived to be over 100, so IMHO, do not assume that an 80 year has only a few years to live.
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Old 11-21-2016, 10:01 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
21,541 posts, read 44,028,155 times
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Based on family experience with elderly parents and kids living too far away - whatever you do - don't be too far away from FIL, as he ages. It's way too hard on you/wife to be dealing with long-distance aging issues. I could write a book. More than anything, you will be doing your wife and yourself a disservice if he doesn't come with you - whether it be to live with you or near you.

Your FIL sounds like an adaptable sort. Chances are if you find a nice facility nearby, he will be happy there. Men are more easily pleased, generally. And, the women won't leave him alone - but he probably already knows that.
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Old 11-22-2016, 05:03 AM
 
Location: Central Massachusetts
4,800 posts, read 4,850,322 times
Reputation: 6379
Quote:
Originally Posted by Camaro5 View Post
The situation is that we want to take early retirement next year and relocate to a city that is about 1800 miles away. We would be buying a home and paying cash. The topic came up yesterday about her father coming along and moving in with us when we relocate. He's close to 80 and has health issues. He's paying $5,000 a month now to live in an assisted living facility. Rather than paying them, he would contribute to our household.

I kind of have mixed feelings about this. I understand my wife (who is an RN) would be worried about leaving him behind. He is okay with us moving but I believe he is not crazy about it. He really is a nice guy, but without sounding selfish, this is not the way I had planned our retirement. There will be the lack of privacy and probably the freedom to come and go as we please, plus there is the care-giving issues, which will inevitably have to be dealt with.

The easiest thing to do is just go along with it, even though I have some reservations. As my wife points out, he doesn't have that much time left, but who really knows? One other concern is him getting bored. Where he lives now there are a lot of senior activities and he stays active. Maybe we could find him some kind of groups like that in the new location?

I do see both sides of this, but I do have mixed feelings about it. My wife is thrilled about it, and he is, too. I don't want to be the bad guy, so am I just better off going along with the plan?
I can relate to your story. I have had MIL in my house for the last 12 years. She is still healthy and probably does too much but it keeps her young. She is 83 and is widowed. We are planning on selling the house in about 5 years. She isn't thrilled about it because she putters around the yard like the queen (which she is). We have a good plan though when we do sell the house to go back to Korea the 3 of us and if and when her time comes we will bring her back home to be with her husband.


Quote:
Originally Posted by alpineprince View Post
Simple really: Happy Wife=Happy Life!
Those words are absolutely important to remember. It is easy for us to just deal with it for the time it is needed.
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Old 11-22-2016, 07:21 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,982,141 times
Reputation: 15649
OP,
There are many adult day care centers where you can enroll your FIL so that he's not alone and bored during the day, such as:

Adult Daycare Center of Henderson  
1201 Nevada State Dr, Henderson, NV 89002

The tough times will be evenings and weekends, when you want to go off on your own and not worry about leaving him alone. With paying $5K a month now, FIL can well afford to hire a Friday night and weekend companion even at $20/hour, maybe even with some overnights.

If you haven't bought a house yet, try to find one with an inlaw apartment or at least with an extra bedroom-bath for live-in help.

You sound like a very honest, compassionate SIL.
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Old 11-22-2016, 07:32 AM
 
Location: Southern Nevada
2,885 posts, read 1,217,386 times
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We were talking about this again last night and I mentioned something about him keeping busy. Wife said he does to dialysis 2-3 times a week and wants to get him involved at one of the senior centers. He not an invalid and can take care of himself for the most part. She does not think that would interfere with us going out and doing things.

I am still skeptical that I'm going to be the one chauffeuring him around when I want to go do something. I don't mind helping out to some extent, but I did not plan to retire to be a caretaker. So it's fine line. As someone said, there could easily be some resentment after a while, and I would like to avoid that.
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Old 11-22-2016, 07:50 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,982,141 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by Camaro5 View Post
We were talking about this again last night and I mentioned something about him keeping busy. Wife said he does to dialysis 2-3 times a week and wants to get him involved at one of the senior centers. He not an invalid and can take care of himself for the most part. She does not think that would interfere with us going out and doing things.

I am still skeptical that I'm going to be the one chauffeuring him around when I want to go do something. I don't mind helping out to some extent, but I did not plan to retire to be a caretaker. So it's fine line. As someone said, there could easily be some resentment after a while, and I would like to avoid that.
I would sit down with FIL and have a frank discussion. He must have a lot of money to be paying $5K a month now for asst. living. Explain that if he needs to go places daily he will have to pay for transportation. Some locations have free senior van service, by appt. Ask him to air his concerns as well, so you all don't go into this blindly. Maybe make up a budget for him living with you: rent and food, outside transport service, maybe maid service and laundry, entertainment, etc. I doubt that expense budget would come anywhere near what he's paying now, and you will have all aired your concerns with solutions to each.
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Old 11-22-2016, 07:54 AM
 
Location: Grove City, Ohio
10,134 posts, read 12,390,523 times
Reputation: 13984
Quote:
Originally Posted by alpineprince View Post
Simple really: Happy Wife=Happy Life!
Yep!

That is the way it is.

A son is a son until he takes a wife.

A daughter is a daughter all of her life.
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Old 11-22-2016, 08:03 AM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,699 posts, read 4,424,965 times
Reputation: 11675
Quote:
Originally Posted by Camaro5 View Post
Just to clarify, we are looking into Henderson, Nevada. Just outside of Vegas. There are some nice facilities there, but we have not looked at costs. As I see it, there are issues whatever way you go. He is very outgoing and likes to be busy, and I'm not sure he would have that living with us.

We are just at the beginning discussions about this and I appreciate the comments. I think his having his own place (at an ALF like he has now) would give him some independence but he would still be close. It might be the best of both worlds, but it's only my opinion.
My mother was in a ALF that also had a day program that some people came to for social aspects and even stayed over if their home caregivers needed respite or were traveling. Perhaps you might find a similar situation for your FIL at the new location.... and eventually if residing with you wasn't working anymore over time, he would already be comfortable in that environment.
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