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Old 11-22-2016, 01:42 PM
 
Location: Boise, ID
8,043 posts, read 23,710,612 times
Reputation: 9334

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I wish you luck whatever you choose. But in my experience, I would never allow it. My dad's mom lived with us my entire childhood. Dad's dad passed away 4 years before I was born, and grandma lived there until after I left for college, so having mom's in-laws in the house was normal for me. As a child, I didn't pick up on the animosity, but now as an adult looking back and talking to mom, I know better. As grandma got older, she got needier and meaner. She would open all of mom's mail to snoop and then berate her for her choices, based on whatever she saw in the mail (like credit card purchases). She would make up horrible stories about how mean mom was to her, and how she stole all of her money, and wouldn't let her use the (shared) kitchen or laundry room, and tell the entire family, turning them all against my mom (none of it was true, in fact, my parents were paying most of her living expenses). She told my mom once to her face how she wasn't good enough for my dad and he never should have married her.

It SHOULD have broken up their marriage. That it didn't is a tribute to my mom's patience.

And this was in a huge house (6000 square feet) with built in mother in law quarters and a separate entrance. I can't imagine how it would be in an average sized house. And she was fairly independent, so mom didn't have to interact with her much at all. Again, I can't imagine if she had had to care for grandma on a daily basis. That would have been too much.

I'm not saying your FIL will definitely be like this. There is absolutely a lot of character that comes into play, on both sides, to determine what your relationship would be. I'm just demonstrating one of a myriad of reasons why this arrangement can be a bad idea.

If you choose to do it to keep your wife happy, you are a saint, and I wish you luck.
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Old 11-22-2016, 02:28 PM
 
6,186 posts, read 2,852,918 times
Reputation: 15665
Really comes down to : include or exclude.

How do you view excluding?
How do you view including?

Each are vices and pro thinking...

If I exclude the option .. Then I am including some more free time (in the dog house).
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Old 11-22-2016, 02:37 PM
 
Location: Southern Nevada
2,875 posts, read 1,212,459 times
Reputation: 3186
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lacerta View Post
If you choose to do it to keep your wife happy, you are a saint, and I wish you luck.
Well....thanks, but a saint I am not. With my wife being an RN and experienced in elder care she has the sensibility to know if/when the old guy was too much to handle or needed more care than he could get from her.

Right now he is in pretty good health. If he had to go into (another) ALF in our new location, so be it. It wouldn't be something out of the ordinary.
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Old 11-22-2016, 02:37 PM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,962 posts, read 3,452,717 times
Reputation: 10475
I'm looking into Henderson also but in a senior building. Why don't you check out Nevada hands.org & check on resources. They all look great to me.
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Old 11-22-2016, 03:00 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,884 posts, read 25,311,688 times
Reputation: 26351
Quote:
Originally Posted by meo92953 View Post
I'm looking into Henderson also but in a senior building. Why don't you check out Nevada hands.org & check on resources. They all look great to me.
The Pines are quite nice and you can walk to restaurants, coffee shops, bakeries, and casinos(they have great cheap food). And the Senior Center is right there at the corner of the complex.
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Old 11-23-2016, 03:27 PM
 
Location: Eastern Washington
14,220 posts, read 44,887,015 times
Reputation: 12797
An extra $5K per month would come in handy for me, anyway.

Just sayin'
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Old 11-24-2016, 02:53 PM
 
761 posts, read 637,452 times
Reputation: 2229
Been there, done that with the father in law who has now passed on.
Moving him in was "ok" at 1st.
He had mild dementia that got progressive and ended up with Alzheimers.

He was always stubborn and bull headed and got more like a child as time progressed.
Granted, it was the disease and not the man, but his behavior drove a wedge between my wife and I and then between my wife and her family. She became responsible for his care and most of the decisions regarding his future. The wife thought he was home manageable Nd the rest of her family and I did not agree.

He finally ended up in a long term care facility and ended up dying in there but caused rifts all over that he was never aware that he was causing.

You'll need a strong will and an even stronger marital relationship!
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Old 11-24-2016, 05:41 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,845 posts, read 14,349,419 times
Reputation: 30694
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariadne22 View Post
Based on family experience with elderly parents and kids living too far away - whatever you do - don't be too far away from FIL, as he ages. It's way too hard on you/wife to be dealing with long-distance aging issues. I could write a book. More than anything, you will be doing your wife and yourself a disservice if he doesn't come with you - whether it be to live with you or near you.

Your FIL sounds like an adaptable sort. Chances are if you find a nice facility nearby, he will be happy there. Men are more easily pleased, generally. And, the women won't leave him alone - but he probably already knows that.
This. He needs to be geographically close to you. Otherwise, you will spend money and time going back and forth to see him, and to take care of his needs if he has a health reversal. Also, residents of ALFs tend to get better care if relatives show up frequently and ask questions from time to time.

Someone who is in pretty good shape now at age 80 will only ultimately decline. It is better, IMO, to have him move to an ALF near you. As he is now, he will have time to get used to the new place, and to feel at home. If he moves when he is in dementia, it will be harder for him to adjust. It is best for him to move now, IMO.

The other suggestions, such as guest apartments will work for awhile. But in an ALF he should have stimulation and activities in greater variety than if he stays in a private residence. These are hard decisions. I think you need to speak frankly to your wife about this. She needs to know how you feel.
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