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Old 11-21-2016, 09:49 AM
 
Location: Southern Nevada
2,875 posts, read 1,213,249 times
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The situation is that we want to take early retirement next year and relocate to a city that is about 1800 miles away. We would be buying a home and paying cash. The topic came up yesterday about her father coming along and moving in with us when we relocate. He's close to 80 and has health issues. He's paying $5,000 a month now to live in an assisted living facility. Rather than paying them, he would contribute to our household.

I kind of have mixed feelings about this. I understand my wife (who is an RN) would be worried about leaving him behind. He is okay with us moving but I believe he is not crazy about it. He really is a nice guy, but without sounding selfish, this is not the way I had planned our retirement. There will be the lack of privacy and probably the freedom to come and go as we please, plus there is the care-giving issues, which will inevitably have to be dealt with.

The easiest thing to do is just go along with it, even though I have some reservations. As my wife points out, he doesn't have that much time left, but who really knows? One other concern is him getting bored. Where he lives now there are a lot of senior activities and he stays active. Maybe we could find him some kind of groups like that in the new location?

I do see both sides of this, but I do have mixed feelings about it. My wife is thrilled about it, and he is, too. I don't want to be the bad guy, so am I just better off going along with the plan?
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Old 11-21-2016, 09:54 AM
 
Location: Portland, Oregon
9,991 posts, read 16,658,941 times
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Perhaps you can find an assisted living facility in your new community. He would be near his daughter but she wouldn't have the day-to-day responsibility for his care.
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Old 11-21-2016, 09:58 AM
 
16,720 posts, read 14,688,308 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Camaro5 View Post
The situation is that we want to take early retirement next year and relocate to a city that is about 1800 miles away.
...
I understand my wife (who is an RN) would be worried about leaving him behind.
So don't move; stay where you are and travel instead until FIL dies, then move.
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Old 11-21-2016, 10:08 AM
 
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My good friend did this after her father had a stroke. Her mother was still ok and stayed in the retirement apt but father needed more care. My friend is also an RN and although that can be very helpful for some things it can also make some things difficult. This lasted for a year and then my friends mother started going down hill and she was then moved into the house too. OMG!!! Both had walkers, both were in adult diapers, and both were dementing.


Her husband started out ok and then things got hostile. My friend had some help but tried to do most of it herself and her sister helped some but then her husband said my friends sister was not helping enough and then he was bad mouthing her all the time, it became seriously stressful. My friend would then come to work and literally talked non-stop about the stress which then became problem at work. They were very lucky that the parents had ample funds.


Eventually, my friend had to realize she needed to move both parents into assisted living and things settled down but this took up over 2 yrs of their lives. I'm sure there are a hundred different stories from people and you may not find any of this happens to you. BUT do not go into this with your eyes closed or not considering many, many details. This will be life changing for you and your wife while he is there with you. Get help when you need it.
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Old 11-21-2016, 10:19 AM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,546 posts, read 39,924,861 times
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If he is congenial and independent, get a place with seperate qtrs and access (guest cottage) and set some boundaries and 'enjoy'. We had my dad for 32 yrs, not by choice, he was a pill. FIL already has plans to Move-in as soon as his Gold Digger croaks.

We are very independent, so it is a 'stretch', but we will have less that 5 yrs total empty nest during 40 married. We still get out a lot and travel (all of 2016), just arrange for caregivers, some 'live-in'. Big country house with seperate guest qtrs and RV hookups and owning 3 neighboring houses as options / rentals helps (with income too).

Learn to get along and not pamper or enable, or start bad habits. Role reversal is a delicate dance.

BTW, Nothing about retirement has gone as planned.... so u might want to plan on getting 'flexible'. I will have spousal care, pre- age 65 to demise. Not as planned. Enjoy each moment as it comes.
http://www.city-data.com/forum/membe...althrabbit-335
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Old 11-21-2016, 10:26 AM
 
100 posts, read 65,282 times
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You and your wife need to get on the same page with this issue. Your wife is thrilled about it and you have mixed feelings. Yes, you could just go along with it so as not to be the bad guy, but you said yourself that this is not your idea of retirement so it won't take long for resentment to set in which is usually followed by anger which will affect your marriage and your relationship with your FIL. I agree with others here. Either don't move or move your FIL into assisted living in your new location. But whatever you do, you and your wife need to be in agreement about it.
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Old 11-21-2016, 10:33 AM
 
Location: Miraflores
782 posts, read 893,007 times
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Simple really: Happy Wife=Happy Life!
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Old 11-21-2016, 10:36 AM
 
Location: Central Mexico and Central Florida
7,095 posts, read 3,457,793 times
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Don't do it. Find him an assisted living place near your new home. Regardless of age and ability, adult family members living together almost never works out. Add in old age, need for assistance/care..well, it's not worth the aggravation and stress it will put on your marriage.
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Old 11-21-2016, 10:40 AM
 
Location: Southern Nevada
2,875 posts, read 1,213,249 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
So don't move; stay where you are and travel instead until FIL dies, then move.
We now live in the Chicago area and I don't need to tell you how bad the winters are here. This is going to be the last one, no matter what. There are other factors, but that is the biggest one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nell Plotts View Post
Perhaps you can find an assisted living facility in your new community. He would be near his daughter but she wouldn't have the day-to-day responsibility for his care.
This is a good idea. My wife mentioned it "if he needed it eventually" but I think it would be good because he would have more to do. He loves the place he's at and I'm sure we could find just as nice of a place at the new (warmer) location for less than the $5K a month he pays now.
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Old 11-21-2016, 11:03 AM
 
1,185 posts, read 662,802 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Camaro5 View Post
We now live in the Chicago area and I don't need to tell you how bad the winters are here. This is going to be the last one, no matter what. There are other factors, but that is the biggest one.



This is a good idea. My wife mentioned it "if he needed it eventually" but I think it would be good because he would have more to do. He loves the place he's at and I'm sure we could find just as nice of a place at the new (warmer) location for less than the $5K a month he pays now.
If your FIL loves where he is now, I would have major reservations about moving him. Assisted living places have different "vibes", and the loss of relationships, familiar activities and food, plus the known routine could be very difficult.

Have you considered snowbirding to FL or AZ - is that where you are considering to move to? If he is happy and stable in his current environment, perhaps being gone for 3-4 months would be okay. There are easy connections back to Chicago from those places.

Check out the caregivers forum where people moved in their elderly folks who then lived on for a decade or more. I think he would be bored if he is happy now in his AL environment. I would not mess with success, but I am speaking from experience when unfortunately my mother declined very quickly after a change in environment.
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