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Old 12-05-2016, 05:53 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,485 posts, read 43,795,280 times
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It is not uncommon for many of us just getting used to retirement having to make hard decisions about our parents who can no longer live alone. My DH and I went through it plus we had teens to deal with at the same time. That is why it's called The Sandwich Generation. I found this article a bit helpful but every situation presents different challenges.

My mother would not even consider looking at assisted living. "No matter what you call it, it's still a nursing home". She had been living with us almost 10 years ( a BIG MISTAKE) and it was way past time for her to move. My marriage was at stake. I finally got her there on the pretense of a party she might enjoy. After seeing the lovely facility and seeing not everybody was sitting around drooling in the lobby she acquiesced. The irony is that she ended up sitting in the lobby drooling after her dementia got so bad.

https://www.washingtonian.com/2016/1...sisted-living/
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Old 12-05-2016, 08:39 AM
 
Location: Central NY
4,676 posts, read 3,250,875 times
Reputation: 11982
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
It is not uncommon for many of us just getting used to retirement having to make hard decisions about our parents who can no longer live alone. My DH and I went through it plus we had teens to deal with at the same time. That is why it's called The Sandwich Generation. I found this article a bit helpful but every situation presents different challenges.

My mother would not even consider looking at assisted living. "No matter what you call it, it's still a nursing home". She had been living with us almost 10 years ( a BIG MISTAKE) and it was way past time for her to move. My marriage was at stake. I finally got her there on the pretense of a party she might enjoy. After seeing the lovely facility and seeing not everybody was sitting around drooling in the lobby she acquiesced. The irony is that she ended up sitting in the lobby drooling after her dementia got so bad.

https://www.washingtonian.com/2016/1...sisted-living/
I've moved my mother and my sister (at separate times, of course). It is never easy. You can know it is the right thing to do, but for me, I was forever questioning myself.
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Old 12-05-2016, 12:02 PM
 
Location: VT; previously MD & NJ
2,206 posts, read 1,350,381 times
Reputation: 6344
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
It is not uncommon for many of us just getting used to retirement having to make hard decisions about our parents who can no longer live alone. My DH and I went through it plus we had teens to deal with at the same time. That is why it's called The Sandwich Generation. I found this article a bit helpful but every situation presents different challenges.

My mother would not even consider looking at assisted living. "No matter what you call it, it's still a nursing home". She had been living with us almost 10 years ( a BIG MISTAKE) and it was way past time for her to move. My marriage was at stake. I finally got her there on the pretense of a party she might enjoy. After seeing the lovely facility and seeing not everybody was sitting around drooling in the lobby she acquiesced. The irony is that she ended up sitting in the lobby drooling after her dementia got so bad.

https://www.washingtonian.com/2016/1...sisted-living/
As you found out, you have to take them there to see the place. This worked for my parents (over 10 years ago). These days, you can start by showing them pictures from the online websites of these facilities.

I do remember telling them that if they got sick at an Assisted Living place, they would call an ambulance and be sent to the hospital -- that the assisted living people don't deal with illness. It also helped to explain to them that they would have their own little apartment with refrigerator and microwave, laundry service, cleaning service, and restaurant meals. It helped that the place we picked was near my house (moved them from NJ to MD), and walkable to a shopping center with several restaurants, grocery store, pharmacy, etc. They could (and did) bring their own furniture.
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Old 12-05-2016, 01:26 PM
 
6,267 posts, read 4,740,348 times
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When my time comes, I hope I have enough sense just to go to sleep and not wake up.
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Old 12-05-2016, 01:35 PM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,612 posts, read 39,986,663 times
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plan this transition to 'better' living early and document the discussion with notes / living document.

Visit and interview many, use their 'hospitality plan' (come and try for 30 - 90 days some cost usually involved)

When the time comes to ACT you can have some evidence and agreement.

Consider using a 'Senior Transition Company' to assist with the physical planning and move and reorganizing / making the new spot 'home', dealing with the excess STUFF (some will even handle the Real Estate transactions). They are often very good, skilled, experienced, thorough, helpful, and work WELL with seniors. It can be easier for 'someone else' to do this task, as emotions are not primary and the transition is Objective based (not emotional based)..

Turnkey move, usually in one day. Senior client has already met with and determined the stuff that goes, and where it will be placed. They leave for the day and return HOME to their new 'unit' / care center / apartment. Everything is put in place, drawers full of their known articles and welcome to your new home. Excess items are sold, auctioned or donated and the SeniorTransition company delivers the funds / and receipts to client.
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Old 12-05-2016, 02:41 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,676 posts, read 3,250,875 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jrkliny View Post
When my time comes, I hope I have enough sense just to go to sleep and not wake up.
I have the exact same wish for myself.
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Old 12-05-2016, 08:46 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,747,361 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jrkliny View Post
When my time comes, I hope I have enough sense just to go to sleep and not wake up.

It's wishful thinking to suppose we can achieve that through force of will. If only!
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Old 12-05-2016, 09:18 PM
 
Location: Florida -
8,767 posts, read 10,851,233 times
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You are asking, "How to help aging parent make necessary move," but, you really mean, "How to MAKE your aging parent make a move YOU think is necessary, when they don't." The reality is that if THEY thought it was a necessary move, you would not have a problem "HELPING" them make it.

As long as they are rational adults in charge of their own finances and lives, your "HELP" will likely (and rightly) be viewed as non-desired interference. If they are losing their grip on reality and unable to care for themselves, you might need to employ whatever manipulation is necessary to protect them from themselves. But, you should first seek-out professional expertise, before seeking to impose your well-intentioned opinions on their lives.

Last edited by jghorton; 12-05-2016 at 10:02 PM..
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Old 12-06-2016, 04:21 AM
 
Location: Ypsilanti, MI
2,448 posts, read 3,668,587 times
Reputation: 4820
Quote:
Originally Posted by jghorton View Post
You are asking, "How to help aging parent make necessary move," but, you really mean, "How to MAKE your aging parent make a move YOU think is necessary, when they don't." The reality is that if THEY thought it was a necessary move, you would not have a problem "HELPING" them make it.

As long as they are rational adults in charge of their own finances and lives, your "HELP" will likely (and rightly) be viewed as non-desired interference. If they are losing their grip on reality and unable to care for themselves, you might need to employ whatever manipulation is necessary to protect them from themselves. But, you should first seek-out professional expertise, before seeking to impose your well-intentioned opinions on their lives.
I perceive from your post that you have not yet had to deal with this heart wrenching decision, lucky for you. Allowing an incapable adult to live on their own, even when they are convinced they are adequately capable, is a form of neglect or cruel indifference.
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Old 12-06-2016, 04:30 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,485 posts, read 43,795,280 times
Reputation: 47259
Quote:
Originally Posted by jghorton View Post
You are asking, "How to help aging parent make necessary move," but, you really mean, "How to MAKE your aging parent make a move YOU think is necessary, when they don't." The reality is that if THEY thought it was a necessary move, you would not have a problem "HELPING" them make it.

As long as they are rational adults in charge of their own finances and lives, your "HELP" will likely (and rightly) be viewed as non-desired interference. If they are losing their grip on reality and unable to care for themselves, you might need to employ whatever manipulation is necessary to protect them from themselves. But, you should first seek-out professional expertise, before seeking to impose your well-intentioned opinions on their lives.
I doubt anybody would take on such a difficult project without carefully considering the resistance they will face.

We all know change is extremely difficult for most folks as we get older.And older people fail to RECOGNIZE , how their finances and lives and homes are falling apart. There is no easy way for an inevitable transition and big change.

For one thing assisted living is extremely expensive. And the cost sometimes falls on the kids to share or it might mean a significant reduction of estate left to inherit. And sometimes the responsibility of making sure finances and independent living are going OK falls to someone already extremely busy with a career or family--the daughter or daughter-in-law. And many times they aren't even in the same state. Families simply aren't clustered in one area like they used to be. Long distance caregiving is wrought with stress, uncertainty, and dangers. I can see no situation where a family member would insist on a change in living conditions unless they feared for the safety and well being of their loved one.

My own father-in-law refused to make any changes in his lifestyle no matter how much his family tried to persuade him. He cut himself off from those who tried and ended up alienating the family in his community who could help him the most. His death was not discovered until the neighbors complained about the stench of his decomposing body.
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