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Old 12-17-2016, 11:45 AM
 
Location: Florida -
8,760 posts, read 10,832,098 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by David A Stone View Post
Great post !


I recall reading an advice column where adult children were advised to error on the side of caution when getting their parents to surrender their drivers license.

The advice giver stated to do it early because...."it is your inheritance "....that could be at risk.

Something about that advice rubbed me the wrong way !
The advice is obviously self-motivated, however, the driver's license (and vehicle) issue is very real. To many older people, having the car/truck parked outside symbolizes their independence and freedom ... even if they never drive! This is extremely important to the dignity and self-esteem of the elderly. (There are many ways to deal with the potential danger posed by those who are incapable, but, still 'might' decide to get in the car and try to drive somewhere.)
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Old 12-17-2016, 01:10 PM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,745 posts, read 4,214,395 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jghorton View Post
The advice is obviously self-motivated, however, the driver's license (and vehicle) issue is very real. To many older people, having the car/truck parked outside symbolizes their independence and freedom ... even if they never drive! This is extremely important to the dignity and self-esteem of the elderly. (There are many ways to deal with the potential danger posed by those who are incapable, but, still 'might' decide to get in the car and try to drive somewhere.)
There is no absolute way to prevent an older person from driving without removing his access to his car/truck. Ask me how I know...
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Old 12-17-2016, 02:18 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,484 posts, read 43,738,878 times
Reputation: 47257
I've heard of people disabling the vehicle when an elder refuses to give up the keys.
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Old 12-17-2016, 02:37 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,005 posts, read 17,327,635 times
Reputation: 41271
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
I've heard of people disabling the vehicle when an elder refuses to give up the keys.
Yes, sometimes, that works, but, people on the Caregivers Forum have also reported that sometimes their loved ones were savvy enough to ask the next door neighbor to help get the car started or to call their long time mechanic to "fix the problem". And, then drove the car.

So, IMHO, just disabling the car and leaving it at the residence is not enough.
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Old 12-17-2016, 03:31 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,834 posts, read 14,349,419 times
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I have to say, I would not want to go along with this. I am not sure what they might gain by marrying, and I see what they would lose. You cannot reason with people who are in dementia, and I imagine that these two are both in early stage dementia, and cannot reason well.

Why not promise them a Valentine do of some sort in February? No one wants to separate them, and I think it would be cruel to do so. But I would be against a marriage.

Family has to have the best interest of their elder in mind, and the marriage puts them at risk, and accomplishes nothing. If the families veto this, they would not be the first families to do so.

Another issue is maybe they want to sleep over? Perhaps they feel it is immoral to do so unless married? I do understand that sometimes sexual behavior takes place in ALFs, although I have no firsthand knowledge of such. I don't have a solution for that situation. If they think they can't practice some sexual behavior that they want to do, then I do see they have a problem. But they aren't hurting anyone if they do.

The major thing to be considered is to safeguard the elder who has poor judgement.
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Old 12-18-2016, 04:25 AM
 
Location: Central Mexico and Central Florida
7,095 posts, read 3,455,118 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
I have to say, I would not want to go along with this. I am not sure what they might gain by marrying, and I see what they would lose. You cannot reason with people who are in dementia, and I imagine that these two are both in early stage dementia, and cannot reason well.

Why not promise them a Valentine do of some sort in February? No one wants to separate them, and I think it would be cruel to do so. But I would be against a marriage.

Family has to have the best interest of their elder in mind, and the marriage puts them at risk, and accomplishes nothing. If the families veto this, they would not be the first families to do so.

Another issue is maybe they want to sleep over? Perhaps they feel it is immoral to do so unless married? I do understand that sometimes sexual behavior takes place in ALFs, although I have no firsthand knowledge of such. I don't have a solution for that situation. If they think they can't practice some sexual behavior that they want to do, then I do see they have a problem. But they aren't hurting anyone if they do.

The major thing to be considered is to safeguard the elder who has poor judgement.
It is not up to the family to decide whether one or both of these seniors are incompetent. That is something for a Court to decide.
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Old 12-18-2016, 10:11 AM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,699 posts, read 23,651,778 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dothetwist View Post
It is not up to the family to decide whether one or both of these seniors are incompetent. That is something for a Court to decide.
Exactly! Two popular medical terms being thrown around these day are "ADHD" and "Dementia." Both being bestowed upon kids and old people just too readily by unqualified "diagnosticians" devoid of medical degrees.
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Old 12-18-2016, 10:36 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,484 posts, read 43,738,878 times
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Actually you only have to have a court declare someone incompetent if there is a dispute about something serious like where and with whom they will live, how finances are handled, etc. And it can't be that you don't like what they want or how they spend their money. It has to be deemed unhealthy or very irresponsible and jeopardize their future.

I had to have my 84 year old mother declared mentally incompetent and I was named her guardian to make important decisions about her care. I had a POA for many years and successfully managed her affairs but my alcoholic brother came out of the woodwork and wanted to move her out of state to a nasty facility where his new wife worked. They convinced her she needed to move even though my brother didn't visit her once in more than 6 years and he was only 45 miles down the interstate. It was a very difficult decision to make but definitely the best one for everyone involved. Six months after the hearing he found out he had cancer and 3 months after he died his wife married the guy she was having an affair with the whole time she was married to my brother (3 years).My mother lived peacefully in the same ALF for 2 more years and died at age 86.
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Old 12-22-2016, 11:27 AM
 
3,758 posts, read 10,631,420 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
Actually you only have to have a court declare someone incompetent if there is a dispute about something serious like where and with whom they will live, how finances are handled, etc. And it can't be that you don't like what they want or how they spend their money. It has to be deemed unhealthy or very irresponsible and jeopardize their future.

I had to have my 84 year old mother declared mentally incompetent and I was named her guardian to make important decisions about her care. I had a POA for many years and successfully managed her affairs but my alcoholic brother came out of the woodwork and wanted to move her out of state to a nasty facility where his new wife worked. They convinced her she needed to move even though my brother didn't visit her once in more than 6 years and he was only 45 miles down the interstate. It was a very difficult decision to make but definitely the best one for everyone involved. Six months after the hearing he found out he had cancer and 3 months after he died his wife married the guy she was having an affair with the whole time she was married to my brother (3 years).My mother lived peacefully in the same ALF for 2 more years and died at age 86.
I think that's really important to stress --- guardianship isn't about getting the person to do what YOU think is "better" It's about preventing a danger and a jeopardy to their future. Not necessarily about making someone act "responsibly".
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Old 12-23-2016, 07:48 AM
 
11,118 posts, read 8,527,266 times
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Two words: Commitment ceremony. All the pomp and flash of a wedding. No legalities involved.
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