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Location: Formerly Pleasanton Ca, now in Marietta Ga
10,345 posts, read 8,557,056 times
Reputation: 16679
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation
I do think social isolation is a major problem. Walk into any gym, bar, sporting event crowd, etc., and almost everyone is buried in their phone. People just don't talk anymore.
In regard to the holidays, maybe it's just me, but I've never been into the holidays really. I'm not very religious, so there's not that aspect, and hate all the commercial hoopla and pressure to reciprocate on gift-giving. I tell people I don't want anything, then they buy me things I don't want or need, so I have to reciprocate. I see the family I want to see frequently. It's just not special to me.
I get enough social interaction in my day to day routine. I'd be quite happy to just have some alone time during the holidays, but instead, I'll be eating overcooked ham and veggies and forced to put on a smile when I'd rather just be hiking or something.
Lol! After spending all my life in Ca I moved to Ga last year. Years ago I made a lot of friends in my gym-headphones were not prevelant. I'm in a new gym now and even making a serious effort to be social it's hard. You're right, everyone is buried in their phone. I've been working out 5 days a week during the busy hours and have met only a few people. If you try to talk to someone they look annoyed that you took them away from their music or phone conversation or texting.
Having relocated around the country several times I have had to make new friends as I went. I found the best way was to get involved in common interests like golf, bowling, gardening, pickleball (big one in retirement communities), local food banks, any number of things. What worked for me was golf. Get out and get involved. You will meet people and make friends.
Some people are more "social" then others. I see it everywhere, and I noticed it since kindergarten. I know people who only got married because the very thought of living alone was petrifying; so it was required. I also know people who skipped getting married because they simply like their space. Not getting married (and all the social that goes with it it) only became acceptable about 50 years ago. There was an attempt to recreate that about 30 years ago, but it went nowhere.
My single-by-choice brother died of cancer last year, told no one that he was dying, including me, simply because he was not interested in an audience. He confined the notice to a friend who basically was the "custodian" of his final months. And that was that. I don't blame him. I'd do the same thing if it was me.
These social butterflies who write these articles think life is like high school - not in a clique? you're weird. Most people outgrow that stuff. Some don't. Like I always say, all those men don't construct pole barns for nothing, you know.
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My single-by-choice brother died of cancer last year, told no one that he was dying, including me, simply because he was not interested in an audience. He confined the notice to a friend who basically was the "custodian" of his final months. And that was that. I don't blame him. I'd do the same thing if it was me.
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Oh man. I tend to think of myself as a tough guy, but this was too much. I'm sorry about your loss, TwinbrookNine.
Having moved from the Midwest to Manhattan, I noticed the stark difference in people's social conduct. In Manhattan, people put in serious amount of effort to not talk, smile, small-talk, have eye-contact etc. with others. And you can see that in an office elevator. We used to have a small TV screen in the elevator with the tag line: "such-and-such TV, it's here so that you don't have to talk to the person next to you".
In here, we are drowning in relationships but starved for a connection.
Last edited by budweiser; 12-25-2016 at 07:31 PM..
Lol! After spending all my life in Ca I moved to Ga last year. Years ago I made a lot of friends in my gym-headphones were not prevelant. I'm in a new gym now and even making a serious effort to be social it's hard. You're right, everyone is buried in their phone. I've been working out 5 days a week during the busy hours and have met only a few people. If you try to talk to someone they look annoyed that you took them away from their music or phone conversation or texting.
Welcome to Georgia---I know it's cultural shock, moving from CA (I grew up in NJ, now live in Gwinnett). I agree with how people are at the gym---didn't meet anyone until I started group fitness classes. But don't you think this could be said of anywhere? As you noted, years ago headphones and cell phones weren't prevalent---but now they are. I know Californians are supposedly more progressive/enlightened than Georgians, but I'm pretty sure the obsession with technology instead of real life people afflicts Californians as well. In fact, I had a friend who moved from California to GA and she was glued to her cell phone. (She had a lot of difficulty ever considering GA to be home, even though her husband has a good job here after several years of unemployment in CA, they have a nice home, lower cost of living---but in her eyes, every thing is better in California.)
I think a lot of people could learn from what I used to see back in the 1980s--okay, maybe it's the year 2016 about to be 2017, but to me some things just shouldn't change. It was called hospitality.
During that era, and also where I was (eastern NC), people weren't so into their "boundaries" such as "call before you come over" or how "it's not a good time to come over, we're with family today." In my day back then, if you just showed up at someone's house unannounced, it wasn't treated with the same level of disdain such as if you crashed a party at the Buckingham Palace and disturbed the presence of the Almighty royalty (Kate Middleton, Queen Elizabeth and company). Even if the person was in the middle of something or tired, you were invited in. Now, if they were in the middle of something or sick etc, they'd let you know and say "I can't talk for long today, I'm dealing with XYZ" etc and it was cool, you were not made to feel like you had smashed the Ten Commandments in front of God because you didn't call to make an appointment with them first like they were the dentist. People weren't as inclined to be all proud of how, hey, I don't want people "presuming" on me like that.
Also, during Christmas and such, you could stop by the home of friends who weren't family and even if, say, their sister or their mother etc were present, you weren't scolded for "disrupting a FAMILY get-together," they would be like "hey, you're practically family to us, come on in and pull up a chair." Also, people ANSWERED their phones when you called vs letting it go to voice mail because they didn't want to be "disturbed," they returned the calls which they missed, and just overall made you feel welcome.
The way people are these days in terms of their precious "boundaries" makes me sick. Now, I respect them, but I don't agree with them. I've seen and experienced this better way, and it's no contest. To me "I'm an introvert" means "I'm selfish and I don't care about anybody but myself and what I can get out of other people when it's convenient for me and my precious 'boundaries.'." Period.
These social butterflies who write these articles think life is like high school - not in a clique? you're weird.Most people outgrow that stuff. Some don't. Like I always say, all those men don't construct pole barns for nothing, you know.
Having friends is not the same thing as being in a clique. Not all groups of friends are cliquish. Having friends is also not something that people "outgrow". Normal people will have some friends, even if a small number, regardless of their age. It is not pathological to have friends and to go places and do things with them. Rather, it is normal.
To me "I'm an introvert" means "I'm selfish and I don't care about anybody but myself and what I can get out of other people when it's convenient for me and my precious 'boundaries.'." Period.
You seem to be confusing being an introvert with being selfish.
I can be considered an introvert and I am not like that at all. In fact, introverts are the last people who would ask anyone for any help at all.
I like my own space and living alone. That does not mean I resent others 'intruding on my boundaries'.
I've had perfect strangers find their way to my house for one reason or another, and never turned down the chance to help them. I don't know why they come to my house; maybe it looks friendly!
Some examples:
An elderly woman came to my door. She was carrying a couple of large shopping bags from a store in NYC. It became apparent that she suffered from Alzheimers or something similar. She got off the train at the right station, but lost her way after that. I invited her in and kept her entertained until her son was able to come and pick her up.
A woman was walking to the train station, and because the road was being reconstructed in front of my house and was all torn up, she had mud all over her shoes and feet. She came up to my house asking if she could use the hose to wash off her feet. Sure, no problem!
Another woman knocked on the door asking where the post office was. She was walking and I not only told her where it was located, I gave her a ride to the PO and waited for her to conduct her business, and took her home.
Yes, I'm an introvert, but I'm not selfish and actually enjoy helping others and experiencing the randomness of crossing paths with others.
I'm sure I'm not the only person like that. You may want to reconsider your definition of the word 'introvert'.
Location: Formerly Pleasanton Ca, now in Marietta Ga
10,345 posts, read 8,557,056 times
Reputation: 16679
Quote:
Originally Posted by jazzcat22
Welcome to Georgia---I know it's cultural shock, moving from CA (I grew up in NJ, now live in Gwinnett). I agree with how people are at the gym---didn't meet anyone until I started group fitness classes. But don't you think this could be said of anywhere? As you noted, years ago headphones and cell phones weren't prevalent---but now they are. I know Californians are supposedly more progressive/enlightened than Georgians, but I'm pretty sure the obsession with technology instead of real life people afflicts Californians as well. In fact, I had a friend who moved from California to GA and she was glued to her cell phone. (She had a lot of difficulty ever considering GA to be home, even though her husband has a good job here after several years of unemployment in CA, they have a nice home, lower cost of living---but in her eyes, every thing is better in California.)
I didn't mean to infer ga was the only place like this. I think it's everywhere. Ca was just as bad. My point was more about my timing of wanting to meet people. It's just plain more difficult today than it was 10 or 15 years ago.
When I left ca our gym had expanded. Many of the people I knew were no longer there and it was every bit as difficult to meet new people. I've gone back to ca a few times and went to my old gym and it's not the same. All new people mostly glued to their phones. There's some people with work out friends but you're kind of a 3rd wheel cutting in.
Ga was not culture shock in any way. I had expected southern tradition. I moved to Marietta and race wise it's a different mix than ca, but to me the people are quite the same as ca. I think so many people from out of state have moved here that it's not really the south. Seems like many people I have talked to came from Chicago,philly, D.C. Etc.
For me the only thing I miss is a few friends and family, the nicer weather, and a few restaurants. Last year I went back to ca 3 times for a total of about almost two months to take care of clients so I got my ca fix in. This year I have no plans to return so we'll see how I feel.
Overall my current plan is to stay in ga. I like it and I like the money I save. The lower col allowed me to retire early. I can move back to ca, but I figured it would cost me about $24k a year in rent. If I stay here my plan is to use the $24k to travel, maybe during the hottest and coldest months here.
So far I like it here. I just need to work on meeting a few people.
Coming off from a lovely Christmas with family and a visit from my MIL for a couple of days, I can see a stark difference between my MIL and my Mom and social isolation is probably one of the reasons. I won't rule out other factors such as genetics and personality types thrown into the mix though.
My Mom and Dad socialized in their younger years but it became less and less as they aged until it was only the two of them, a sister and us children and two cousins they saw occasionally. They were happy as a couple although Mom developed vascular dementia in the past 5-6 years. Dad stayed physically active and engaged with the internet while Mom's world became smaller focusing on reading and her health. Dad died this year and Mom has lost all interest in life, anti-depressants aren't helping and it seems she is just done with life. Ahe has no interests any longer.
I have spoken here of my MIL before and the inspiration she is. My FIL died 6 years ago and she has built a new life after a very long marriage, or at least carried on with living a full life. She drove an hour and 45 minutes to our house to stay over Christmas. She gently refused our offer to gladly pick her up and bring her back. She said she wants to keep up her driving skills but will absolutely take us up on our offer when the time comes that she needs it.
She is so busy with her social life in FL that we only saw her at Christmas last year, and we all vowed to make time to visit more this season. In the summer she is busy hauling around great grandkids to band camp, summer school, daycare or being daycare. She gardens, has repainted outbuildings, and helped rehang doors with one granddaughter's new home and re screening my SIL house. The six months in FL are low mainteneance me-time for her. Sh has kept in contact with people from high school, work, her northern neighborhood, square dancing, and churches in both locations. She is very social with many friends/acquaintances and she has become legend within the family with her energy and unconditional love.
At Christmas it was delightful to see my grandson take "greatmama's" hand shortly after she arrived to read books with her. He knows she will listen to his every word. She was flanked at dinner by both grandkids vying for attention. DIL and I are definitely second class and ignored when she visits, as it should be. We were invited to my DIL's parents for Christmas dinner. MIL asked to see all the work they have done on their house because she knows they are extremely creative and love repurposing things. They have met her before and as she left they extended an invitaition to "please come by anytime, you are always a welcome person to this household".
While I dearly love my Mom, I want to be like my MIL. Well maybe somewhere between my MIL and Mom. I admit I do not have the energy or patience of my 86-year-old MIL. I don't want to be her, but I certainly want to be more like her. I think staying in contact with many different people from different walks of life and using Facebook to keep up with people's lives have helped her stay mentally sharp and engaged, while my Mom's isolation, if not contributing to, has certainly not helped her dementia.
Last edited by jean_ji; 12-26-2016 at 10:22 AM..
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I'm sorry about your loss, TwinbrookNine.
Hospitality vs "Boundaries"
