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Old 12-25-2016, 05:24 PM
Location: Columbia SC
9,034 posts, read 7,795,643 times
Reputation: 12293



While I think you like the idea of being close/living with them, if they need your money to make the deal happen, I would be nervous. Not that you do not want to help them but if it went wrong and you wanted out could you and/or they afford to get you out? That is the main question.

Some have suggested a rental arrangement which either party could end. Consider something like that.

Simply tell them you like the idea and are willing to help but you are concerned how it could end if not all are happy. Throw the ball back in their court.
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Old 12-25-2016, 05:55 PM
20 posts, read 13,608 times
Reputation: 17
My mom moved into a senior living apartment , which means she luves aline because she's still independent , but there are people there to check on her.
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Old 12-25-2016, 11:04 PM
Location: Silicon Valley
18,154 posts, read 23,084,529 times
Reputation: 35416
Originally Posted by BrassTacksGal View Post
"I won't have any help when I need assisted living, but the government will take care of me." How will the government take care of you? I wasn't aware that our government provided assisted living for seniors.
I'm on California's version of Medicaid. When I can't take care of myself, do you think the'll just throw me under a bridge? Nope. I'll be taken care of.

As would you, if you ran out of resources.
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Old 12-26-2016, 12:33 AM
16,023 posts, read 19,745,966 times
Reputation: 26210
Originally Posted by mamasplace View Post
After becoming a widow a little over two years ago, I have moved away from both my children and enjoyed it LOL. My adventures have been great but I have begun to develop several health issues which are causing me to reassess my location and support system. I am alone here in the south and starting to really feel it. And then, there is that "not getting any younger" voice in my head.

Recently, my son has been talking of having me move back to his area. He and his wife plan to buy a house up north (first time homebuyers) and would like to include me in their plans. That would involve either a 2 family house, one with an in-law space or something else. Not sure what other options there are to have me on their property in NH while affording us all the privacy we need and the "just in case".

Anyway, it's a lot to think about and I am leaning towards yes. We have yet to discuss financial things with regard to the living arrangements. I have many questions of course but am writing them down to discuss at an upcoming conversation.

- do they need me to help with a downpayment to make this happen? Yes, I can afford it and would consider it an investment.
- or do I just pay my "rent" and utilities etc?

I honestly don't see them being financially able to do this without some type of financial help from me, but I am not sure what/how much is reasonable expect?

I would like to have at least some idea before I ask my questions so I can decide ahead of time what I am comfortable with etc.

I appreciate input please! Many thanks.
The fact is that you asserted that you have been enjoying your move, I do not think giving up your independence will be a good transition.

I do think that your concerns with your recent health issues is valid, so a move nearer them, if they can be part of the support system you seek would be ok, but only if you want to trade the weather concerns, your independence etc.

The other questions that you have regarding what your son and DIL expect are very valid. Those are going to be needing a long, and through discussion.....and even then it is only your best guess for what will really happen down the line.

Personally, I don't think moving back is your only option because you left out several important variables that should be part of your decision.

Why did you move away in the first place after your husband passed? Those reasons may still be very valid....and would giving them up be worth the move back?

The fact that you assume that your son wants you to be part of the financial backing leads me to believe there has been something related to this in your past with him(how did it turn out?).....Otherwise why not assume that he was simply concerned for you medically?

Are both your adult children in the same area? If not, where does your other child live and would it be a better weather environment?

You mention nothing about your age, and age can make a big difference in what you may be willing to invest monetarily, as well as how much assistance you need going forward. If you still work, you may have more available to lose. If you are on a fixed income, with no recovery options of your resources available....you cannot risk losing a down payment if everything goes awry.

I do hope that you give much thought to all your questions....and do not forget that you alone, and what you want your life to look like going forward should be your main concern.

What do you want if all things regarding support were equal. If you love your current area, why not look at the resources there concerning your medical or living needs.....and continue living there.

Or perhaps your son would consider eventually moving closer to you if he is not fully established.

So many variables. Others have mentioned very important ones i.e. future issues that could drastically affect you if you align your financial needs to your son/sil.....not the least of which is his ability to support himself and you if there is a divorce or job loss. etc.

I do hope that you'll update as you go through finding out the answers during your discussions.
Good luck to you.
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Old 12-26-2016, 06:28 AM
Location: Ypsilanti, MI
2,461 posts, read 3,680,420 times
Reputation: 4842
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
I'm on California's version of Medicaid. When I can't take care of myself, do you think the'll just throw me under a bridge? Nope. I'll be taken care of.

As would you, if you ran out of resources.
I am in BrassTacksGal corner on this one.
Our Gov't programs only provide Convalescent Home type assistance; and then only after you have depleted all you own resources - including sale of home. Yes, I know it is a lien against the home versus a forced sale, but it is effectively the same thing in the financial sense.
I have searched for Assisted Living financial assistance for two of my relatives who possibly should be in such a facility now, and found nothing. Monthly costs for these facilities are $3500 to $5000 in our area.
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Old 12-26-2016, 07:43 AM
Location: Loudon, TN
5,833 posts, read 4,871,492 times
Reputation: 19615
NoMoreSnow, I went through this with my mother in the last years of her life in California, you need to research what you are saying here before you actually need it. You can get subsidized independent living if your income is below about $2k per month, but you will find that assisted living is generally not subsidized by the state and medi-cal does not pay for assisted living. Medi-cal will pay for the portion of nursing home care that medicare doesn't cover, but only if it is necessary post-release from an acute care hospital, and many nursing homes do not take medicare/medi-cal patients, especially if the care required is extensive.

MI-Roger is correct regarding the cost of AL in California, typically $3500-5000. If you are eligible for section 8, you could find an IL facility that takes section 8 subsidy and apply for IHSS (in-home support services) to assist with the ADL's. This was what we ended up doing with my mom. Often they have long waiting lists to get into subsidized places, but you can get bumped to the head of the list if you are "displaced" from your previous place due to increasing disability. I know this is hard to believe, but I've been through it and it's really hard to find a way to work it out

If you think they won't "throw you under a bridge", ask yourself why there are poor, old people living under bridges all over the state of California???
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Old 12-26-2016, 08:46 AM
226 posts, read 177,973 times
Reputation: 88
OP- as someone else had mentioned- you did not mention your age. Are you in your 60's or 80's? Why did you move down South? To avoid the cold? If so, you really need to take that into consideration. Will your health be worsened by living in a cold climate, where half the year you will be stuck inside? Is your health in such a state that you will be unable to live independently in the near future? Are you originally from NH? Will you have old friend there or will yo be starting all over?

Only you know your children. You know whether they want you to move back to make their life easier and whether or not, when your health declines, will they be there for you.

If possible, could you split your time? Half the year in the South and the other half in NH. Maybe you could possibly purchase a small apt in each locale, that you rent out when not there.

Ultimately, it's your time now. Enjoy it. Do NOT co-sign on anything. If you want to give them a deposit for the house, understanding you will likely never see it again, do that. BUT, do not co-sign anything. Sounds like you are having fun where in the South. Do not feel obligated or pressured to move back.
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Old 12-26-2016, 09:11 AM
6,914 posts, read 7,318,475 times
Reputation: 9831
The OP's previous posts have been in the Florida board, so I'm thinking that's where she is.
Everyone has raised issues to consider…some which may be of more or less importance in her case. But that's how you figure things like out out -- brainstorming about various factors.

I hope she comes back to give us an update.
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Old 12-26-2016, 01:05 PM
Location: State of Waiting
607 posts, read 765,088 times
Reputation: 1392
They only want you there for your money so they can have what THEY want! Sounds totally self centered on their part, to even ASK you to move back!

AND perhaps you can be a built in babysitter for their kids... gee, what blast that would be. You get to pay half to live there AND watch the kids while they go out and have fun. No guarantee that they will "be there for you" in case something happens. More often than not, you would be placed in a retirement home and sonny and his family would be livin' large in the house that YOU paid for... and you're stuck in the cold weather with strangers to take care of you in a retirement home. Nope, bad idea.

Moving back is a Bad idea. Stay where you are. It sounds like you like it there. You are not responsible to take care of your adult son. Please do not give him your retirement funds. PLEASE.

Tell your son he is a grown man and need to adjust his needs and wants to fit his budget. You need your money for your retirement and to enjoy your life. You have paid your dues.
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Old 12-26-2016, 02:34 PM
Location: Location: Happy Place
3,703 posts, read 1,885,943 times
Reputation: 11373
Not that my son would ever want me near him, but if he had asked this, I would think that financial assistance would be a motive.

Better just gift him the money and live your life where you are happy. You may open yourself up for him ordering you about, directing your life, etc. Control, it may be all about that. No way no how.
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