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Old 12-27-2016, 02:39 PM
 
2,499 posts, read 1,426,684 times
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When people cut off their parents there is usually a reason and not just a single minor event.

I don't speak with my father in law (he raised me from an infant after my mom remarried when my biological father passed when I was just 2 months old) at all except if we have to go to court. The man is unstable, beat the crap out of me and my mother on occasion for 18 years. Most of the time he was just quite, wall of stone look on his face laying on the couch watching the news. He thought he was a hero because we didn't starve or we had a roof over our head. Every couple of years though there would be a few days that he would just beat the crap out of one or both of us. He was an emotionally distant jack ass that had a rough child hood and had no way to express his feelings or rage in any other manner. I pity him for what he had to go through, forgive him for any harm and wish him the best but I have no interest in contact with him.

Over the years they finally got divorced. He blamed me for the divorce because he said "she wouldn't of been strong enough to leave me if you were not there". I got threatening phone calls from him for years, we had a restraining order against him which he violated just enough to be a nuisance but not enough to go to jail over.

He has awkwardly reached out to me last year (after 15 years of random BS or silence) by sending an old photo of him and my mother in a Christmas card. I didn't reply. This is the same guy that the year before had called leaving messages on my machine "to meet me in the ****ing parking lot you ****ing *****" or I caught on video taking pictures of my fifth wheel while we were on vacation in FL.

I was visited several years ago by a "concerned brother" of a woman he dated. He was concerned that she was getting abused. Unfortunately it looks like he may never learn his lesson.

I have no interest in adding that kind of instability to my life nor dealing with his BS when he flips his switch. I can thank him for the good times we shared, I can forgive him for the crap that has happened and I can wish that he just leaves me, my family and my property the F alone. I don't really care what stories he told his therapist, if he has one, or his friends.

When his father was about to die from lung cancer he went in there to see him and punched him in the gut. I refuse to allow that history to continue, which many family issues do continue on and on and on. I choose to break free of the crap that has followed him and the family and refuse to put myself and MY family in jeopardy over one idiot.

Last edited by aridon; 12-27-2016 at 02:58 PM.. Reason: comment not helpful

 
Old 12-27-2016, 03:06 PM
 
Location: Albuquerque NM
1,657 posts, read 1,522,722 times
Reputation: 3632
It's interesting that there is another thread in Non-romantic Relationships that was started on Christmas day about cutting their mother out of their life and feeling great about it.
 
Old 12-27-2016, 03:21 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,662 posts, read 3,241,188 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ABQ2015 View Post
It's interesting that there is another thread in Non-romantic Relationships that was started on Christmas day about cutting their mother out of their life and feeling great about it.
I think for some that is probably the best thing they could have done. Every one's situation is different; we all have our own reasons for doing what we do.

I hope everyone finds peace and happiness in their decisions.
 
Old 12-27-2016, 05:50 PM
 
Location: State of Waiting
607 posts, read 762,635 times
Reputation: 1392
Quote:
Originally Posted by aridon View Post
When people cut off their parents there is usually a reason and not just a single minor event.
And to take THAT quote to the other side, it can be something the adult child has done and is ashamed of and literally doesn't want to hear about it from the parent or the rest of the family. No questions, no concern, zip nada, etc.

Divorce, drug use, poor choices. The adult child doesn't want to hear any question of his/her decision so literally cuts everyone off.

When your adult children don't talk to you, it is not always YOUR FAULT as a parent. They can just be immature self centered a-------.
 
Old 12-27-2016, 08:01 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,732,288 times
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Taking sides or refusing to take sides:

There is little point to the accusatory nature of some of the posts in this thread with regard to whose "fault" it is for the estrangement, the adult children or their parent(s). Sure, it is possible that in any given case, a poster may be giving us a skewed version of the reality of the relationship, either intentionally or through self-delusion. I think it is not arguable that there are cases of "fault" on both sides of the generational divide. But since we have only one side of the story in each case, we don't really know what that reality is.

One poster gives an example of his or her horrible child(ren), and for the most part I believe him or her.

Then another poster comes along and gives an example of his or her horrible parent(s), and for the most part I also believe him or her.

It's a two-edged sword, folks, so the stories and examples are what the thread is all about, but I would wish for a cessation of the implication that the fault is normally on one side or the other.
 
Old 12-27-2016, 08:21 PM
 
6,615 posts, read 3,744,488 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
Thank you so much to everyone for your responses.

As far as there being previous older threads - I know. I just wanted some personal responses, to connect to others for myself.

After drinking too much wine last night - a really nice Riesling I splurged on lol - watching a movie and going to bed to cry myself to sleep - I woke up and heard my phone ding. I had several text messages. One was from my daughter that she actually sent last night (but I didn't hear my phone ding) saying she'd just opened up the gift I sent her, thank you, and merry christmas.

That was it. Just a few words and an emoticon of a snowman.

But, no card no phone call, no email, no gift. I guess it's something, but it's just too much work. I was almost disappointed to get it. I know some will think that's awful, but this is just so exhausting. Begging for crumbs.

The next "event" will be my birthday in March. I guess I'll see if she puts out any effort. Otherwise, her birthday isn't until August after that.

Who knows what's going on with her. She's not saying. I'm tired of guessing.

So, at least I know she's alive.

And for anyone wondering, I have not peppered her with contact attempts. It's just been an email or text or a card here and there. Maybe 6 times a year.

The last year or so we were still in touch, she was so critical of me all of the time. It had become much less fun to be around her anyway. She's the only person on the planet who makes me feel completely inept.

I guess I miss the years before that, when we were close and talked often and she actually asked me for my advice, etc.

Thanks for being there, my city-data buds. It helps to be able to reach out to you - even if we all have fake names LOL.
I think the cards are a good idea. No more gifts. The cards will wear her down over time. She'll get the card, read it, think of you, then think of responding or acknowledging it. Eventually, she'll start responding here or there. It's just a little nudge.

I have to ask if she thinks you did something to her. Did she get angry about something?

In any case, I think the cards are a good idea. I still have the cards my mother sent me. It was one of the few times she took the time to do something nice for me. She had not been a good mother, to put it mildly. But she sent these cards. I loved getting those cards. It's nice to get cards. I've never gotten many cards or gifts in my life, so I was tickled when she went through a spell of sending me cards at Christmas and for my birthday. It's a subtle way of reminding someone you're out there and thought of her that one brief moment.
 
Old 12-27-2016, 08:27 PM
 
Location: Idaho
1,452 posts, read 1,153,939 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
Taking sides or refusing to take sides:

It's a two-edged sword, folks, so the stories and examples are what the thread is all about, but I would wish for a cessation of the implication that the fault is normally on one side or the other.
I agree completely with E.R.

Having seen quite a few of broken family relationships, I would like to add few of my observations.

First, from the individual POV, the other side is usually ALWAYS at fault. The informed observers usually see some faults in each side.

Secondly, many of the perceived wrong doings were caused by misunderstanding, misinterpretations, misplaced or mismatched expectations. The long term resentments and pains festers and grows bigger over the years. People see the world, the other person through the darkly colored glasses. This makes reconciliation difficult or impossible especially when there are an outside influence from ex-spouses, in-laws etc.

Lastly, mental illnesses or disorder can play a large role in those broken relationships. I could only hope that mental health issues are taken as seriously as physical health issues so that people can get proper treatment. It's difficult for some people to admit that they have mental issues. It is even harder for others to be more understanding and forgiving. In addition, the same problem could exist in both sides due to shared genetic traits. Clashing of strong personalities alone could break family bonds let alone when the negative traits are amplified by mental health issues.
 
Old 12-27-2016, 08:56 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
895 posts, read 542,504 times
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Well, I will have to join in because I am estranged from my 45 yr old daughter. We have not talked since June of this year and she just lives 14 miles away from us. My counselor believes she is Borderline Personality and it is difficult. She is my only child and has turned my granddaughter against me as well. If I were to send big gifts-money things would be different but I am done doing that.

My daughter and I were doing fine there for awhile. I would get lovely cards from her etc...but I have to be honest here she is also dealing with caring for her 22 yr old son who has a brain injury. Chris got bacterial meningitis when he was 3 mos old and suffered a heart attack. Was on a ventilator for awhile but when they took him off - he started breathing on his own. He had severe brain damage though. I could help care for him when he was younger and easy to handle but today he is so big that my husband and I just cannot do it. I have a lot of health issues and I think my daughter is angry.

It's a delicate issue but to turn against your mother? Who loves you so much? Really very hard. So I understand where OP is coming from and my heart hurts for you. My daughter has blocked me from everything EXCEPT she does open my Hallmark E-Cards that I send to her.
I'm not in good health and it scares me that she and I will never talk and I will pass on. It just kills me. Today my grandson is back on ventilator and spent 3 months in hospital. He came home with a ventilator. I understand that my daughter has fired her nurses etc. She thinks these people are incompetent and perhaps she is right-I don't know. It seems she does not get along with many people including my family. We have all done what we can for her but we also do not deserve to be treated horribly.

When we get to our 60's - we are no longer youngster so I am just flabbergasted by how my daughter has acted. I know she is angry at world and I get that but you don't treat your parents bad who have bent over backwards for you all these years - tried to help. Again, it is difficult and thank God for my Life Coach/Counselor. My husband is her step-dad and has been SO good to her. Her real father has not been in the picture since she was a toddler. Not a good man. She was my top priority and I left her dad due to abuse against me. He was in and out of prison for years. I cry almost every day because she was the only good thing that came from that marriage so many years ago and to be treated like this and disregarded is tough.

NomoreSnow my heart hurts for you...
 
Old 12-27-2016, 09:54 PM
 
Location: State of Waiting
607 posts, read 762,635 times
Reputation: 1392
Quote:
Originally Posted by jghorton View Post
You have not said what the problem between you and your daughter was, but, I wouldn't be surprised if she believes she could write a similar OP - feeling that she was not being critical, but only standing-up for herself as an adult. The fact that you haven't spoken to each other in 3-years suggests that neither is willing to swallow their pride and reconcile with the other. Sometimes when this type of alienation occurs, people forget why and simply "institutionalize" the separation through false pride.

Why not simply pick-up the phone and call your daughter? (Tell her you are sorry you missed her call .... if it seems too difficult to be the first to actually speak. What if you had picked-up the phone when she called/texted to thank you for the gift? -- She may be trying to reach out to you). Apologize for whatever part you have had in your separation and tell her it is painful for you and not what you want. Ask if there is some way you can stop this self-imposed separation, overcome your differences and simply be 'friends with boundaries," but, on speaking terms.

Maybe I missed something in your posts that would make this "impossible" or maybe time has just made it seem more impossible than it really is. I've known people who were so criticized and controlled when they were children, that they take even the smallest thing as a personal criticism. I don't know you or your situation, so let me give you an independent perception I picked-up from reading between the lines of your OP and follow-up: It sounds like you "enjoy" playing the persecuted mother role ... and that "you have standards which (if she wasn't so lazy and thoughtless), she would work harder to meet ... instead of simply criticizing you all the time."

("Enjoy" is probably the wrong word, but - something in this one-sided lament just doesn't feel like you are objectively telling the whole story).
It was a text message, not a missed phone call. A text message is a lame BS evasive way to communicate with a parent on Christmas. Why should the OP have to call the daughter? Forget that. She sends 6 cards a year (way overkill, I think - the daughter needs to miss her. OP, stop with all the cards, 6 is ALOT and see what happens. No more gifts. Take back your pride a bit here). Why should the parent have to run sucking up to a grown adult daughter, groveling for crumbs of the daughter's precious attention? The street goes both ways.

Sometimes attempts at reconciliation - even when the person attempting to reconcile did NO wrong - are not welcome by the other party. Especially with Narcissistic or borderline personality disorder -- you are either ALL good or ALL bad.

I speak from experience on this topic. A text message is a hair better than nothing. Just a hair.
 
Old 12-27-2016, 10:09 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,732,288 times
Reputation: 32304
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leaving4Ca View Post
It was a text message, not a missed phone call. A text message is a lame BS evasive way to communicate with a parent on Christmas. Why should the OP have to call the daughter? Forget that. She sends 6 cards a year (way overkill, I think - the daughter needs to miss her. OP, stop with all the cards, 6 is ALOT and see what happens. No more gifts. Take back your pride a bit here). Why should the parent have to run sucking up to a grown adult daughter, groveling for crumbs of the daughter's precious attention? The street goes both ways.

Sometimes attempts at reconciliation - even when the person attempting to reconcile did NO wrong - are not welcome by the other party. Especially with Narcissistic or borderline personality disorder -- you are either ALL good or ALL bad.

I speak from experience on this topic. A text message is a hair better than nothing. Just a hair.
I find your anti-text-message point of view strange. I don't care much for text messages either, but I think it's because I am 72. Younger people don't have the same attitude about them. The value (that is, lack of value) that you place on text messages could well be a tacet assumption which, when not shared by the other party, gets in the way of communication.

Think about your last statement, which I bolded. A text message is a communication, which is actually orders of magnitude better than no communication at all.
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